Fridae

Brett Ratner has completely messed up this reviewer's favorite gay superhero movie franchise. Thanks to his ham-fisted direction, Wolverine is boring, Rogue is annoying, Mystique looks fat and the gay subtext is almost all but lost.

So where does the truth really lie in this cool and elegant LGBT murder-mystery? Answer: Somewhere in the crack of Kevin Bacon's butt...

Sure, Brokeback was beautiful. But didn't most of us figure out we were gay before we hit drinking age? 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous is one of precious few movies about being a gay preteen, with its story of a 12-year-old overweight femme schoolboy, growing up in the New Zealand wilderness.

The Producers is great stage musical that has been poorly adapted into a film. But there is still much to savor, like when a roomful of pansies start singing "Keep it gay! Keep it gay! Keep it gay!"

Welcome to Britain, 2020: where those convicted of homosexuality are made to disappear, no one hails the queen, and the union jack's been replaced with the Norsefire government's flag resembling an ironed out swastika fashioned into a crude crucifix.

Two gay characters are vying for Oscar's Best Actor trophy. Brokeback's Heath Ledger as a straight-acting gay cowboy with no balls. Capote's Philip Seymour Hoffman as a supremely-queeny fag with balls of steel. Who'll win? Why, Philip, of course.

Everybody is leaving the theatre crying. But have we been had?

Little Kyoto is phony, the accents are horrendous - heck, the leads aren't even Japanese for crying out loud. Then again, why be prudish like conservatives and spoil all the fun Memoirs potentially has? Trust me, the dialogues and intrigues will burn themselves into the collective memory of the bitches and drama queens. In the years to come, this film, like Sayuri herself, shall become legendary.

Gay icon Sarah Jessica Parker hams it up in The Family Stone, a madcap Christmas movie by a gay writer-director that purports to be straight but never really plays its straight.

Fridae's Alvin Tan descends into uncharted caverns with the all-female cast of The Descent and finds himself enjoying the experience as they get picked off (and chewed on) by flesh-eating crawlers.