Fridae

It's just two letters in the US. SM - Sadomasochism. In the UK, they add an 'and'. S&M - Sadism and Masochism. Double the treat, perhaps - or double the pain. But have you ever been able to take it seriously? Personally I don't get turned on by a sexual partner beating me up, or asking me to beat him up, but a little bit of spanking can be a turn on if I'm the one delivering it.

In the West, there is a sophisticated support network of interest groups and meeting places for those who are into S&M. And they are everywhere: a man in leather chaps is not an uncommon sight in any city of medium-sized town. My understanding of the western style of S&M is that it revolves around trust. The idea is that the master has complete control of his slave and exercises that control in all aspects of the slave's life, from deciding when the slave gets to eat, to dishing out pain - and pleasure. The two have decided in advance what is allowed and what isn't, and there is an agreed signal for when things have gone too far and should stop. The slave places his complete trust in the master and gets complete security in return. I have often heard a slave say: "You can't imagine the feeling when he holds me afterwards."

But how common is it? How many of us admit to being into S&M? Even in the West, those that are heavily into S&M are talked about in hushed tones when they come into the bar. For most of us the occasional spanking is as far as we will go - maybe even a little bondage - but is this just sex play and a bit of fun, or is it S&M? This is where we have to turn to psychologists for help. The fact is that nearly all of us associate sex with being bad (Judeo-Christian values) and therefore expect to be punished for doing it. I am a Catholic and we are often the best sexual partners for when we are bad, we go the whole nine yards as we'll have to confess it all later no matter the level of sin. As we say in Ireland: "You might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb!"

In Asia, the guilt factor in sex is as huge as it was in my father's generation in the West. The stigma attached to being sexually active outside marriage is enormous. We have Confucius to thank for that. So why is it that S&M as a sexual identity seems non-existent? One reason is that gay "communities" in the modern sense of the word have not been around for very long in Asia and are still maturing. Boys in Asia are still struggling with whether they are 'tops' or 'bottoms', 'ones' or 'zeros'.

When westerners come along and say you can be both, there is headless chicken confusion. It's difficult enough to get a guy to admit that he likes you, let alone talk feely about what he is willing to do sexually. So it will probably be a few more years before we start seeing S&M enter the mainstream in that kind of environment. Not that I haven't been asked to spank someone's naughty bottom before I fucked him...

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Asian S&M exists, but it's all very hush-hush. Let's look to the demi-gods of Asia, the ones we all revere: the Japanese. They have some of the most disturbing porn on the planet, most of it involving some form of humiliation and degradation. I have often found the Japanese to be cruel - and I am not referring to the Second World War or to the invention of Hello Kitty.

I often watch Japanese TV and it seems that their favorite form of entertainment is the humiliation of an individual in public. A myriad of game shows follow the same formula: greedy housewife or salaryman has to do some degrading act (like in sitting a vat of worms while eating tofu) in front of hundreds of people to earn a few yen. And how they laugh. If S&M is your daily diet on the box, what are you going to do in the bedroom?

One aspect of life in Asia that may play an important role in promoting S&M is the rigid social order of most Asian societies. The individual's importance is subsumed into the collective which must thrive as a unit. A hierarchical structure is in place, and there are clearly defined leaders and followers with severe punishments meted out for those who step outside their assigned role.

The power play between different pressure groups within Asian societies is the model for all relationships, from the workplace slave/master employee/employer, to the family where the father is the undisputed authority, owning his wife and children in law as well as in reality. With this model of interpersonal relationships to follow, it is no surprise that many Asian relationships will fall into the slave/master role, with each partner instinctively assuming one of the roles.

If we look to psychology again, it is suggested that our sexual identities develop when we are very young, but are fixed as we pass through puberty. Expressions of love in Asian families are more subtle than the American "I wuv you" and hugs all round. By putting an extra piece of meat in your bowl, mom says she loves you. By nagging you to put on a coat when it is cold, she says the same. And father never pays any attention to you except to scold you or to hit you.

If young Asian gay boys are identifying sexually with their fathers, then any attention he shows them will be taken as a sign of love. And if the only attention is violence, then that can become fixed in the boy's mind as sexually arousing. Later when he reaches puberty and starts liking his older male role models outside the family such as teachers, corporal punishment is the only attention he gets. The sexual identity becomes fixed.

But if that were true, there'd be a lot more rice beaters out there, wouldn't there?