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1 Mar 2004

ask alvin about being chubby, the office lesbo, a slut's woes and more

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where Alvin dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those who need it oh-so-badly.

Dear Alvin,

Do long distance relationships really work? Everyone keeps telling me that they don't and it's really frustrating! My boyfriend lives in Japan and I live on a really small island in the US. We always say we love each other every time we email each other. I have had guys come up to me and try to pick me up. But I'm finding it really hard. What experience or advice can you give?

Long Distance Frustration.

Dear LDF,

According to Stephen Blake, author of Loving Your Long Distance Relationships: "Distance is not the end of the world in a relationship." As Mr. Blake explains, distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and love. For long distance relationships to work, patience, honesty and trust are essential.

What utter rubbish.

If you ask me (and you did), I stand by the insightful lyrics of my one-time idol, Ms Sheena Easton, in her massive 80s hit "Telephone": "Long long distance love affair/I can't find you anywhere/I call you on the telephone,/But you're never home." Translated, long distance relationships will inadvertently fail because of the lack of physical intimacy and affection, the "forced" daily communications, the threat of temptations, and of course, the enormous phone bills.

Obviously Not Into Long Distance Relationships,
Alvin


Dear Alvin,

First of all, I really would like to thank you for all the efforts that you have been putting in for the liberation and the fight for respect that we deserve. Second, I'd like to express how much I am enjoying your column. It's really both fun and informative. Hail to the Diva! He! He!

Anyway, I really wrote to you because, well, I would like to ask you something. You see, I am not that physically attractive, I'm kinda on the heavy side as I have been for years. Before, when I was a little younger (I'm 22 now), I don't have difficulty in looking for casual sex-partners.

But after two years, more of the gay people that I am encountering now seem to lean more on the physically attractive guys. Well, I know for a fact and it's a reality that most of gay people look for physical attributes more than what we can see inside. I have tried tons of ways to lose weight and I am planning to start again next month because I am starting to feel really discouraged, unwanted and ugly. Though I am confident about myself, when I hang out with those people, I feel really small inside even though I tried to project a really happy persona.
My question is, where can I find guys who can fall in love with me, or least like me for what I am and not look on the physical aspects? As Miranda said in on of the episode of Sex And The City: "I try to make them see that I am sexy after they have fallen in love with my personality." But I don't wanna live with that credo! I feel that all the weight that I have in my body is hindering me from enjoying sex, meeting people and having a life itself. So help me!

Glum Plum

Dearest Glum Plum,

If you feel like you're Sarah Ferguson instead of the late Princess Diana or a Missy Elliot instead of a Christina Aguilera, and you still harbour the wish to get guys to "fall in love" or "at least like you for what you are," then here's what you should do:

Step 1: Embrace The Water Melon As Your Shape
Firstly, you must accept your body for what it is. According to Alice Ansfield, publisher of Radiance: The Magazine For Large Women, the term "fat" has been used against the weight-challenged as though "fat" and "ugly" go hand in hand. Instead of subscribing to society's size discrimination, you should break free from the stereotype and accept your body shape (and weight) for what it is.

Step 2: Cultivate Your Inner Goddess
Decorate your room with images of rotund and full-hipped men (and women) you admire. Surround yourself with friends and family members who love and support you for who you are. Work on developing your personality and your intellectual. Then let your inner goddess to shine through those layers and layers of damn cellulite and you may soon find more men drawn to you.

Step 3: Build Up Your Bedroom Skills
Hey, you may be plum but if you possess mind-blowing sexual skills, you'll still be able to find love (or lust)! Brush up on your bedroom techniques through porn and practice with a dash of imaginative daring thrown into the mix and you'll soon have men banging down your doors and begging for more!

Step 4: Know Your Target Audience
If you are aware that Muscle Marys tend to date within their clique, then why waste time trying to net yourself a Mary and risk heartbreak? Make an appearance at the local gay club/pub/sauna during their chub night or put out an advertisement for chub lovers (trust me, there are many out there!).

