Fridae

"To Marilyn Monroe who tried, I believe to help us see that beauty has a mind of its own." - Judy Grahn, poet, playright and novelist, in her introduction to The Queen of Wands (1982).

Picture this. Two gorgeous big-haired blondes in strappy, skin-tight, cleavage-overboard numbers, thrusting ample bosom at ample bosom and sliding full hip against full hip, are framing a green bottle of gin on both sides in a way that would make even Shu Qi blush a bright red.

One of them gazes down at the bottle amorously, while the other, with heavily mascara-ed eyes closed, opens her mouth slightly in a half-smile that looks set to build up to a climax, in more ways than one.

In the background, looking on at the cavorting girls with envy in a shade more green than the bottle itself is a distinguished-looking gentleman whose lusty smirk belies his apparent stateliness.

That man is Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner, and the picture that has just been described is one of the advertisements run by the British brand of spirit, Tanqueray, in a campaign that features celebrities that are portrayed to be, like the brand of gin, "Truly Distinctive."

Whether Hefner is indeed "Truly Distinctive" or merely Disgusting is not the issue here; what I'm getting my knickers in a twist about is the blatant, shameless commodification of the Lipstick Lesbian.

For the unenlightened, yes, there is a name for those traffic-stopping femmes you've seen at those posh watering holes in town, who happen to love women as much as they love makeup � and make no mistake about it, that's a lot.

The Lipstick Lesbian practically marinates herself in Christian Dior's Poison, while she pays homage to the gods of manicures and pedicures, and worships the goddesses of hairstyles and high fashion. The variety of lipstick and nail colours she owns is so huge, it would put Jackie O's hat collection to shame.

Never make the mistake of saying she looks "nice" when you pick her up to go on a date � after all, those 7 hours (and this is a moderate estimate) that goes into bathing, shaving, bleaching, filing, polishing, combing, brushing, spritzing, and applying five pounds of makeup certainly constitutes a compliment that's more than just a small four-lettered word.

This walking fashion catalogue on three-inch heels, no less, is not merely of the skin-deep variety. She is known to be extremely possessive of her butch/femme (depending on inclination), and when the occasion calls for her to make her presence known in the face of competition, her claws are not only sharpened, but buffed, painted and polished perfectly in the Femme Fuchsia variety of colour.

---

Without mercy the Lipstick swats at her adversary with the skilful strokes of an expert, designed to generate a maximum reaction of fear and awe with a minimum amount of obvious effort. The Lipstick has the power to do all that in the bat of a false eyelash, then quickly retract those claws and with so seductive a smile, take the arm of the bewildered, not to mention bewitched butch/femme and strut away with all the composure of a peacock keeping her glorious feathers nonchalantly after sending an bug-eyed intruder whimpering back to the swamp it oozed out of� with every single feather perfectly in place.

She's got her significant other eating out of her hand (or any other body part that her highness desires) just by exploiting the charms of her feminine accoutrements. The Lipstick is often considered the epitome of all things that are conventionally understood as "feminine." From her style of dress, to the passive role she plays in a relationship or dating situation. She's the princess, and she's the one waiting to be rescued by her knight (be it butch, stud, or femme) in shining armour.

In a "typical" (whatever that may mean) butch-femme relationship, the Lipstick would rather be caught in public without eyeliner on (horror of horrors!) than open a car door herself before gingerly sliding into the seat � commonly known as the "But I could break a nail!" syndrome.

Despite all the pampering that the Lipstick is usually entitled to, she's not always got the better end of the dyke deal. Because they prefer togas from Gucci and halters from Bebe to t-shirts splashed with political messages voicing the cause of the minority (such as "PUSSY: BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS"), they are not easily identifiable as lesbians and have been accused of "trying to pass for straight."

Some lesbians believe that femininity is an artificial creation invented and imposed on women by men to keep them down, and those who believe this think that every woman who wears makeup is endangering their civil rights. The predicament of the Lipstick does not end there, however. They have also been mixed up with straight women looking for kicks by being beaver-teasers for a night.

Men have shamelessly used this very facet of lesbian chic as a commodity in the porn and advertising industry. Men's magazine Maxim's definition of Lipstick is a "Labia Experimenteur" � a "sultry temptress" who "nests with men but thinks it's hip to swap spit and touch bumpers with her kind."

---

According to the magazine, the Lipstick's distinctive traits are Angelina Jolie looks, complete with suicide blonde hair and lips that take up half her face, but most importantly, she "only pretends to be lesbian for the sexual gratification of straight men."

The Commercial Closet, an online collection of gay advertising, has a category of advertisements under the theme of "Lipstick Lesbians", where 43 ads are listed, (Tanqueray being one of them) where the models in them are said to project the image of the common male fantasy of being a voyeur, or better yet, a participant in a wild lesbian sex come m�nage-a-trois romp.

"These women are every bit a fantasy of what a lesbian "should" look like to straight men -- with lots of makeup and hair -- and they are often present in the ad for the purpose of the male gaze," the website reported.

However, all is not lost for the sisterhood's polished princesses. There are those, like the online Lipstick Lesbian community known as Belladonna, who believe that being a Lipstick is a state of mind that upholds certain values such as:

- Thinking God made women better-looking than men so that it would be obvious at a glance which was the superior sex.
- Deriving a sense of power from towering over people when you wear high heels.
- Thinking of makeup as warpaint.
- Thinking that "feminine feminist" is not an oxymoron, but a redundancy.
- Knowing that a Lipstick can do anything a man can do -- backwards and in high heels.
- Perception of straight women as "the ones who settle for second best."
- Thinking that Adam was only a rough draft, to perfect Eve, and
- Accepting the "universal he" because, just as men are incomplete women, male words � he, man, male � are only incomplete versions of female words � she, woman and female.

As Lisa Leslie, two-time basketball Olympic champ and three-time WNBA All-Star Most Valued Player puts it, "I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner." So take it in your long-legged stride, you flashy femmes, and step into the world each day armed with your nail files and polish wands, for who would dare tread on the carefully varnished toes of such a beautiful creature as yourself?