I wonder at times if we gay men deserve to get cheated on. Before you get all up in arms, let me tell you what happened to me. In May 2010, I was in the US, finishing up the last semester in my alma mater, and looking very much forward to flying back to Singapore to see my then-boyfriend again. Just one week before I was due to fly back, my ex decided to call it quits out of the blue, citing that he had no time for me beyond his new job and his family. Over MSN internet chat.
Naively, I believed my ex's reasoning. Despite seeing his pictures with his new beau on Facebook shortly after, I merely thought he found a replacement really quick. After all, I couldn't expect him to remain boyfriend-less for the rest of his life, could I? Only a year and a half later, 3000 km away in Taipei, did the light bulb in my head finally go off. A mutual friend told me that my ex had brought his beau to a dance club there, where the beau intimately addressed my ex as his lao gong ("hubby"). Something was wrong here. My ex didn't like such overtly sweet forms of address, so why would he allow it then? Thinking back about the suddenness of our break up, I realised – he must have gotten to know his new beau while I was away in the US. When I was about to fly back, he realised he could no longer play both sides towards his center, so he decided to ditch me in favour of the new guy.
"Pissed off" couldn't begin to describe how angry I was. No, I wasn't jealous of my ex's happiness. Neither was I so enamored that I couldn't let him go. I firmly believe that when love says it's time for it to go, nothing can make it stay. I was angry that after I helped dissuade him four or five times from taking his own life in his previous two years of despondent joblessness, he couldn't summon up enough courage to bid me a proper farewell. I was angry that I had to find out in such a roundabout way. Instead of telling me upfront and risking my wrath – would anyone not be angry under this circumstance – my cowardly ex took the easy way out. He knew he'd hurt me deeply by denying me closure, but he did it anyway so that he could avoid the pain of my censure. To this day, I still don't know the ‘real’ reason why we split.
I was so incensed, in fact, that I outed him that day on Facebook. Some of you would disagree with me for what I did. Perhaps you'd even condemn me. In fact, many of my friends had strongly disagreed with my action. One of them chided me for trying to ruin my ex, and lectured me on the importance of social reputation. Well, I don't know how he was raised, but my parents taught me that honesty and integrity are far more important than face. Once, I was even told that since I'm such a bitch anyway, I deserved to get dumped callously. Wow! Still others said that my ex's right to privacy outweighed what they saw as a serious violation borne out of a petty, personal need for vengeance.
But, in the words of the famous feminist activist Carol Hanisch, "the personal is political". In other words, I wonder if gay men's tolerance implicit acceptance of cheating ultimately comes back and whacks us all in the head like some karmic boomerang. We know that cheating is morally wrong. I believe that the need and capacity to live in some kind of social group are biologically innate in all of us, as are the need and capacity for justice to maintain order in such communal living. Among married straight people, the betrayed party can – and often do – get back at the offender by filing for divorce, and suing for a substantially large portion of the shared property. It's limited, but it's still a deterrent.
But do gay men do anything about the cheaters in our midst? Very little, I'm afraid. In the end, my ex emerged scot-free, looking like an innocent victim in the face of his very angry ex-lover. I didn't know of anyone scolding him for his misbehaviour. Some of my friends even went on holidays with him and his new beau, despite knowing what a big jerk he is. Others must have seen the Facebook photos of him and his beau in the one and a half years it took me to realise what happened, but they were either as stupid and naive as I was (unlikely!), or they connected the dots but didn't bother to tell me about it. Why not? Perhaps, in witnessing my break up and its aftermath, a sense of gleeful schadenfreude took over. Why stop the enjoyable live drama? Everyone loves drama, no? More likely, they didn't want to bring trouble unto themselves. After all, they didn't get hurt, so why get involved in someone else's affairs? Not surprisingly, the most common piece of advice I received was to let it go and forget the whole thing.
Whatever the case may be, such neutrality hurts us all in the end. I'm certain that I'm not the only person who was cheated on, and could do little about it. Consequently, as a social grouping, we gay men become de-sensitised to the emotional hurt that cheaters bring. We also learn implicitly that we won't be censured for our misdeeds, that we can get away with it, nay, get rewarded for it, in fact. And so we continue to cheat, even though we know that it's wrong.