Twiggy's Twin Herself,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,

I joined this company last month and got on with the staff pretty well. There was this butch among them whom I thought at first was someone I'll never be interested in. But as the story goes, I was wrong. As I got to know her more, my feelings grew. I yearned to look at her more than anything, and when I don't, I feel vexed and frustrated. Sometimes she flirts with me, and sometimes I know she is trying to make a conversation with me (as the answer to the question she ask is like right before her). Problem is, I got to know from one of my friends that she has a girlfriend and she is twice my age. But age does not matter in love, am I right? I just couldn't let go. I mean, it's hard finding a person who could set you free from a person's world, yet ironically traps you in hers. What should I do?

Little Miss Head-trobe.

Dear Little Miss Head-trobe,

Logically speaking, as you have just joined the company, I would advise you against getting yourself embroiled in a torrid lesbian office romance with your colleague. However, since young lesbians these days are hardly guided by logic, I would advise you to embrace the office harlot as your new persona and start scoping out possible places where the both of you can indulge in a little (or a lot of) oral and finger play.

As mentioned in my article on "Homo-sexual Haunts," you may wish to consider the office meeting room, the photocopying room and the storeroom for office-play during or after working hours. Alternatively, you could also try the office pantry and the toilets. Now, get back to work!

Chief Clerk-in-training,
Alvin Tan

Dear Alvin,

FYI I just turned 18. I have been seeing this guy for about half a year now, and we spend almost everyday together if possible. When I first met him he was going after girls (quite a few) and I was always the one just hanging around. He ended up not going out with any of the girls and we continued our relationship, but after six months, he still refuses to be "together" with me.

However we do enjoy spending time together in many ways. I have given him blowjobs, we cuddle, we try to compromise when we don't agree on something, but I feel very insecure that I am not together with him. Every time I bring up that topic he says I'm annoying. FYI he is also 18, and he cares very much about his image especially in front of his friends since we don't know a lot of gay friends. It's just he refuses to do anything that makes him "look gay." For example, during oral sex, I do all the work and he sits there, but not like he doesn't like it or he doesn't want it.
I just don't know what to do. He cares for me a lot, sometimes I can't ask for more. But I constantly fear the future. He keeps telling me I am thinking too much and should just be happy with what's happening now. I really want a LTR with him but he doesn't seem ready to come out or he doesn't seem to even know if he is gay. What should I do?

Just 18

Dear Child,

Aunty Alvin will say this once and only once. Get yourself a "proper" boyfriend. By "proper," I mean someone who appreciates you for what you are (read: gay), but most importantly, someone who accepts himself for what he is (read: gay). Only then, will you be able to enjoy "proper" sex (read: you will both give each other oral sex) and receive your due credit (read: he won't just sit there and "pretend" he doesn't like or want it). Now wise up, go mingle and start playing.

Also Just 18,
Alvin


Dear Alvin:

I am currently in a relationship with someone special the sex is great the kisses are wonderful... but my problem is that guys from my past keep haunting me... through sms... email.. icq... when clubbing... In fact on a certain night at a certain club, I was with my boy dancing-n-drinking away when the only one guy who broke (stomped, melted and ripped apart) my heart pulled me aside and told me: "I am sorry... I really can't live without you." I've tried to be tactful and tackless and even tried to hurt or ignore them - but why won't he and others get the message and go away? A few of them even tried to trip, burn, spill drinks and kick my boy at the clubs. What should I do to keep these people away from me and my boy? I've tried violence, passive behaviour and anything short of begging and it's really getting to me. Please help me find a way

In-need-of-help

Dear In-need-of-help,

Alas! The trials and tribulations of being a slut! Your checkered past and your sexual conquests from that past are finally catching up with you! While I am tempted to dispense advice along the lines of "You reap what you sow you slut!", I will refrain from doing so because I know as well as everyone else that "What goes around comes around!"

Given that you have tried everything to fend off those pesky "blasts from the past," there are only two options left to you: One, sign up for the local Witness Re-location Programme and get yourself a new identity and a complete makeover; and two, get yourself a less wimpy boyfriend - preferably someone with the physique of a pro-wrestler and a fiery chilli padi disposition.

More A Wanton Than A Slut,
Alvin

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.

