Dear Alvin,
Do long distance relationships really work? Everyone keeps telling me that they don't and it's really frustrating! My boyfriend lives in Japan and I live on a really small island in the US. We always say we love each other every time we email each other. I have had guys come up to me and try to pick me up. But I'm finding it really hard. What experience or advice can you give?
Long Distance Frustration.
According to Stephen Blake, author of Loving Your Long Distance Relationships: "Distance is not the end of the world in a relationship." As Mr. Blake explains, distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and love. For long distance relationships to work, patience, honesty and trust are essential.
What utter rubbish.
If you ask me (and you did), I stand by the insightful lyrics of my one-time idol, Ms Sheena Easton, in her massive 80s hit "Telephone": "Long long distance love affair/I can't find you anywhere/I call you on the telephone,/But you're never home." Translated, long distance relationships will inadvertently fail because of the lack of physical intimacy and affection, the "forced" daily communications, the threat of temptations, and of course, the enormous phone bills.
Obviously Not Into Long Distance Relationships,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,
First of all, I really would like to thank you for all the efforts that you have been putting in for the liberation and the fight for respect that we deserve. Second, I'd like to express how much I am enjoying your column. It's really both fun and informative. Hail to the Diva! He! He!
Anyway, I really wrote to you because, well, I would like to ask you something. You see, I am not that physically attractive, I'm kinda on the heavy side as I have been for years. Before, when I was a little younger (I'm 22 now), I don't have difficulty in looking for casual sex-partners.
But after two years, more of the gay people that I am encountering now seem to lean more on the physically attractive guys. Well, I know for a fact and it's a reality that most of gay people look for physical attributes more than what we can see inside. I have tried tons of ways to lose weight and I am planning to start again next month because I am starting to feel really discouraged, unwanted and ugly. Though I am confident about myself, when I hang out with those people, I feel really small inside even though I tried to project a really happy persona.
My question is, where can I find guys who can fall in love with me, or least like me for what I am and not look on the physical aspects? As Miranda said in on of the episode of Sex And The City: "I try to make them see that I am sexy after they have fallen in love with my personality." But I don't wanna live with that credo! I feel that all the weight that I have in my body is hindering me from enjoying sex, meeting people and having a life itself. So help me!
Glum Plum
If you feel like you're Sarah Ferguson instead of the late Princess Diana or a Missy Elliot instead of a Christina Aguilera, and you still harbour the wish to get guys to "fall in love" or "at least like you for what you are," then here's what you should do:
Step 1: Embrace The Water Melon As Your Shape
Firstly, you must accept your body for what it is. According to Alice Ansfield, publisher of Radiance: The Magazine For Large Women, the term "fat" has been used against the weight-challenged as though "fat" and "ugly" go hand in hand. Instead of subscribing to society's size discrimination, you should break free from the stereotype and accept your body shape (and weight) for what it is.
Step 2: Cultivate Your Inner Goddess
Decorate your room with images of rotund and full-hipped men (and women) you admire. Surround yourself with friends and family members who love and support you for who you are. Work on developing your personality and your intellectual. Then let your inner goddess to shine through those layers and layers of damn cellulite and you may soon find more men drawn to you.
Step 3: Build Up Your Bedroom Skills
Hey, you may be plum but if you possess mind-blowing sexual skills, you'll still be able to find love (or lust)! Brush up on your bedroom techniques through porn and practice with a dash of imaginative daring thrown into the mix and you'll soon have men banging down your doors and begging for more!
Step 4: Know Your Target Audience
If you are aware that Muscle Marys tend to date within their clique, then why waste time trying to net yourself a Mary and risk heartbreak? Make an appearance at the local gay club/pub/sauna during their chub night or put out an advertisement for chub lovers (trust me, there are many out there!).