But here's the big question: if we can't dispense justice among ourselves, how can we expect justice from others? Are claims to innate human rights sufficient? Do we live in social vacuums where we can't be held accountable for our actions? Political solidarity comes out of us helping each other in everyday life. You help me reprimand my ex, I treat you more as a friend and go more willingly to your next photo exhibition / volunteer session at the old folks' home / pro-gay public event. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. So, when we can't even govern our own affairs, how can we demand that society stop discriminating against us, to allow us to marry and all that?
Chris Tan is a 30-something Singaporean gay man who lives and teaches in China.
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Reader's Comments
You obviously are hurt by the break-up but be honest with yourself - it was only a "weekly tenancy".
Sure you 'talked' to each other frequently but did you really expect your bf not to find someone else to play with while you were away?
Men - gay or straight - are not built to be monogamous. Quite the opposite in fact. And he is a horny young man, yes?
The thing you are correct about is that he should have had the 'guts' to tell you he was seeing someone else, long before you got home. Then you both would have had the chance to negotiate an open relationship or not.
My best wishes for the next man in your life.
The other thing that all must remember that people will change with time. What we favour a year ago may not necessary be what we like today. I am sure, many of us here have experienced such changes in "flavours" before. Such changes can be easily be instilled but a mere encounter or by plain fascination of some porn star in a gay movie the guy had watched. We can't deny that we are all curious and are easily fascinated. After all, it was the same curiosity that brought us here into this circle in the first place.
So, Chris, whilst i emphatise with your predicament, I do hope you learnt your lesson well. You can't expect your ex to live a life in celibacy during your absence nor you can blame him for being so weak and fall for temptations. You also can't deny that you have partly contributed to the split up yourself.
Have the grace and the mercy and have the sense of maturity to accept the failed relationship. Give your ex the best wishes coz he may need it. After all, what goes around, comes around.
So, don't cry over spilt milk, but move on with your life. Forget the bitter past but don't forget and repeat the mistakes.
My best wishes to you.
Hugs
But beyond that, perhaps I shall up the ante and say that many stereotypes of gay men may well be far more accurate than we would like to acknowledge (albeit not 100%). Promiscuity is one if them, and not enough gay men are consciously refraining from that kind of behaviour that perpetuates said stereotype - perhaps it is the total-male sexuality which allows more spontaneous sexual expression (the saying that "women are like convection ovens but men are like microwaves" is due to the nature of hormones), but while that may not be a bad thing, for the majority of gay men, monogamy may be an unrealistic expectation - ESPECIALLY double-standards on fidelity.
I will not argue whether promiscuity is a moral or not - it is not my place, but as gay rights and marriage equality gain ever more footing, are we finally going to decide to accept that we actually might have to start being more consistent in our commitments, or are we going to have to fight for the right to DIVORCE next?
Not trying to make a point here - as it is heterosexual marriage has long fallen off the pedestal we have placed it on and I might argue that marriage equality is not a worthwhile aspiration if not for the legal implications of being recognized as a couple, but I'm really just throwing out some food for thought...
Seems to me your were unrealistic also in expecting "friends" to be a bearer of news! Remember that you have no idea what they KNEW in fact, or when.
Your entire article seems to paint us all in some sort of negative light. We are not, and while our relationships are different than the "norm" that history dictates, I believe they are healthier in than many gay couples are open to discussion about reality and possibilities. That said I am one who has had and again aspire to have a monogamous relationship.
Best regards and lose the bitter edge for your own sake.
You were willing to commit to him, for reasons only you knew and understood. He was NOT committed to you, for reasons only he knew.
You got dumped, my friend. And I am sorry to hear that. Whether he was seeing someone prior to that is quite irrelevant. It should not be an issue of social deterrence. It is an issue of personal commitment between two people (man or woman).