读者回应

1. 2006-06-12 23:24  
THE BODY POLITIC
GENDER ROLE FASCISM & HOMOPHOBIA

When will the fear subside?
Who is afraid of the man with cleavage and the woman with biceps?
Who consented to such gender norms?
Who prescribed carbon copy people as "beauty" idolized?

Not I not I. . .

Somewhere & somehow. . .we just gotta take a stand. . .come out in our BEAUTIFUL DIVERSITY and say NO we ain't gonna take this crap no more.

remember the steroid addict
remember the bulimic anorexic
why do they hate themselves
why can't they accept their bodies

recall the $miling beauty indu$try
peddling BODY FASCISM
as lifestyle choice

Lurking underneath this fear
bubbles the anxiety
of misogyny & hate
patriarchal machoism
& plain ugly homophobia

unfortunately it infests
not only the fearmongering
homophobic masses
but our LGBT sister & brothers
equally as well

so take a stand
all you BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
let your unique rainbow shine










2. 2006-06-12 23:41  
Differences set us apart, nothing wrong with us. They are so common!

Long live gay activists!!
3. 2006-06-12 23:48  
of course there are different types of discrimination.. but all other forms of discrimination are rightly protected by law.. but homosexuality is taboo....why are we "cry babies" .... cos till this day and age, we are yet allowed to live freely calling ourselves homosexuals. Family, friends, society, state .. government still taking this freedom away from us.

Taking into further annoyance, are anti- gay christian groups stating homosexuality is wrong..(cos the bible said so) taking strong stands to oppose us, isnt discrmination wrong in the bible as well? Love thy neighbour.

Worse still is when people say being gay does not fit chinese culture. Historically ( if im not wrong) gayness was accepted as long as males reproduced (ie passing on the family name).
4. 2006-06-13 00:53  
Alex, I am disappointed. Maybe you do the slow persuasion way but I tend to go for the jugular, the facts would speak for themselves when cornered.

But I learn that experiements have testified a fact-filled advert to promote racial diversity and stop racism actually had the reverse effect vs a emotion dripping advert which cause its audience to change their positions by a large degree.

Lets start to change the world.
5. 2006-06-13 01:47  
Everytime I read an article like this I sometimes can't help but wonder if we are fighting a losing battle... This whole issue is just too vexing. I really do hope we find some sort of liberation.
6. 2006-06-13 08:13  
Hi, there comes a time to be hard and to be soft, the middle way is to be flexible. The numbers are on our side, more and more youngsters have gay friends and do not grow up thinking it is an issue. The soft approach will work, and it will take time. When the numbers are on our side, be hard and push for legislative change. This work takes generations, you can't truly hurry it. Revolutions bring you full circle, back to zero. Activists are important, they are the cutting edge of the hard whip, and also to raise a new generation of activists who blend in with the times to put it in a perspective hearable of the new generation. The old will fade away. SM Goh had a point on not pressing it too hard as there will be a backlash. Rather be unseen unheard and society changes, without the hardliners noticing. Just like the example given above, they react only on the gut level to overt in your face displays. Focus on the overall passage. The soft always overcomes the weak :) This may not go down well or popular with activists raised in the confrontational genre, but I also thank you for your role as the hard whip. It is interactive. Everyone, have a good day.
7. 2006-06-13 15:33  
You can actually email MassResistance and let them know your feelings at massresistance@hotmail.com

People like this really must be bored..
8. 2006-06-13 16:38  
There was an award winning one-man play in NYC in 2004 called "I am my own wife" about a transexual in Berlin in the 30's. The character was narrating a scene where thugs had set upon a private party of gays and lesbians. Jokingly he said all the boys ran, only the lesbians and him the trannie stood by and fought, one got blinded in the eye.

In Singapore, most will just run..

The "soft approach" approach these days reward the transgressors and punish the sufferers. Because when the target of prejudice retaliates, he scores a double whammy for causing trouble, for not taking the "soft approach", and in the end "causing more trouble". What "soft approachers" are saying, suffer in silence, and die if you have to, but do it silently.. we don't want any trouble here.

