Dear Alvin,
I need your sagely advice on a disturbing matter. My boyfriend of one and a half years has key-logged my computer, accessed my private information, my email accounts and blocked some email addresses in them - a serious breach of trust.
Ok, I admit I have had a few flings during my time with him when we hit rough times. So I can understand the need to keep an eye on me, even though I have mended my ways. However, changing my email, keeping my personal info and the nude pics have left me kind of feeling strange. My friends say get rid of him. However, he has moved countries to be with me and cared for me during a time when I was seriously ill, so I have tried to save our relationship, which for the most part has been good and rewarding.
Am I making a mistake or on the right path? What's your advice?
Yours truly,
Weirded Out
Dear Weirded Out,
Waitaminute. Your boyfriend has incriminating pictures of you in various stages of undress on DVD? Are you sure you're not Paris Hilton?
First, I must commend you for being so levelheaded. If it were me, I would have bought a ferocious attack dog, changed the locks and joined the Witness Protection Programme. At the same time, I must chastise you for being utterly ridiculous. How could you rationalise away your boyfriend's actions by attributing them to your past infidelities?
However, my intuition tells me that you're not being entirely truthful about the matter. Are you still in contact with your tricks - past, present and future? Is that why your boyfriend key-logged your computer and perhaps blocked access to certain correspondents?
Then again, even if what I suspect is true, it still doesn't excuse your boyfriend's actions. There's a difference between keeping an eye on one's boyfriend and keeping a folder of nude pictures belonging to one's boyfriend - especially if the boyfriend is totally clueless about those pictures.
If you wish to salvage your relationship, you should confront your boyfriend about his creepy (if not psychotic) behaviour and tell him how you feel. Then the two of you should work together at rebuilding and regaining each other's trust.
Never A Vengeful Vixen,
Alvin Tan
Have you been in a similar situation? Post your experience or any advice you have below.
Dear Alvin,
I used to have this secret crush on this guy many years ago. He was so handsome and well-built. But he never paid any attention to me and to him, I never existed. To cut a long story short, I went overseas for my studies for a couple of years. During that time, I worked out at the gym and generally improved my appearance.
I came back to Singapore not long ago and bumped into my crush at the gym. He has put on weight and his hair had thinned. He aged a lot too. He cruised me at the gym (not recognising me) and invited me back to his place. I agreed although I don't fancy him anymore. Well, I was really selfish in bed and after I came, I left.
I guess I wanted to punish him because he never reciprocated my crush and was not interested in me back when I was younger. Does this make sense? Now I'm feeling a guilty about the whole incident. Should I call him to apologise?
Ex-Ugly Duckling
Dear Ex-Ugly Duckling,
I must confess - this is new to me.
Most gay men I know would only consent to going home with someone because they find these men a turn-on - not because they wanted to seek revenge for some "imagined slight" which happened years ago.
What you did to him was totally uncalled for. In all likelihood, he probably wasn't even aware that you were nursing a crush on him - especially since it was - as you mentioned - a "secret" crush. What you did to him was also vindictive. You were looking to get back at him for not noticing (and ravishing) you way back when you were "younger." You need to stop fixating on past grievances (especially imaginary ones) and move on with your life.
More importantly, what you did was incredibly foolish. With the gay grapevine as it is, you would have probably earned yourself a reputation for being a comatose corpse in bed by the time this column is published. And there is no surer way of sinking your social currency than that.
In short, my answer to your query is "NO." Don't ever call him - at least not until you grow up.
Every Gay Man's Secret Crush,
Alvin Tan
Have you been in a similar situation? Post your experience or any advice you have below.
Your Highness,
I am a shy yet friendly Asian in my late twenties. I am of moderate appearance with good height (183 cm), neutral mannerisms, and average/slim body. I have been confused with the bitchy gay world ever since I was 19 years old. I found myself always being pathetic with guys I like. I never had that much action compared to an average gay man in his late twenties.
In the last ten years or so, I have only been with nine guys - which three of them I became good friends with (yeah, as much as possible I try to befriend guys and stick with the same ones for as long as possible).
Since I am not drop dead gorgeous, I have to win a guy with my personality (that is if I have one). I hate it because I never get asked out for a date. I have never been in a relationship before, nobody hits on me, and I feel like every gay man thinks of me as "just a friend, and never something more." To add insult to the injury, it is the heterosexual girls who periodically fall in love with me and it creeps me out (now they are making me feel like a lesbian, if you know what I mean). I'm also wondering if my image is sending out the wrong signals.
Everyone is falling in love with each other and romance is everywhere, yet I am an outcast in the circle.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Sigh… not another case of "I-can't-get-my-man-and-it's-all-the-gay-community's-fault!" It's so easy to blame it all on the "bitchy gay world" just because you cannot find a lover or get some decent action at the sauna/gym/pool/club or wherever.
Newsflash: The gay community is not responsible for what happens to you, YOU are responsible for what happens to yourself. The community is not responsible for making you feel welcome, finding you a loverboy or making you an "outcast." That's your job.
From what you have written, you should thank your lucky stars that you're not one of those classified as "massively unattractive even on a good day." You have had experience with nine guys and you even had heterosexual girls falling for you "periodically."
Unless you look like Bette Davis in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, I think what you lack is self-confidence. It's no secret that secure and confident (but not cocky) people magically appear twice as attractive to others because they possess a positive quality others are drawn to. So instead of waiting to be asked out on a date (and watching the cobwebs grow), do the asking. Likewise, instead of putting yourself down all the time, view yourself in a more positive light and work on the areas you can improve upon.
Finally, a word of advice: Your current love life may be miserable because you're setting unrealistic standards. Remember: Unless you're an Angelina Jolie, you should never aim for a Brad Pitt.
Your Love Goddess,
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.
Have you been in a similar situation? Post your experience or any advice you have below.