Twiggy's Twin Herself,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,
I joined this company last month and got on with the staff pretty well. There was this butch among them whom I thought at first was someone I'll never be interested in. But as the story goes, I was wrong. As I got to know her more, my feelings grew. I yearned to look at her more than anything, and when I don't, I feel vexed and frustrated. Sometimes she flirts with me, and sometimes I know she is trying to make a conversation with me (as the answer to the question she ask is like right before her). Problem is, I got to know from one of my friends that she has a girlfriend and she is twice my age. But age does not matter in love, am I right? I just couldn't let go. I mean, it's hard finding a person who could set you free from a person's world, yet ironically traps you in hers. What should I do?
Little Miss Head-trobe.
Dear Little Miss Head-trobe,
Logically speaking, as you have just joined the company, I would advise you against getting yourself embroiled in a torrid lesbian office romance with your colleague. However, since young lesbians these days are hardly guided by logic, I would advise you to embrace the office harlot as your new persona and start scoping out possible places where the both of you can indulge in a little (or a lot of) oral and finger play.
As mentioned in my article on "Homo-sexual Haunts," you may wish to consider the office meeting room, the photocopying room and the storeroom for office-play during or after working hours. Alternatively, you could also try the office pantry and the toilets. Now, get back to work!
Chief Clerk-in-training,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
FYI I just turned 18. I have been seeing this guy for about half a year now, and we spend almost everyday together if possible. When I first met him he was going after girls (quite a few) and I was always the one just hanging around. He ended up not going out with any of the girls and we continued our relationship, but after six months, he still refuses to be "together" with me.
However we do enjoy spending time together in many ways. I have given him blowjobs, we cuddle, we try to compromise when we don't agree on something, but I feel very insecure that I am not together with him. Every time I bring up that topic he says I'm annoying. FYI he is also 18, and he cares very much about his image especially in front of his friends since we don't know a lot of gay friends. It's just… he refuses to do anything that makes him "look gay." For example, during oral sex, I do all the work and he sits there, but not like he doesn't like it or he doesn't want it.
I just don't know what to do. He cares for me a lot, sometimes I can't ask for more. But I constantly fear the future. He keeps telling me I am thinking too much and should just be happy with what's happening now. I really want a LTR with him but he doesn't seem ready to come out or he doesn't seem to even know if he is gay. What should I do?
Just 18
Dear Child,
Aunty Alvin will say this once and only once. Get yourself a "proper" boyfriend. By "proper," I mean someone who appreciates you for what you are (read: gay), but most importantly, someone who accepts himself for what he is (read: gay). Only then, will you be able to enjoy "proper" sex (read: you will both give each other oral sex) and receive your due credit (read: he won't just sit there and "pretend" he doesn't like or want it). Now wise up, go mingle and start playing.
Also Just 18,
Alvin
Dear Alvin:
I am currently in a relationship with someone special… the sex is great… the kisses are wonderful... but my problem is that guys from my past keep haunting me... through sms... email.. icq... when clubbing... In fact on a certain night at a certain club, I was with my boy dancing-n-drinking away when the only one guy who broke (stomped, melted and ripped apart) my heart pulled me aside and told me: "I am sorry... I really can't live without you." I've tried to be tactful and tackless and even tried to hurt or ignore them - but why won't he and others get the message and go away? A few of them even tried to trip, burn, spill drinks and kick my boy at the clubs. What should I do to keep these people away from me and my boy? I've tried violence, passive behaviour and anything short of begging… and it's really getting to me. Please help me find a way…
In-need-of-help
Dear In-need-of-help,
Alas! The trials and tribulations of being a slut! Your checkered past and your sexual conquests from that past are finally catching up with you! While I am tempted to dispense advice along the lines of "You reap what you sow you slut!", I will refrain from doing so because I know as well as everyone else that "What goes around comes around!"
Given that you have tried everything to fend off those pesky "blasts from the past," there are only two options left to you: One, sign up for the local Witness Re-location Programme and get yourself a new identity and a complete makeover; and two, get yourself a less wimpy boyfriend - preferably someone with the physique of a pro-wrestler and a fiery chilli padi disposition.
More A Wanton Than A Slut,
Alvin
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.