Those who want the soft approach, please do so, but when the real activists speak up, please support them - don't drag them down into the bottomless pit of silence with you.

Alex - please continue with what you are doing. There are people behind you, and lots of lesbians I think! :-)
9. 2006-06-13 17:42  
i feel that the downside of activism is that it is effective in highlighting the issues, but on its own, it offers no solutions. have you sat down to figure out what the government would have to face if they repealed the laws overnight? look how carefully managed the casino issue was handled and you will know that unless there is a near watertight game plan, they won't go through with it. and for this generation and our current Singapore government in particular, this will be progressively addressed as long as we keep engaging them, and help them move their hearts and minds.
10. 2006-06-13 18:17  
hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
11. 2006-06-13 19:39  
when is kl gonna have something like this?
12. 2006-06-13 21:39  
nice :)
13. 2006-06-14 10:11  
Kudos to the organisers! =)
See yawl soon....



Love and Light
Bee Govinda
14. 2006-06-14 11:45  
Living in Boston, I had to post regarding the whole Macy's issue. We were all very disappointed in the choice that Macy's made in response to MassResistance's pathetic protest. Especially given that this year's pride included more small businesses than ever, and even the United State's largest off-price retailer, the TJX company, which operates about 2000 stores now.

On another note, while we celebrated Gay Pride in Boston, singer/diva Kevin Aviance was brutally attacked in a gay bashing in New York City by a group of teens on Saturday night.

We have a long way to go...

15. 2006-06-14 20:08  
Show your love and support for Kevin by posting a note for her here:

http://motherboards.infopop.cc/eve/forums?a=tpc&s=120606177&f=1306060101&m=97810321431&r=36710551431#36710551431

We will all miss the loud and proud voice of our favorite diva at Pride this weekend in NYC, but... we know that what doesnt' kill us, only makes us stronger.

Peace and Love.
=)
16. 2006-06-14 21:05  
i have had a hate crime against me too.

it's painful to be attacked. really.
17. 2006-06-14 22:45  
This is disgusting! So much for it being a gay-friendly community -- where's the help when you need it? There were witnesses?
18. 2006-06-14 22:58  
Get well soon Kevin.. From Singapore fan.
19. 2006-06-15 00:22  
I think everyone here wishes Kevin the most miraculous and triumphant recovery!

One small point: I seem to recall the first openly gay City Councilman in New York City was Tom Duane, back in the 1990's. Not to diminish Speaker Quinn's accomplishments and courage.
20. 2006-06-15 01:22  
U gotta be kidding me...gay bashing in Manhattan?..sheez! Looks like the fundamentalists are back..watch out!
Get well Kevin..U r tougher than all these..Peace!
21. 2006-06-15 08:09  
hate crimes exisit everywhere toeven in big cities like NYC and NO ONE sholdl ever think they are invincible....

Wheter you are out of the closet or in, it is always better to be cautious and never throw caution to the wind. Although I have never been a victim of Gay discrimination I hate to see people get beaten or discriminated against.

Asian society although less tolerant is less likely to have such violent beatings but nontheless the gossiping and rumor mongering can be worse!
22. 2006-06-15 13:30  
omg. horrible.

horrible, horrible, horrible.
23. 2006-06-15 14:32  
The question we have shunned is if we were ever faced with such a situation, would we help or intervene?

hut86, you're in singapore? tell us more about your experience?

24. 2006-06-15 17:09  
Dear Alex,

Thank you for doing what you are doing for our community.
25. 2006-06-15 18:03  
Yeah, gay bashing happens everywhere. I know of some friends who got beaten up here in singapore for holding hands on the streets and smouching in the park, respectively.

We should always try to help if we ever come across something nasty like that. For the victim, run, as fast and far as possible. No need to subscribe to stupid violence nor give any opportunity whatsoever to being victimised further by the circumstance. Extract yourself.

Having said that, i would like to state catogorically that if i am ever caught in such a situation, i would seriously demage at least one of these muffah, usually the closest at hand. Even if it kills me. I will avoid drawing on this prima-negative-last-resort-energy if possible. But if i'm getting hurt, you can bet my mother's life on it that i'm not going to be the only one.