If he really cheated on you (i.e. you both had previously openly discussed and agreed to a completely monogamous relationship regardless of circumstances), then he was well aware of his violation of trust when he consummated his fling, if not well before when he was just feeling the urge. Blaming him accomplishes nothing. And my guess is that your partner probably suffered at some point, but then put it behind himself so that he could enjoy his spoils. Nice behaviour? No. But damned normal in the context of men and their relationships, gay or straight.
Which brings me to the question. If it happens to most of us at one time or another, if we see it happening to our friends even before it happens to us, then why are so many of us devastated by sexual indiscretions when they happen to us? Are we really so blind to the evidence? Apparently so.
Somewhere in that emotional, non-rational part of our brains is a voice that keeps saying "If he loves me, he will XXX, he won't YYY." I imagine every person, man and woman, has had this idea floating through their head at one time or another, consciously or unconsciously. It's the beginning of a downward spiral into relationship hell because it condemns us to react with anger, both at our ex and at ourselves when things don't follow our expected "if-then" conditions. We then forces the situation into "either he didn't love us enough or we didn't deserved to be loved enough or, worst of all, both!" So, we blame him, blame ourselves, blame others. Blame, blame, blame. And then we take these negative reactions and start compounding them, creating more and more emotional injury when there is, in reality, little injury, just disappointment. That doesn't mean real injury can't occur, but in most cases, it's the emotional injury of not getting what you want or expect, the reaction of someone who hasn't grown up.
Mr. Tan, I am sure you would never have thought to "out" your partner when things were going well. To do so just because you feel hurt by his actions is to show how your love and care for him was conditional on his love and care for you following your expectations. Love cannot exist if it's constantly teetering in the verge of imbalance, dependent on the other loving us enough, under conditional and changing measures we chose, often without ever telling the other. Either we love ourselves enough to make his love icing on an already sweet cake or we rely on his love for most if not all of life's sweetness. Rationally, we know that we are responsible for our own happiness, yet we tend to invest the responsibility into others…be it parents, lovers or friends. Growing up is seeing this tendency, the pain that results when we are disappointed with the results and learning to be less conditional, both with our love and the love we receive from others.
So, as another commenter hinted at, your experience was an opportunity for personal growth, Mr. Tan. And while is sounds like you slid the wrong direction in your reactions, it's still not too late to turn this into something positive which is really what it could have been in the first place. Then, next time around, you can learn to see and hear what your partner means when he says "I love you" compared to your own expectations of that meaning. If so, you will be in a better place to be more unconditional in your love and your reactions. I should know; I've been there (both as cheater and cheatee) and had most if not all the same negative, self-injuring reactions. I have gotten better to my own and any new partner's benefit. And hopefully you will too. Best of luck, sweetpea.
Stephan
Let's forget about criticizing the author's reaction to what his ex did - yes, it goes without saying that it was petty facebook vengeance drama. Fine - no great insight there. Also, yes - distance relationships are not a good idea. Even if both sides are faithful, unless you've known someone and been faithful for years and years and years, those things generally don't work.
But so much of what I'm reading here just confirms what is wrong with the gay 'community', such as it is. Gay people were condemned by society for so long that many of us reject the idea of condemnation itself, the idea that there is such thing as 'right' and 'wrong.' Yes, there are shades of gray, but some behavior should not be tolerated, and lying to and betraying your significant other is one of them. It's not 'normal', like so many people here are saying.
I spent the last 4 years on my life in relationships with 2 serial bad behavers...not cheaters - they did not cheat on me. But, they were people known to not be nice or considerate guys and to do things that greatly hurt other people - let's just leave it at that. So, after both relationships ended (or when one of them was seriously on the rocks), I had people come up to me and say - "Oh yeah, he was such a jerk...I knew all about what he did to so-and-so before you came along!" So, why didn't they warn me beforehand? The usual answers: "I didn't want to get involved...who am I to judge...what doesn't work for me may work for them" etc.
Well, who are you to get involved? You're my friend who should be watching out for me...that's who you are. Who are you to judge? You're a human being who should have some sense of what is acceptable and what isn't, not an animal. What doesn't work for you may work for someone else? I don't think betrayal works for anyone.
