Fridae

Warning: This review contains major spoilers for the plot.

I have finally found my true calling in life: I want to be a member of DiVAS.

And it's all thanks to my epiphany while watching Oscar-winning auteur Quentin Tarantino's much-awaited, much-hyped and much delayed new movie: Kill Bill Vol. 1.

Officially known as the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad (DiVAS), its membership comprises femme fatales - Michael Madsen notwithstanding - who are experts in the art of slice and dice and enjoy prancing around like a Kung Fu obsessed ballerinas.

Coming across as a United Colours of Benetton marketing gimmick gone bad and an evil version of Charlie's Angels, the lovely but lethal DiVAS are in dire need of new blood to fill up their rapidly depleted ranks which currently stand, pre-slaughter, as follows:

Star DiVA: The Bride aka Black Mamba played by Venus-made-flesh Uma Thurman
Personality (Dis)order: Obsessed with revenge.
Fashion Calling Card: Iconic Bruce Lee inspired yellow tracksuit (blood stains optional).
Lethal Weapon: Fists, knives and a Hattori Hanzo samurai sword.
Current Status: Alive and kicking ass.
Interesting Tidbit: The character of The Bride is the result of a late night chat between Tarantino and Thurman while shooting Pulp Fiction in 1993 and accordingly credited to "Q" and "U" in Kill Bill Vol. 1.

Black DiVA: Vernita Green aka Copperhead played by Vivica A. Fox
Personality (Dis)order: Most well adjusted of the DiVAS.
Fashion Calling Card: Worst-dressed DiVA with her Pasadena housewife look.
Lethal Weapon: Sharper-than-Ginsu butcher knife and a gun hidden in a cereal box.
Current Status: Stabbed through the heart.
Interesting Tidbit: In the course of filming Kill Bill, she was kicked in the tush (ouch!) by Uma during a fight scene.

Blonde DiVA: Elle Driver aka California Mountain Snake played by Daryl Hannah
Personality (Dis)order: Resident psycho.
Fashion Calling Card: Persil white trenchcoat with signature eye-patch.
Lethal Weapon: Fists plus assorted lamps and ashtrays etc. (see Kill Bill Vol. 2).
Current Status: Active pending Kill Bill Vol. 2.
Interesting Tidbit: The character of Elle Driver is a direct reference to the female protagonist in a Swedish film entitled Thriller A. K. A. They Call Her One Eye which is filled with XXX scenes.

Asian DiVA: O-Ren Ishii aka Cottonmouth played by Lucy Liu
Personality (Dis)order: Vicious, honourable and extremely poised.
Fashion Calling Card: Well-starched kimonos that take one's breath away (literally).
Lethal Weapon: Samurai sword and icy stares.
Current Status: Too close a "shave" with death.
Interesting Tidbit: Lucy almost did not get the role of O-Ren Ishii because Tarantino forgot to offer it to her despite giving her the script.

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DiVA-In-Waiting: Go-Go Yubari played by Chiaki Kuriyama
Personality (Dis)order: Likes to play with balls.
Fashion Calling Card: Preppy school uniform that will wet the appetites of those with a fetish for virginal schoolgirls.
Lethal Weapon: Deadly ball with chain (which she swings with much panache).
Current Status: Dead as a door nail.
Interesting Tidbit: The actress also stars in the ultra-violent Japanese movie Battle Royale.

Having dispensed with the roll-call (and while I think up a cool codename, a far-out costume and some signature moves for my impending DiVAS audition), let's talk about Kill Bill - a movie so massive that it has to be split into two with Kill Bill Vol. 2 scheduled for a February 2004 release.

Touted as his homage to grindhouse movies, Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol. 1 is told in non-linear chapters and centers around The Bride played by Uma Thurman, a former DiVAS member who decides to call it quits and get hitched.

Unfortunately, her disgruntled ex-employer (played by Kung Fu star David Carradine) refuses to set her free and instead orders his minions to attack their former pregnant colleague. In an act of cruel betrayal, The Bride is shot in the head while her husband-to-be and her unborn child are murdered on her wedding day.

Four years and one coma later, The Bride wakes up and seeks revenge. Part Yakuza movie, part Japanese anime, part High Noon and part Hong Kong martial arts flick, Kill Bill Vol. 1 basically chronicles The Bride's journey of revenge as she goes down her "Death List Five" and eviscerates members of DiVAS with style while leaving behind a typhoon worthy trail of devastation.

Despite being a Tarantino movie, Kill Bill Vol. 1 lacks the pop culture references and razor-sharp dialogue that defined his earlier works such as Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. In place of the Tarantino trademark repartee and sly humor, the movie serves up a gore-drenched splatter-fest with fake blood sprouting like geysers and body parts going a-missing and a-flying.

Alternating between black comedy and amazing action sequences, Kill Bill Vol. 1 culminates in a 20 minute catfight-to-the-death climax involving The Bride and O-Ren Ishii (plus her "Crazy 88" henchmen) at the House of Blue Leaves. In fact, it's a showdown with a body count so excessive and blood letting so profligate that it had to be rendered in black and white.

So if you're a Tarantino fan, a borderline psycho with violent tendencies, or if you just enjoy watching gorgeous women beating the living daylights out of each other, then Kill Bill Vol. 1 will make you a very, very happy gay man/woman.

Now excuse me as I go perfect my knife throwing stunts and devastating high kicks - DiVAS-dom here I come!