27 Mar 2007

ask alvin about threesomes, cum load and wanting to be straight

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where writer Alvin Tan lends a listening ear and dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those misguided gay men and women who need it oh-so-badly.

Hey Alvin,

Something has been weighing on my mind for the past week. A friend whom I'd had a brief sexual/romantic history with (we're talking about a decade ago) told me that he told his boyfriend that he thinks I'm the best candidate for a threesome with them.

''Group sex can trigger a lot of emotions that may be difficult to deal with. Watching your friend having (and worse, enjoying) sex with his boyfriend may turn you into a crazed bunny boiler - especially if you end up feeling left out.''
I'm not very sure what his boyfriend thinks although he didn't object to that idea outright. Although I don't rule that out, I've a close friendship with this friend of mine and it's not something I want to see go sour. I'm much more attracted to my friend than his boyfriend and I don't mind a 1-on-1 with him but I don't know if that's where he's prepared to go with me.

What should my considerations be? And is this something I should ask my friend about or does he need to be the one to ask after he has figured it out with his boyfriend since he already knows I'm cool with the idea?

I would also especially be interested to hear from readers their experiences.


Three Is Not A Crowd

Dear Three Is Not A Crowd,

As far as I'm concerned, you're single (I presume) and you're on the receiving end of the indecent proposal - so your only considerations should be of the carnal kind - such as how can you best position yourself to get the most of the three-way action.

For sensible sex-tiquette regarding triple-team action, I would refer my readers to my "Threesome with a Twosome" article. As a general rule, you should establish common rules and resolve any reservations before the group groping gets underway.

However, my years of reading Nancy Drew have led me to suspect that the more pressing issue concerns your lingering attraction for your good friend. If that's really the case, you may wish to reconsider throwing yourself into a threesome.

Group sex can trigger a lot of emotions that may be difficult to deal with. Watching your friend having (and worse, enjoying) sex with his boyfriend may turn you into a crazed bunny boiler - especially if you end up feeling left out.

As for your one-on-one dilemma, your decision should be informed by whether you are prepared to live with the consequences. Namely, your friendship could go the way of Paris and Nicole (if he turns you down) or you could end up being a homo-wrecker (if he takes up your offer).

Your Trusted Therapist for Threesomes,
Alvin Tan
Hey Alvin,

I'm happily attached and my partner's all I can ask for.

We have very regular sex - but the problem is that when he reaches orgasm, he only manages a measly few drops of cum.

How can I increase the "volume" of his cum?

Please help - it's really bothering me.



Dear Cum-a-Chameleon,

Unless I'm mistaken, the amount of semen a man is capable of shooting is dependent on two factors: genetics and the period of time since his last ejaculation. Since there's nothing much we can do about the former, let's focus on the latter.

If you and your partner have sex on a very regular basis (say, once every two hours like yours truly), chances are he would probably manage less than a teaspoon worth of cum (unlike yours truly).

On the other hand, if you and your partner were to abstain from sex for several weeks, then you can expect a drenched-to-the-skin thunderstorm instead of the usual light drizzle.

Speaking purely from personal sexperience, the amount of manjuice manufactured is also dependent on how hot one's partner is and more importantly, how mind-blowing his technique is (get the hint?).

Still, if you are "happily attached" to a great partner, why are you bothered by something as frivolous as your partner's spewed seed? After all, imagine all the time and effort saved from post-coital cleanup duties!

If you are still bothered, here's my advice: You may wish to consider trading him in for a horse - after all, horses release about 20 times more semen in a single ejaculation than humans.

Your Semen Sexpert,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,

I am in a difficult phase of my life - a defining one. I guess mine should be a common problem with a lot of gay people out there.

The problem is I can't decide whether to be gay or straight! I know I like guys and get turn on by them but at the same time, do not want to be gay because I do not want to hurt my family especially my mum.

I am trying to be straight by dating a woman. I am trying to be straight and want to be straight. But some how, I do not seem to be excited with her. Partly, because she may not be pretty enough to turn me on. Or it may be due to her conservative personality.

However, she is becoming like a shield so that I look normal and make my family happy. I felt so bad when my extended family members found out that I finally have a girlfriend. I know I should not make use of her but I just don't know what else to do.

I'm hoping to date pretty gals - then hopefully get turn on by her and become straight and faithful to her. Do u think it's possible? By the way, I still like to watch petty gals - but also hunky guys. Please advise.

Simply Confused

Dear Simply Confused,

If there's ever a "Let's Play Pretend" contest, you'll win hands down.

Now let's get one thing straight (pardon the pun) - you're not confused, you're in deep denial. You have said it yourself - you like guys and your current girlfriend is merely "a shield."

Dating "pretty girls" in the hope of turning straight reeks of desperation and honestly, can you afford to accumulate more karmic demerit points after the way you have been deceiving your clueless girlfriend (or should I say fag hag)?

You are currently in a "difficult phase" because hiding your sexuality requires a lot of emotional effort and the result is that you don't feel free to express and explore who you really are.

Having said that, I'm not suggesting that you sit your parents down for a "Mom and Dad, I'm a cocksucker" talk right away. You know your circumstances best and you should decide when the time is right to come out - if not to your parents, then at least to yourself or your close friends.

The important thing here is that you acknowledge who you are, accept yourself and then commit yourself to developing yourself as a gay man. Only then can you stop acting like a secretive KGB agent and start living life in an open and fulfilling manner.

Counsellor To Confused Cocksmen,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.