So, what should these people have done? If they were my friends, they should have warned me. Not to cause drama or get vengeance, but to help me out as their friend. With my two ex's, am I going around causing a huge drama, trying to ruin their lives, etc.? No, in fact, I live in a different country now. However, I feel compelled to tell anyone who asked me what type of people they really are, and if I had a friend who was involved with either one, I would certainly warn him.
In general, I find this concept that people are entitled to keep their own histories secret and not bear any consequences to be very funny. If you do something bad at work, people find out, and it's something for which you have to face consequences. If you do something bad in your family, your aunts, uncles and cousins will find out. Well, if you lie and cheat and mis-treat your lover, that's also something people should know - not as fuel for gossip, but to protect themselves and make up their own minds about you. When I have done something wrong, I've had to pay for it. Why should this be any different?
So, go ahead gay people. Make every excuse for why cheating is okay, why you shouldn't ever judge people who do this stuff, why it's all about personal growth, yada yada yada. Yes, I have had my own psychological, spiritual and religious journey after going through all of this...I'm not belittling that aspect of it. But in society, there are rules that govern how people behave toward one another - that's what civilization is based on. And, as long as gay people reject the idea that there are rules (a sad legacy of the times when being gay itself was 'against the rules') our 'community' will continue to be there petty, drama-filled, stereotypical mess that many ardent homophobes make it out to be.
So, if you find yourself excusing infidelity, pettiness and any of the other destructive behaviors that are so common in the 'community' (you can brainstorm about all of those - no need to elaborate here), don't whine to me about homophobia. Homophobia is based on stereotypes. A stereotype is a generalization. A generalization, by definition, should be generally true. And, these types of behaviors are indeed generally accepted by the gay community (or at least the vocal gay community), so I don't blame people for having misconceptions. Gay people are the biggest stereotypers of themselves, and when I see the way many of them behave, as a gay person myself, I feel disgusted. Homosexuality is a sexual preference, not a perversion, but unfortunate pathologies from the past have twisted the 'community.' If you continue to justify and excuse those pathologies, you are more responsible for homophobia than any radical pastor or right-wing looney is.
I have so many other reactions, but I will limit it to these:
- The author wrote that "We know that cheating is morally wrong." Cheating is the breaking of rules. Each and every relationship has their own UNIQUE set of rules which works for those individuals.
- not all heterosexuals believe in monogamy, accept it
- not all LGBTQs believe in monogamy, accept it
- at the end of the day what works for those people might not work for YOU.
p.s. We have been together 17 years together here. You will find someone out there who could be you life partner, but relationships are not always easy, and they do require a lot of work, and a lot of communication.
If you refuse to make compromises in your life, you will always be alone. Mr. 100% perfect is not out there, but Mr. Right is.
Cheating isn't the same thing as having an open or polyamorous relationship. If the relevant parties agree to an open relationship, it isn't cheating.
Forgive me for saying so, but being "outed" isn't possible if one is truthful to those he or she knows. Is there potential for rejection or even violence? Of course. But it's only through the action of being truthful and open that it is becoming possible to live more and more equally as LGBT in many places. The lag might actually be as much because of our own fear of rejection and violence as about self-hatred.
On another point, I sense a lot of self-hatred in the LGBT community when I read so many comments that describe what others in the community 'should' and 'should not' do. Just as society before tried to subvert LGBT identity and rights by ascribing heterosexual behavior as the only socially acceptable and beneficial behavior, so do we in the LGBT community subvert the identity and rights of others when we tell people how they should behave. I don't have to like or participate in others' practices that do not suit me, but condemning the practices of others that occur between consenting adults would make me a hypocrite of the first order, prizing and protecting only those rights that fit my personal perspective of right and wrong and which benefit me in my life.
It's all your fault and you have to blame yourself....
I hope that this will serve you a lesson in the future...>>>
I just broke up with my boyfriend today because he just doesn't put in as much effort as I do to make it work.
Anger and bitter feelings are very normal. But once we learn to accept and acknowledge that it exists, it will start to be easier to forgive and move on.
