In between crushing fingers, days, hours and minutes are numbered. And every time you sneak out to for coffee or tea, it is recorded in the logbook of your lover's calendar.
Your mind is controlled and your every action watched. Your identity slowly fading into a whirl of pages that once bore your fingerprints now to be replaced by her ideal partner, not what you were but what you have or will become. You are possessed by her vision of love and yes, by the time you are "completely" moulded into her dream, you have lost yourself in a sphere of forgotten memories.
You'll forget that you like ice cream, walks in the park and cool evenings because now you hate ice cream; you despise the parks for their insects and wet grass and you love the mornings more than the chilly nights. You change your wardrobe completely and dispose of your favourite high school shirt, your running shoes and that scarf you got from your favourite aunt for whom she does not fancy.
You used to laugh every time I told a joke but now you are silent and your expression is less of even the faintest smile. You didn't like that set of Disney pyjamas I gave you because she told you they were for kids and I thought you loved Mickey Mouse, or was that when we were still friends?
Your freedoms are curtailed but you tell me that everything you do is your decision -- based on her suggestions, that is. I used to call you up and let you know how much of a friend I am and that I care for you but now she forbids you more than two minutes on the phone with me or anyone because we are threats, accidents waiting to happen, future lovers in the making and her jealousy drives you away from your friendships.
We couldn't even see a movie, play billiards or drink till we both drop, she just hates it when you see your friends because she thinks that we're barbarians and out of control.
Open your eyes, or should I say, "Wear your glasses!" (Those blue contact lenses don't suite your color). Before you completely become alien to us, look closely at what you've become. You've become everything else except you.
It a weakness for some of us, we become our partner not knowing that each time we do that, we move a step away from being ourselves.
Some of us fight it and make sure we have our own identities, set of friends, individual goals, possessions, musical interests, way and manner of speaking, sports and in some cases even beliefs. Resisting the urge to change totally for someone does not mean that you are not in love and unwilling to compromise, it means you know what you want and who you are. And if she doesn't think that you can both be individual people in one meaningful relationship, than one or both of you will become very unhappy.
I know you're unhappy and that you feel incomplete. You told me that during a two-minute talk. So it looks like you know what is wrong, talk to her and try to make her understand. It's never too late to be yourself.
Life is being taken, you are being taken and for every morning we meet at the corner coffee shop, a habit of ours before work, I know I'll soon be seeing a complete stranger.
Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com
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