Once upon a time, in a city not so far away, David, an attractive, bright and totally eligible gay bachelor met Ron. It was love at first sight. Ron was everything David ever wanted in a partner: witty, charming, successful, a dream for a face and a wet dream for a body. Everything was going great until one day - David was introduced to Ron's fiance.
First of all, the numbers are against us. It has been said that only 10% of the global population is gay. Though somewhat debatable, if we take it to be true (unless we go our way out to avoid meeting straight men), the chances are that 9 out 10 guys we find attractive are straight. So it's a matter of probability.
This is especially true for David's case. Still very much in the closet and extremely straight acting, his contact with the members of the same sex is mostly restricted to non-gay occasions. It wouldn't be unfair to say that the chances of him being attracted to a heterosexual male are much higher than the rest of the people like us.
Moreover, according to the venerable Dr. Hannibal Lector - given his in-depth knowledge of the human brain - we covet the things that we see. Since David hangs around straight men most of the time, it is inevitable that he falls for a couple (ok, a number) of them. And I dare say he is not alone.
David came to me with his Sally Field hysterics, crying his eyes out from his episode with Ron. 5 jugs of overpriced margarita and countless sheets of Kleenex later, I have only one advice for him: go out and know more gay men.
However my attempts to get him out of the closet and into the scene are usually met with dissent.
"Those guys in the scene are so 'out' and loud," he recites his standard retort. "I just don't feel comfortable around them."
Which brings us to another side of the story. The rather unfortunate stereotype of the 'out' gay person: louder than a flock of jaybirds, flightier than their feathers. While these virtues do make a person fun and exciting to be with, they don't exactly scream partner material.
Conversely the archetypal heterosexual male is often seen as stable, consistent and dependable. Pitting the steadfast straight guy against the capricious gay male, it is apparent why so many of us at some point in time, fantasize about having an ber-straight to rely on.
Of course, as with most stereotypes, this is yet another gross generalization of the population at large.
As sexuality is in actual fact more of a spectrum than neat little pigeonholes, we are guilty of committing the double fallacy (if not felony) of ascribing certain characteristics to an individual purely based on the category he's supposedly in.
The truth is, we are just as likely to find a gay straight man (a straight who knows his Gucci's and his Prada's, cries at the movies and worships Martha Stewart) and a straight gay male (a gay who is a walking fashion disaster, chugs beer and plays sports), as we are to find a textbook straight or gay guy.
The reasons for this blatant act of discrimination completely eludes this writer. But I digress. The bottom line is: don't be too quick to judge a person by the label he's been slapped with.
Even as we acknowledge human diversity, we cannot deny the presence of social constructs in our collective (un)consciousness.
Typically growing up in a heterosexual environment, most of us would have been taught in one way or another, of what a 'real man' should be like. Our very definition of maleness is built from heterosexual notions and role models from John Wayne to Chow Yuen Fatt, the authoritative father to the adventurous uncle.
Given our inclinations, most of us would have developed a liking for some special male figures in our childhood or adolescence. As we blossom into homosexual adults with the image of the ideal man indelibly ingrained in our fragile little gay minds, is it any wonder then that we find the real deal more appealing than the phony poofs?
Thankfully, most of us have the sense and sensibility to realize the foolishness of falling for straights guy and are able to snap out of it. But what about straight devotees like David? Are they doomed to a lifetime of longing for men they will never have; falling for guys who would rather eat candy floss than suck on a Popsicle?
Apparently not, observed Roger, a reformed straight junkie, "you can only bang your head against the wall so many times before you realize just how silly you look and those bastards don't even have a clue."
"At the end of the day, you have to wise up somehow. All the girls are complaining that the best ones are gay and here we are torturing ourselves over their rejects. I say, let the straight be straight, and let us be pretty, happy and gay."
In other words, stop lusting for the greener grass at the other side and start savoring the fabulous garden around you. It may be harder for some but take heart that rehabilitation is possible. It's about time you reexamine your options and make the right choice.
Meanwhile, I'm standing by with a carton of Kleenex while David seeks his happy ever after. Just in case.
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