So you know what, if it comes to that, bring it on. F u c k it. Can't beat them, beat-the-f u c k-out-of-them, works for me.
回应#26於被作者删除。
27. 2006-06-16 00:40  
how fxxked up is that, esp. when its in nyc, im embarrassed for my town, and for the apathy that still exists. :(
28. 2006-06-16 01:53  
Very sad to hear this, esp. just when we think there's some semblance of social progress 6yrs post-millenium. My 100% support for Kelvin!
29. 2006-06-16 06:32  
look at the bright side... now those lil F**kers r going to jail...
i bet their bottom ass-es r gonna go in shut and come out wide opened!
God Blessed
30. 2006-06-16 14:57  
Reply to a question posed on redqueen about "the kind of people you get to meet at Women's Nite events?"

-start-
I find it difficult to generalise or put adjectives to the myriad women I've come to know through the monthly women's nites. but for the sake of answering your question, I'll try.

It usually depends on the topic of the month- some people are drawn to the opportunity to voice their opinions in discussions, others prefer making connections in small-group sharing sessions, others turn up to pick up important information like legal advice for gay women, sexual health tips etc. Of course, the more 'arty' types show up at the occasional creative arts or dance therapy sessions. Others just come all the time because they find the sessions ultimately enriching, and a great way to meet other women in a non-'predatory' environment.

The event usually starts off with some ice-breakers, and then a potluck dinner, which is perfect to just mingle and greet everyone. people bring the most heart-warming home concoctions and it's great to share our food! It's all very casual and the faciliators are a warm bunch. Quoting Mayling in the news article on Fridae, Women's Nite could only be 'threatening to those who relish the dark and smoky.' And I'll add one more point: insanely difficult to make conversation. Meaningful, that is. (and when you're not choking on the smoke)

To sum up, I think the best way to experience Women's Nite -- as with everything else, is to come with an open mind to learn, share and engage. I trust that you'll surely gain knowledge of so much more that is important to us gay women, find emotional support through that, and through friendships with people completely unlike yourself- except that we all like women! For 'fixtures' like myself, it's been immeasurable how much I have benefitted from women's Nites, not least the many incredible women I now call dear friends.

Hope that answers your question. :)
-end-
31. 2006-06-16 16:32  
I don't know why USA is full of hate. This time it happens to a gay man in NYC, next time it probably happens to someone who is not white somewhere else.

Who give these peoples right to do such horrible thing to a single man who did absolutley nothing wrong.

I felt angery, painful and sad ...
32. 2006-06-16 20:50  
Normalcy : is there such a thing ?
33. 2006-06-16 21:55  
i have the same problem too i wants to tell my parents bout it but....i dont know how to put it in the way and i really dont know how they will react if the know the truth...haix...am so confused....
34. 2006-06-16 22:41  
Nice article manz cheers ... just touched on an issue that is close to our hearts ...

After watching brokeback and seeing that wife's pain and agony, i realised the cruelest thing u can do to a nice gal is to let her fall in love with u........ and then tell her u are a gay ...

Pray fewer nice gals out there will ever have to undergo this pain and agony ....

And we mustnt blame those guys too ... they are equally painful and confused too ... haiz....

Sadz ... thats just the way it is in this world sometimes .... From the blameless it springs out pain and misery ...

bunny up ...
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36. 2006-06-16 22:55  
As an American, I must admit I had never heard this odd rationalization for accepting homophobia, that other forms of discrimination are worse. (Somehow it strikes me as so Singaporean.)

By this laughable logic, I suppose we should halt medical research to, say, cure Alzheimer's Disease until we cure cancer, because cancer is worse. Or stop government funding of mass transit until the government can cure hunger, because that's worse than mere traffic congestion.

What's really being said is that gay people are trivial, you are trivial, and having to live in fear and self-loathing is nothing. Being forced to deny your very nature is nothing. You are nothing, because the basis of all discrimination is to reduce a human being to a physical trait, whether it's skin pigmentation or an alien sex act.

But we're much more than that, just as heterosexuals are more than what they do in bed. And if one's sexuality is no one's business, then perhaps married people should remove their wedding rings and take family photos off their office desks.

