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26 May 2006

ask alvin about persistent tricks, networking boyfriends and virgin disappointments

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where Alvin dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those who need it oh-so-badly.

Dear Alvin,

I'm a gay man in my early twenties who regards himself as one of the most attractive guys in the Singapore gay scene. Recently, I have a problem of bumping into guys I've had sex with. These incidents usually happen at the gym or at the sauna. They always want to "say hi" and "chat" with me but I'm really not interested in getting to know them after I've had my fun with them. Most of the time, I find myself having to invent some excuse for why I didn't call and whether if I would like to have a second time etc. etc. This is very annoying. What's your advice?


Dear SGTwink,

Forgive me if I doubt the authenticity of your claims - after all, I know ALL of the most attractive guys in the Singapore gay scene and I don't think I know you.

My advice to you is really simple: Stop sleeping around so much if you find yourself bumping into your tricks every time you turn a corner. That aside, how dare you treat people like they were paper underwear - to be worn once and then discarded? Who do you think you are - me?

Still, as insufferable as you are, you did bring up a common gay predicament - namely, what's the standard protocol when you run into tricks who want an encore performance but whom you really don't want to see again?

Well, for starters, you could pretend not to see them, ignore them outright or do a Cheng Pei-Pei in her role as Jade Fox in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and throw them a couple of icy glares. Most of them will get the message unless they're visually impaired.

If they persist on chatting you up, then you could throw tact out of the window and tell them matter-of-factly: "Look, if I wanted to see you again, I would have called. Now move aside, you're blocking my view of that droolicious Alvin Tan."

Having said that, you should not presume that every trick who wants to talk to you is interested in a repeat roll in the hay. There's a possibility that they're just being friendly - although why anyone would bother being friendly with a self-absorbed person like yourself is beyond me.

Your Expert on Homo-Protocols,
Alvin Tan
Alvin, your column really helps. I am a Filipino. I lived in Malaysia for one year and I had a Malaysian boyfriend for that duration. We had a tremendous attraction for each other and decided to live together. Life was sweet together but we had fights. We are both gorgeous, I must admit, and we are very much desired by many others.

He started a networking business and I was very supportive. Since I had many connections, I was able to introduce many people to him in the business. Unfortunately, I now feel that he "loved" me only because of what I can do for his business. I feel that he truly loved me at first but eventually that changed. I left him in the middle of last year but he still keeps on calling me. Indeed, I still have feelings for him but it is excruciating for me to feel that he "prostitutes" himself in the name of networking! I just can't take it.

Although, I won't take him back as I'm doing very well in my country now, do you think I did the right thing? There's a saying that it's part of the Chinese culture that business takes priority and relationship is always second.

Hope you could enlighten me on this.


Dear Jay,

As I have mentioned to SGTwink, I usually do not believe readers who claim to be "gorgeous" and "very much desired by many others" - that is unless they send me pictures of themselves in various stages of undress for verification at (email address deleted by shocked Editor).

With regards to your situation, it's not a matter of whether what you did was right or wrong - after all what's done is done. Rather, you should reflect on the way you appear to have (mis)handled your relationship with your Malaysian man and what that reveals about you.

Firstly, you should stop being so insecure. You doubt your boyfriend's feelings for you and suspect that he only loved you because of what you did and can still do for his business. Unless he's your pimp and you're his star manwhore, I really don't think that's the case - otherwise, he won't be calling you months after the two of you have broken up.

Secondly, you should stop being so over-possessive. You went ballistic because he needs to "network" even though you knew from the start that he works in the "networking business" (whatever that means). So unless you have concrete proof that he "prostitutes" himself to secure business contracts, you should have given your ex-boyfriend more credit.

Finally, you should stop being so namby-pamby. You say that your relationship is over - yet you contradict yourself by saying that you "still have feelings for him." If it's over, then stop mulling over the issue. If it's not over, then get your butt back to Malaysia, make him join you in the Philippines or work out a long-distance arrangement.

Miss Sin-gay-pore Herself,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,

I am 18 years old and do not have much experience about meeting people as I only came "out" for a few months. I am frustrated because many people want to know me and meet me. At first, they would be very interested in me and talk to me all the time and buy lots of gifts for me. Even though from the beginning I would tell them I only want to be friends, they would always want more.

When they finally get the idea that I don't want to date or have sex, they completely ignore me and move on. Is everyone like that, or is it just the people I meet? This has happened to me with at least 10 people and it is getting me very upset.

How can I truly meet people just to be friends? Please help me!

Yours Truly,

Dear Frustrated,

You're frustrated because many gay men want to know and meet you? What are you? Nuts? Anyway, despite this being an Advice Column, I'm afraid I do not have any comforting words for your virginal 18-year-old ears.

You see, when a gay person agrees to meet up and go out with strangers whom he has just gotten to know, there is an unspoken but implicit assumption that the two (or three or more) of you will be engaging in some sexciting sessions. When you turn down their sexual advances initially, they will assume that you are playing the coquette. When they finally realise that there's no chance in hell of getting the key to your chastity belt, they will drop you like an envelope filled with Anthrax.

Which brings me to my next point: The guys you met are horny jerks and you're probably much better off without having them for your friends. It's one thing to expect sex, it's quite another to do a vanishing act when they realise they're not getting any - after all, only I can carry off that sort of inexcusable behaviour.

However, in order not for history to repeat itself, you might want to lay down the ground rules more explicitly. For instance, you might say something like "I'm not looking for a relationship or a fling right now. But I'd love to hang out with you and maybe we can become the bestest of girlfriends!"

With such an approach, no gay man can accuse you of leading him on - but of course, you must be prepared to find the queue of gay men wanting to know and meet you dwindling quite substantially and of course, you must also be prepared to spend many a lonely nights at home reading poetry about friendship.

Your Gay Governness,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.

Reader's Comments

1. 2011-12-16 15:26  
Gosh I've just found and read these columns by Alvin Tan and I love Alvin Tan... 's advices..they are witty.
Where was I? :p

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