Fridae

HL and HY are sisters living in Sydney. They are the epitome of a sibling relationship, filled with love, laughter, and plenty of bickering.

3 years ago, HY came out as a lesbian to HL, during a 1-on-1 discussion about relationships and marriage.

HL spoke about the moment her newly born baby sister HY first came home from the hospital 22 years ago. "I never knew then," says HL," that my baby sister would one day tell me that she's a lesbian."

Fortunately for HY, big sister HL was patient and understanding enough to accept her homosexuality. HL happens to be one of those people who have been exposed to homosexuality enough to accept it as the norm. Consequently, HL didn't have a problem accepting HY because she didn't think that a person's sexuality is anyone else's business. Adds HL, "As long as my baby sister is happy with someone, regardless of gender, I am happy."

But not everyone has it as peachy as sisters HL and HY. Some siblings create a barrier of emotions by reacting negatively when confronted by their sibling's homosexuality.

"Acceptance from family is very important for someone who discovers that he or she is gay," says A, a psychology graduate from Perth, "Often it's the family that sets a guideline for a person's identity - but those who come from a conservative background may not have this sort of luxury of acceptance."

Such is the case for Ching, from Singapore, who was "outed" by her mother to her siblings two years ago. "They bombarded me, gave me hell," says Ching, describing her siblings' confrontation," till today, they refuse to accept me, and still live in self-denial."

Ching does not think her siblings will ever accept her, partly because she thinks that they still hope that it's just a phase that will pass with age. However, Ching believes her siblings have little influence on her decision, adding that: "They really can't do anything about it, because we are not close in the first place."

For those who come from a more conservative background, there is always a high chance that a sexually suspect sibling would prefer to remain in the closet for a much longer time, rather than to feel dejected and rejected by his or her own family members - especially older siblings whom he or she may have looked up to.

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Some siblings are unable to or may find it hard to accept homosexuality because of the confusion that may arise from learning of a sibling's homosexuality. Such siblings, often from a traditional upbringing, cannot comprehend how 2 people coming from the same parental upbringing could turn out to be so different.

Roy Mohan recounts the moments after he found out about his brother's homosexuality when he was 14, "I was angry and upset, because it was wrong," says Roy, "but I helped him to hide it from our parents, even though I thought that it was biblically wrong."

For people like Roy, brotherly love overrode personal convictions against homosexuality. "As long as he can take care of himself, that's all that matters," adds Roy.

The invisible shackles that you wear around family members would be less heavy and painful if you knew at least one person in your family knew the real reason why you never had any boyfriends.

Siblings are also a better first choice if you want to come out, partly because they may know you better than your parents.

It's also a bonus if you know your sibling has friends who might be gay.

A personal friend, Kay, once recounted to me about how easy it was to come out to his younger sister, "She just shrugged and said that it didn't matter, as long as I was happy." Kay noted to me that the fact that his sister had a previous close friendship with a "sexually suspect" girl may have something to do with her positive response.

So if an individual suspects his/her sibling is gay, what should that person do?

Quoting a very apt phrase from the Bible: "The truth will set you free." (John 8:32), there is nothing less important than coming clean with something, especially with those whom you love.

In other words, just ask. If your sibling is ready to come out to you, he/she will be more than happy to let you in on the secret. If not, let them be, and leave them to decide if you should know or not.

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If a sibling does come out as gay, siblings who aren't homophobic may probably accept it as long as the person is happy. But for those who are homophobic about having a gay brother/sister, it may be better to talk about it by having a heart-to-heart discussion - just like Roy Mohan did when he found out about his brother's homosexuality, "I confronted him, and I sort of accepted it after that."

But the truth doesn't always set you free. Sometimes, it could make life even more complicated for everyone involved.

For example, it's not always true that siblings who have gay friends will also be ready to accept you. Sometimes they may react negatively, thinking that, "it's alright if someone else is gay, but having a gay brother/sister is too close to home!"

Also, in a household where sibling rivalry may be endemic, your sibling may be more than ready to "tell the truth" to your parents, just to get into your parents' good books.

Sometimes, a sibling may not necessarily know you as well as you think - especially those who are much older than you and have their own lives.

"I dare not tell my sister," says Anne from Perth, of her sister, who is 15 years older than her, and apparently homophobic," I see the way she comments about the queens and cross dressers on television, and it scares me."

Because of her inability to talk to her sister about her past and present relationships with women, Anne has to turn to friends instead. But friends can only provide limited emotional support to someone like Anne, who still prefers to be closeted, even to the queer community.

Straight siblings, who may have trouble accepting another sibling's homosexuality (as was the case with Ching and her siblings), often need time to adjust to and accept the truth. This time could be a matter of months and even years, but the consequence of this could go either way - that of them distancing themselves even further from the gay sibling, or becoming even closer to the gay sibling.

Whatever the response of straight siblings towards having a gay sibling, we should realize that our straight siblings would probably need time to adjust and accept - just as we did when coming into terms with our own homosexuality.