Fridae

Alvin,

I first met my BF two years ago by accident at a black outfit party. Both of us were just in the area and decided to drop by, and both of us were wearing bright orange! Fast forward to today, we are now the ideal "Ken-Ken" couple. We both hold key positions in good companies, we own a house, a dog, cars, and to top it all off - both of our families know of our relationship. However, the problem started when I met "Mr Nobody." We accidentally met at a friend's luncheon. As it turned out, we flirted on the net with each other a few years back way before I met my "hubby."

To cut the chase short, my hubby has been out of town and Mr Nobody and I ended up in bed together. I know I love my hubby but, I just can't get enough of Mr Nobody. Mr Nobody is clueless that I have a hubby and my hubby is clueless that I have a "mister-ress!" The worst part is we are already set in tying our bonds in one of those countries abroad which allow such unions. Our parents even are footing the bill!

I am not quite sure what to do? Mr Nobody is younger than I am. He has rough good-looking features compared to my clean-cut hubby! Should I put our "wedding" on hold for someone who is far younger than I am and who is just starting out; should I shrug off all these feelings of wanton desire; or do you think this is just a bump on the road to wedded bliss?

Sincerely,
Cold Feet

Dearest Cold Feet,

I must confess that my first instinct upon reading your email was to indulge in my "Xena, Warrior Princess" fantasy and bitch-slap you around until your senses return. Fortunately for you, inflicting physical harm upon a fellow gay man - however deserving - is anathema to yours truly.

To begin with, I hope you realise that you are jeopardising your relationship by cheating behind your husband's back - repeatedly. And you are sacrificing what appears to be a perfect husband for someone you barely know but are in lust with. So while you weigh the pros and cons, let me present you with two possible responses to your predicament.

Moral Response: You are a bad, bad boy. Not once in your letter did you even consider the impact your behaviour will have on your husband and Mr Nobody. The way I see it, the issue here isn't about whether you should go on with your wedding or whether you should call it off and head for the hills with Mr Nobody. It's about the lack of respect and the utter disregard that you have for both your husband and Mr Nobody. Shame on you! Waitaminute, you have no shame...

Immoral Response: You are clearly a capable wanton who wants to have his cake and eat it too. There are two types of gay men in this world: gay men who cheat and gay men who are caught cheating. As far as I could tell, you belong to the former. So put your current state of mind down to pre-wedding jitters and go ahead with your Vera Wang fitting. Afterall, who's to say you can't have a clean-cut husband and a rough-tough toy boy? Just don't get caught.

Now here's my advice: Decide if you are a moral or immoral person and that decision will then dictate what you should do next.

A Most Wonderful Wanton,
Alvin

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Hi Alvin,

I've met this Aussie guy last December and we soon started dating. We are in a monogamous relationship. He is an expatriate and very discreet about his sexual preference. I totally respect that because I am very discreet as well.

He's a wonderful guy and he's hospitable and friendly to all his friends and acquaintances. That's the whole problem. I discovered that he has a couple of gay Asian friends, one of whom (let's call him Sean) is living in Malaysia.

I got to know that that Sean's been visiting my boyfriend every month. I used to spend every weekend with my boyfriend but whenever Sean visits, he'd live in my boyfriend's apartment and I would be completely left out! They also keep in touch via SMS (text) and telephone calls for those times that they are apart.

I've confronted my boyfriend and he repeatedly assured me that it's strictly platonic between Sean and him. As much as I want to trust him, I often found myself feeling hurt and depressed over the issue.

We'd talk about it and I'll feel alright for a while, then I'd become suspicious all over again. I'm tired of going through this. I wish I could tell him to stop seeing Sean, but I don't own him. I can't tell him whom he should or shouldn't see but I'm tired of feeling what I'm feeling.

Please advise me on what should I do?

Mr Paranoid

Dearest Mr Paranoid,

Frankly, I would hate to call any gay man a "bastard," but then again, I don't really consider your expatriate love a "man." No "man" would put his boyfriend through the wringer by spending highly suspect weekends alone with another man on a regular basis and then insist it's "strictly platonic."

According to my detective skills - honed through years of reading Nancy Drew - and taking into account the incriminating evidence, your expatriate love is obviously two-timing you! If there's nothing between Sean and him, why should you be excluded from their weekend get-togethers? And why should there be a need to keep in constant touch via SMS or long-distance phone calls (they're not cheap you know)?

When not addled by lust, alcohol or poppers, a gay man's intuition can be most accurate (unless you have a history of paranoia or dementia but I digress). So if you suspect that your boyfriend is cheating on you, he probably is. Unfortunately, the only way to know for sure is to catch him in the dirty act. Whatever the case may be, just make sure that you are prepared to deal with the truth. If he's innocent (unlikely), you should forgive and forget. If he's guilty (very likely), you should pay attention to Lorena Bobbitt's memoirs.

Having said that, you should really re-examine and reconsider your relationship if it's causing you so much distress. You have made it clear that monogamy is a core criterion for a relationship and he can't seem to give you that. Unless you're willing to open the relationship to include his Malaysian Mistress, I see nothing but heartbreak in your future. Whatever the outcome of this torrid saga may be, do not let it affect your self-confidence and self-worth, and never blame yourself if things don't work out.

Now go have a good wash and remove the woolen detritus that's been lining your eyes.

Your Eye Doctor,
Alvin

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Dear Alvin,

None of my friends are of any help so I would like to hear from you. I'm a late 20-something lesbian who had just come out of a fairly long-term relationship. So here I am, having interesting email conversations with women I've briefly met (usually at clubs) and am keen on taking it offline. Some of them are attached in some way but I don't really care because I'm not looking for a relationship, etc.

I just want to know how I can ask them out but I don't want them to think that I'm into them. Is that what the assumption is nowadays? How do I make it clear I'm not "looking" and that it's safe to go out with me?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

Let me get this straight. You are asking ME for advice on the finer points of lesbian dating? What? Do I look like a lesbian to you? (Don't you dare answer that.)

Frankly, you don't need a loudspeaker to announce to your dates that you're "not looking." Subtle hints such as wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm not interested in relationships just SEX" would suffice. Alternatively, during your online flirtations, you could be upfront about your intentions and make it known that you're interested only in asking them out - with no strings attached.

If truth be told, I think it's rather inappropriate for you - or any other lesbian for that matter - to start worrying about expectations at this stage. Neither you nor any of your dates should be making decisions on the possibility or non-possibility of long-term relationships - simply because you don't really know each other well enough!

So unless you are served a restraining order from your ex or have a criminal record for doing a Hannibal Lector on the girls you date, I would venture to say that you don't have to "make it clear" that "it's safe to go out" with you - just go out and enjoy yourself.

Your Fairy Godmother,
Alvin

Dear Alvin,

I have met up with guys from the Internet after posting my personal ad. The majority are a let down but there are some guys who are quite "boyfriend-material." My question is, what is the etiquette regarding who makes the first call after the initial date?

Personal Advertiser

p.s. I don't want to seem desperate.

Dear PA,

The current netiquette is very simple: it's always either (a) the uglier one or (b) the hornier one who makes the first move.

Your Online Dating Sexpert,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.