Oh, no, that's different, they would cry. And we come back to their seeing us as not quite fully human as straight people are.

That's the issue with gay marriage in the US; it's the ultimate expression that gay and straight people are equal, if different. And the right-wingers (and many moderates) *hate* that idea, finding it repulsive.

Peace leaders from Gandhi to Martin Luther King knew that bowing and scraping to your oppressors would never bring people their rights. Silence only encourages the oppressors, even implying agreement with them. Instead of worrying about whether we should take a "hard approach" or a "soft approach," why don't we first worry about being kind to ourselves, and not allowing such bigotry to go unchallenged in our presence?

Thanks for a great article.
37. 2006-06-17 00:17  
Parents and family still cannot accept the fact that I'm a lesbian after just telling them 2 years ago. They still insists that it is not ok to be a lesbian and that I should change and meet straight men, marry and have kids. Too many failed relationships I had in the past and have a kid of my own from the last one. It never work out well and that's when I didn't want to listen to them no more. But still, they want me to find a man to marry. I'm happy with my girlfriend now but pressure is still on me to marry a man. SIGH!
38. 2006-06-17 00:59  
I believe there are SURE to be Gay people in Singapore Civil Service or in the Government Sector. It's just that Gay people don't really want to speak up and afraid that other colleagues might detest them.
39. 2006-06-17 10:20  
WOW...will see how it goes in lets say 50 yrs from now...perhaps the cruelty of living a closeted life is history....

If one person lives the life of Brokeback MTN, does it mean that he is in fact a closeted gay male, a bisexual...or simply a gay guy who loves the sweet old simple country living lifestyle...hmm

40. 2006-06-17 11:09  
It's rather telling that one of the people mentioned that there are only two ways to live your life:

1. Getting married and lying to your spouse.
2. Not getting married and lying to your friends and family.

But he forgot the third option that, although hard at first, ultimately is the best solution because you can finally relax in your life instead of constantly having to maintain a facade of this thing called 'normalcy'.

3. Don't lie to your friends and family, and don't get married to cover it up.

People can be so blind and fail to admit that, contrary to their protestations that their family or friends can't handle the truth, it's actually that they cannot accept it themselves.
41. 2006-06-17 12:10  
If only I could meet these punks !!!

I would be more than happy to torture them to death !!
42. 2006-06-18 08:55  
If all the gay men would stop shopping at Macy's they would be reduced to one trailer in laramie, Wyoming. Thanks Fridae for keepng the world informed of our progress and our struggles being GLBT people. Harland/Harry
回应#43於被作者删除。
44. 2006-06-18 16:53  
Post #8 has20000 says (Posted : 18 June 2006 16:48) :

my mom knows that i'm gay.

she knew that i was gay when I first brought my bf home. she asked me then but i didn't answer her.

i just told her about half a year ago when i broke up with my ex-bf ( no_regret), a relationship of 4 years.


now even though she knows i'm gay, she would still ask me to look for a girlfriend to get married.

why????????????
回应#45於被作者删除。
回应#46於被作者删除。
回应#47於被作者删除。
回应#48於被作者删除。
49. 2006-06-18 17:35  
All of 'us' have our lonely and sometimes torturing soul-directed search while coming out.

Through it all, when most of us made it across to the other end of the rainbow bridge . . . it's a huge relief.

Normalcy has always been, and will always be a private state of mind and being. The state, country, religion and community can never provide you that.

Took many actors and too many community stages . . .

Historically maybe tougher for some. But presently, this age seems more ready for change and acceptance for personal spiritual enlightenment.

Granted we do live in unison in seemingly organised communities everywhere, like it or not, there is always an idividaul within you that makes you what you are and screams loudest for the attention it deserves.

It is very tough. But looking back, hopefully for you too, would agree, u will never have to live it differently if u had to live it twice.

