Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I have only come out recently. As a lesbian new to the homosexual scene, I'm not entirely clear on the Ps and Qs of same-sex dating. So my question is: am I expected and should I do "it" on the first date?

Unsullied Lass

Dear Unsullied Lass,

Thank your lucky labia that you're a lesbian. Unlike gay men, lesbians have much less to worry about on a first date - because lesbians aren't actually expected to make love until date number fifty (or more). Lesbians are, however, expected to check if they are "cuddling compatible" on the first date. In other words, if your bodies meld together nicely when you hug and you find yourself in a swoon whenever you are in close physical proximity with your partner - then you're compatible. If not, the second date will never materialize. So why worry?

Equally Unsullied (shut up, it's my advice column),
Alvin Tan

Oh Alvin,

I have great news! I have netted myself a Sugar Daddy! We have been dating for only a week and I already have a fabulous new designer wardrobe! Life has been wonderful so far - until last week when he finally brought up the "sex" issue. While I enjoy his company and money, I'm not ready to make love to him. How now?

Sugar Addict

Dear Sugar Addict,

You are obviously young, cute and devious enough to snag a fat-walleted gentlemen - so cut out the faux-naif act. Let's be honest here - your Sugar Daddy-O is not wining and dining you for your ability to carry off a designer wardrobe with panache. If your source of disposable income is shelling out good money for your company, then he's going to want some good loving in return. Of course, you can try to pull an "I don't think I'm ready" act a la Molly Ringwald in many of her earlier teen movies but don't expect to get away with it all the time. Just remember: the best things in life are not ALL free.

Never-A-Kept-Boy-And-Proud-Of-It,
Alvin Tan

---

Hey Alvin,

I'm in a predicament. My girlfriend just can't do anything for herself. She waits for me to cook for her even though she gets home earlier than me and leaves the shopping to me. She leaves the household chores completely to me and doesn't even know how to remove ordinary stains from her clothes! I love her but her inability to do anything - and I do mean ANYTHING - is starting to get on my nerves.

Too Butch To Cook

Hey Butch,

Do you honestly want to spend all your time taking care of her and doing all of the work? Can you picture yourself as a maid at her beck-and-call for the rest of your lives together? Are "completely helpless" and "totally useless" on your list of top ten admirable qualities in your dream femme? If you answer "no" to all of the aforementioned questions, then you should wise up. Either she learns how to boil water or make a sandwich or she's outta there. However, if your answer is "yes" throughout, then you should get back to your housework or sign up with Maids R Us.

Not Too Butch To Cook,
Alvin Tan

Alas Alvin,

My boyfriend gave me a ring from Tian Po Jewellery for our anniversary. The problem is, I'm expecting at least a Tiffany! I mean, I'm worth more than that, aren't I? Should I just live with it, or should I tell him how I honestly feel? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I really love him. But � how do I show off a Tian Po ring to my friends?

Shallow Hal

Dear Shallow Hal,

Tsk. Tsk. You have obviously never heard of the saying "It's the thought that counts". In fact, you should thank your lucky stars that your boyfriend even remembers your anniversary and bothers to get you a gift (even if it's from Tian Po). One should never judge the value of a gift by its price (or place of purchase) but rather by the intention of the giver. And one should also never equate one's self worth with the market valuation of one's gift - unless you're a whore who charges by barter trade. Finally, a word of advice: Tiffany is for everyday wear and not for showing off. Cartier and Bvlgari are for showing off.

The Ring Bearer,
Alvin Tan

Dearest Alvin,

What in the world should I do? My reputation as a golden poolside Adonis is in tatters! Some devious person has scrawled my name and contact number on the doors of every cubicle at my favourite swimming haunt! I am now too ashamed to show my sun-kissed face at the pool! Help!

Speedo-Clad Lad

Dearest Speedo-Clad Lad,

Which swimming pool did you say that was again?

Alvin "I Love Speedos" Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice (or something to that effect).