19 Mar 2004

gay lingo

Fridae's oral expert, Alvin Tan, consults his Dictionary of Gay Lingo and sheds some light on what gay men actually mean when they say the things they say.

On Internet Profiles:

When A Gay Man Says: I'm very discreet.
What He Means: I'm already attached.

When a gay man says: 'I'm open to experimentation,' he really means: 'Don't worry, there's nothing I've never tried.' (Pic from vandarkholme.com)
When A Gay Man Says: I'm not in the scene.
What He Means: My reputation is so bad that I make the Whore Of Babylon appear like a nun.

When A Gay Man Says: I'm looking for someone who's financially stable.
What He Means: Calling all Sugar Daddies!

When A Gay Man Says: I'm looking for chemistry not looks.
What He Means: I look exactly like William "She Bangs" Hung.

On Dating:

When A Gay Man Says: I'm looking for commitment.
What He Means: I'm sick of playing one-hand poker in the bathroom all the time.

When A Gay Man Says; I used to date girls.
What He Means: I'm a lesbian-in-rehab.

When A Gay Man Says: Oh puh-leeze! He's so not my type.
What He Means: Dammit! Why won't he sleep with me?

When A Gay Man Says: Do you want to go to a movie?
What He Means: Let's go fondle each other in the dark.

When A Gay Man Says: Oh, no! I insist on paying for my share!
What He Means: This is just a test. There's no way I'm going dutch you cheapskate.

When A Gay Man Says: I'll give you a ring.
What He Means: I'd rather endure a blazing cattle prod up my arse than go out with you again.

On Relationships:

When A Gay Man Says: You're the only man I've ever truly loved.
What He Means: You are the only guy left in the homo-verse who hasn't rejected me yet.

When A Gay Man Says: It's not you, it's me.
What He Means: I've been sleeping around and I've finally found someone better than you.

When A Gay Man Says: Do you love me?
What He Means: I've had a fling and I'm worried you'll find out soon.

When A Gay Man Says: Do you really love me?
What He Means: I've had a fling and it's with your best friend.


On Breaking Up:

When A Gay Man Says: I like you, but…
What He Means: I don't like you.

When A Gay Man Says: We need to take things one-step at a time.
What He Means: Sorry, but I'm holding out until I'm sure that Fabio look-a-like at the gym is straight.

When A Gay Man Says: Can't we just be friends?
What He Means: There is no way in hell I'm ever going to sleep with you again.

On Sex:

When a gay man says: 'I'm open to experimentation,' he really means: 'Don't worry, there's nothing I've never tried.'
When A Gay Man Says: Can I buy you a drink?
What He Means: I wanna sleep with you.

When A Gay Man Says: Do you come here often?
What He Means: I wanna sleep with you.

When A Gay Man Says: Didn't we meet at (insert fictitious name)'s party last week?
What He Means: I wanna sleep with you.

When A Gay Man Says: Let's not waste time.
What He Means: The last time I had sex, the Spice Girls were still hot.

When A Gay Man Says: I'm open to experimentation.
What He Means: Don't worry, there's nothing I've never tried.

When A Gay Man Says: I'm versatile.
What He Means: I'm a Legs-Up Lucy with delusions of being a top.

When A Gay Man Says: I don't think two guys should jump into bed on their first date.
What He Means: I have a small penis.

When A Gay Men Says: I'm a grower, not a shower.
What He Means: I have a small penis.

When A Gay Man Says: I wish you would stop comparing me all your previous boyfriends…
What He Means: Are my bedroom skills really that pathetic?

When A Gay Man Says: Oh… (with a falling intonation)
What He Means: I've seen baby cocktail sausages bigger than this!

When A Gay Man Says: Oh!… (with a rising intonation)
What He Means: Slap me with that salami!

Finally:

When A Gay Man Says: I have never seen a finer gay specimen in my entire life!
What He Means: You look exactly like Alvin Tan.

(Editor's Note: I believe there's a misprint in the last example. The term "exactly" should rightly be replaced with "nothing").