Take a deep breath and cross that bridge.
50. 2006-06-18 21:52  
What shocks me more is that none of the witnesses offered to help.
51. 2006-06-19 05:18  
I agree with some aspect of the article interms of the social conformity of one beliefs. However, it seems reasonable to say that the sociological study of human sexuality has been dominated for the past twenty years by social constructionist and postmodernist perspectives. It is not clear whether thinkers working from such perspectives are in the numerical majority, but they certainly seem to speak the most forcefully and to be the subject of the greatest attention.

Author Jeffrey Weeks (1986) implies that the distribution of sexual orientations in a society is a matter of power; heterosexuals have historically had the power to define heterosexuality as normal and homosexuality as deviant.

Apparently that most people are heterosexual because they are simply conforming to social norms. Adrienne Rich (1980) is more explicit. For her, heterosexuality is essentially a political institution, a matter of what she calls compulsory heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is imposed by the powerful on the less powerful or powerless. "For women," Rich (1980:648) says, "heterosexuality may not be a 'preference' at all but something that has had to be imposed, managed, organized, propangandized, and maintained by force."

What can we make of all of this? One major problem is that, with one or two possible exceptions (Harris, 1981; Herdt, 1984), heterosexuality is overwhelmingly the most common form of sexual activity in all known societies. This would seem to suggest that sexual orientation is rooted in our biological nature. Weeks (explicitly) and Rich (implicitly) argue, as we have seen, that heterosexuality is the most common form of human sexuality simply because of the political domination of heterosexuals over homosexuals. But this is an unusually extreme form of special pleading. It is also an argument that not only flies enormously in the face of the facts, but is completely illogical. Are we expected to believe that precisely the same kind of social construction occurs in all known societies, most of which are separated by enormous distances of space and time?
52. 2006-06-19 11:52  
Ok,i think a man should tell his sexual orientation to his spouse before marriage to avoid conflict in the future.I have met married peoples who did that and they enjoy having a family and being a gay.But they must fulfill their role as a husband and as a father in all aspects including sex with the wife.Don't let the wife feel threathened or being small compared to our gay friends.Remember,we are lawfully wed to them.Im a gay now,i like a girl but im not sure wether i can love her truly and have sex and produce childrens.Will i be happy?I will be torchured alive with my sexual identity.Ill be cheating my spouse and my g partner.I prefer to be alone and adopt childrens,but In Asia ,you have to be married to due to various pressures and to cover yourself ur behind the marriage.Honesty is the best to avoid probs...Tell your wife after mariage,to protect yourself...
53. 2006-06-19 14:23  
Can a gay guy ever fall in love with a woman, and do anything for her, including denying his true identity and self? In those heterosexual marriages involving a gay, I wonder if the gay person does indeed really love his/her spouse? Can there be real heterosexual love in such a relationship? I really wonder.
54. 2006-06-19 21:05  
davlim76, if a gay guy can fall in love with a woman (and by that it also means being sexually into her right?), then I'm inclined to think that he's not really gay afterall. Maybe bisexual?
55. 2006-06-21 07:40  
It all depends on how desparate both parties are ... and what the peer pressure and surrounding circumstances call for ... to the best of my knowledge if the family is traditional ... everyone wants to keep up appearances ... but a man who is sexually confused will do no one any favours especially the girl ... he will never be satisfied to be tied down to jus the girl, but on the bright side, she has no worries that he is sleeping around with other girls behind her back ... as his way of suppressing any hard-on is with a guy ... for fun, no less. Cos at the end of it, if u look at it, he gets satisfaction at home ... so out on the field, its all fun and games for him :-)
56. 2006-06-23 21:12  
well..reading through it all,simple makes me more believe gay men and women marriages will eventually takes centerstage.I may it be peer pressure of the parents strong ethics believe,the human heart is govern by its own soul.Being gay may be depriving one's capability of normality circumstances but again gay are after all full pledge human being with blood as strong as anyone normal individual n soul as demanding as their predecessors.

Daniel
57. 2006-07-09 10:45  
Good to see this issue here, but wish this article was in the "straight press" where more of the married gay people would see it. I'm a married gay man in the US. I came out to my wife after 30 years when I finally began to act on my feelings-just couldn't repress them any longer (thankfully). I also belong to a support group for married gay men; there are plenty of us. As your article points out, one can't begin to count the people in the closet.

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