A bunch of college kids plan a summer getaway in sub-tropical wetlands of the south-eastern United States. Instead of meeting Kermit the Frog singing “The Rainbow Connection” in a canoe, they are terrorised by possibly inbred locals as well as a school of sharks imported by the locals. Then they get eaten alive. By the sharks, that is.

Shark Night 3D is a horror film with a very simple premise: see it to watch people get eaten alive by sharks. It’s about the same premise as the original Jaws. But with the 3D in the title, you’d assume that the 3D is there for an enhanced view of the bikini and speedo-clad cast as well as for the gore. After all, we’re not here for the emotional drama that a cast of vacuous college kids can bring. The characters are so flat you needn’t bother learning their names; there’s a dumb jock, the vapid sexpot, the nerd, the obligatory bad-ass African American and his girlfriend, and the girl with a mysterious past. We all want to see them undress then get chomped in 3D!

As simple as this movie plays, as simple as its premise goes, the problem with Shark Night 3D is it delivers nothing of we expect it to deliver. Thanks to its US PG13 rating, there is scant skin shown, no gore, and absolutely no scenes of sharks actually chewing up people onscreen. In other words, there is little of what makes mindless and bad animal-based horror movies a joy to watch.

Watching this film, you too will suspect this film is an excuse to showcase the skill of animatronic shark creators and 3D effects computer artists. This film jumps the shark very early on with literally jumping sharks and its sole moment of creative fun comes in an end credits sequence that summarises the joyless film with actual fun.