We are after all, just human. Nobody's perfect.
I'd wager a whole lot of heterosexual relationships claim to be monogamous, but aren't. (My boyfriend's parents fall into that category.) Gay guys have the opportunity to create forms of relationships that reflect how people actually behave, instead of how a societal norm says we "should" behave. Instead, many of us (still?) think true love means monogamy.
Mr. Tan's bf was pretty shady in hiding the new relationship until the 11th hour. I'm not sure finding the new relationship was really the shady part -- I tend to think, realistically, long distance relationships (especially intercontinental) are almost certain to be open relationships, whether or not both partners agree to it in advance. Starting something new was, well, predictable. Hiding it was shady. Unfortunately, men are often cowards about such things (myself included, at times).
For myself, I'm kind of over this crap about "I should be the one and only for my lover." Jealousy, insecurity... waste of time IMO. A pattern of running around with other guys and lying about it is something to get away from. Setting reasonable boundaries and sticking to them names sense to me.
If you have an insatiable appetite to have sex as often and with as many people as possible, fine - that's your call. However, don't ascribe that to other people - don't lump me into your gay stereotype. It's not 'normal' or 'natural' - it's your preference. Whatever way people swing is natural, and not everyone swings the same way. There are plenty of animals that are monogamous, and the vast majority of societies in human history are based on monogamy...there's a reason for that. Am I condemning your lifestyle? No, you can do whatever you want, but don't preach to me about living by other people's rules. As I said before, that so many gay people reflexively reject the very idea of having rules and norms is in itself the root of all the chaos and drama you see in the gay 'community' and sadly, it is one of the roots of homophobia. I can't say that I blame the people who see and hear what goes on and then come to negative conclusions about gay people. It makes sense to me, even though I hate being the recipient of their stereotyping.
I myself was cheated and eventually dumped as well so I strongly agree with you Mr.Tan.
In a sense when someone is in an open relationships - there is no cheating, no lies. To me, eventually it will be followed by psychological burdens, jealousy, etc, talk about being dramatic. Not saying it won't work out, just not for me.
Keeping the distances close is a key.
And, just think of it as giving your old toys away since our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
Let it go, and he is not worth your time to have second thoughts about anymore.
With equality (recognition in law, right to marry etc.) comes investment in society. If only those who claim to be in favour of family values would realize that bringing LGBT people into the fold is the best way to encourage social cohesion. Cast us out, and we'll reject the good (commitment to others, a sense of social responsibility, honesty with our families and friends) with the bad (religious persecution, conformity, self-repression and censorship).
It'll be interesting to see if this situation changes as LGBT individuals slowly gain in social equality.
Chris, I wish you'll move on and put all of this behind. I hope you will find the one who will cherish you no matter what the circumstances might be.
I understand how you were hurt by your boyfriend's breaking up with you the way he did. He showed a great lack of caring and respect. But ask yourself honestly if that was really that uncharacteristic of him. I tend to be one who overlooks red flags when they appear and have often realized, only later, that I should have seen bad behavior coming. As a result, I have adopted the philosophy of Maya Angelou: "The first time someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
I am lucky to have met a remarkable guy right here on Fridae. I don't find it difficult to be faithful to him while we are apart because he is one in a million. He he worth waiting for and, besides, I wouldn't hurt him for all the money in the world -- and certainly not for a quick romp with someone who probably won't remember my name a week later.
And you will find someone like that, too, Chris. Just keep the faith and remember one thing: You can't control the behaviors of others, just your own.
Cheating is a moral issue and has nothing to do with one's sexual proclivities, making this article somewhat superfluous...
i agree about most of what you said.
revenge is sweet..but i rather let it go.
thanks for a good read.
I feel for you, coming from a 6-year relationship which my ex and I tried to save but failed. I've experienced "cheating" and "revenge" in all forms and sizes. One thing certain, people get hurt by these. People get stuck in these but eventually, we all have to move on.
Move on dear! It's time to put on your dancing shoes and feather boa!!
Life continues...
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