27 Apr 2007

ask alvin about chocolate starfishes, office romance (part 2) and preferred position

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where writer Alvin Tan lends a listening ear and dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those misguided gay men and women who need it oh-so-badly...

Hi Alvin,

I enjoy getting rimmed very much but I always worry that I may be "dirty" down there and that it would turn guys off. It's gotten so bad that I can't enjoy myself fully - more so, when it's a spur-of-the-moment one night stand.

Any tips?

Black Hole

Dearest Black Hole,

The condition that has your undies in a worried twist is known as a "Chocolate Starfish" - and no, it refers neither to a brown-hued marine echinoderm nor a cocoa-encrusted sea creature of the edible variety.

According to www.urbandictionary.com, a "Chocolate Starfish" refers to either "the human anus when it is encrusted with fecal matter" (ugh!) or "the imprint of an anus that has not been sufficiently wiped clean" (euw!).

Avid ass-eating aficionados will inform you that a "Chocolate Starfish" is the most dreaded thing that one can be confronted with in a bedroom setting - that is, unless they're into scatology.

All rimmees should always ensure that their tushes have been thoroughly cleaned before intercourse. For virgin rimmees, buy an enema at the drugstore, insert the rectal nozzle into the rectum and squeeze. Hold it for a moment and then expel it.

However, if you don't have your handy enema bottle with you, just give yourself a discreet finger check. And if your finger comes up as filthy as the Augean stable, I would suggest you exclude rimming in your foreplay - unless it happens to be a session of revenge sex.

Rim-Me Rim-Me,
Alvin Tan

(Alvin Tan would like to credit his friend Bernard for unearthing this fecal fact.)

Dear Alvin,

Back in August 5, 2005 you gave me an advice on office romances. Your advice was to keep our relationship strictly platonic. Well, Alvin, I've been a good girl. I kept her at arm's length and am very careful not to let her know that I am so in love with her.

I have tried hanging out with other friends and even tried to hate her - but it's just no good. Recently, she stopped talking to me for about two months. In a way, I felt relieved because I thought that I could put her behind me and get on with life. I did not even try to find out the reason(s) behind the sudden cold-shoulder.

One evening, she called me. She was extremely furious at me because I had not made any attempts to mend the friendship and demanded to know why. When I replied that I felt she needed her own space, she told me she was jealous that I was hanging out with a newcomer and that I did not make her feel special anymore.

Alvin, can you please, please help me out here. On the one hand, I am trying to hide my feelings for her. On the other hand, she is treating this friendship as though it was a relationship and it is driving me crazy. I love her more than she knows and I keep hoping that maybe one day she would return that love.

Thanks and best regards,
Still Utterly, Totally Stupid

Dearest SUTS,

Since it's love you want and not friendship, any advice of a heart-to-heart talk at the office pantry to discuss each other's expectations of your friendship and draw up the necessary boundaries would go straight to the paper shredder.

To be brutally honest, the problem here is not your female colleague's attention-seeking behaviour - it's you. You still carry a torch for her and instead of working on your friendship, you put it in deep freeze (despite my earlier advice).

You should really get a grip on yourself now. Otherwise, your performance at work would inevitably be affected since you obviously expend way too much energy trying to avoid her and/or put up a fa�ade in front of her.

While it may be tempting for you to unburden your feelings to your colleague, kindly consider the repercussions if things go awry - unless of course you enjoy being the office gossip mill's papier-m�ch� pi�ata.

The other more sensible alternative is for you to fall out of love and you can do that by dating other attractive (and more worthy) lesbians out there or by focusing on your colleague's most annoying traits and then magnifying them a million fold.

Still Utterly, Totally Stunning,
Alvin Tan

Hi Alvin,

I enjoyed reading your advice to Hit Rock Bottom a while back.

One question: If given a choice between two guys, would you pick the Top or Bottom?

Please tell the truth - however hard!

Bi-Curious Boy

Dearest Bi-Curious Boy,

The truth is simple really.

I would pick the cuter guy.

A Buy-Sexual Boy,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.