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27 Apr 2015

Gay men’s wives tortured, abused in China, says survey

Most Chinese women who unwittingly marry gay men suffer a wide range of abuse from their husbands, including violence and sexual apathy, according to a study believed to be the first of its kind in China.

The report, "Social Adaptation of Women who Marry Gay Men," was led by Tang Kuiyu, a professor from the College of Humanities at Harbin Institute of Technology.
The study surveyed 173 women who have married or divorced gay men and was carried out through the virtual communities, which the wives-most of whom do not know the men are gay until after marriage-have created on social media.
"The research began with an idea from the Ministry of Education in 2012," said Tang. "As far as I know, it is the first such research on the Chinese mainland."
The survey found that more than 90 percent of the respondents had suffered domestic violence, including emotional abuse and physical aggression. Some had suffered serious injuries.
It also found that 40.5 percent of the wives had sex fewer than 10 times a year, and 34.1 percent seldom or never had sex with their husbands. However, only 31.2 percent of them chose to divorce.
Most of the respondents were between 18 and 35 years old, with marriages of 10 years or less.
"The research found that gays' wives at an individual level decide whether to divorce by their emotions, economic situation, children and the difficulties of remarriage for women," said Tang. "In fact, being married to a gay man can cause lots of social problems, such as the spread of AIDS and a bad environment for the children to grow up in."
In China, gay men choose to marry women and have children mainly due to significant pressure from their parents and social traditions. Many Chinese believe continuing a family's bloodline is an inescapable obligation for men.
One respondent told the researcher that she was surprised to find that her husband was gay after they married, and that all his family members already knew the truth.
"After our daughter's birth, my husband no longer has intimate contact with me," said the wife, "but I don't want to divorce because I hope I can give my daughter a complete home. In fact, I hate my husband because he has destroyed my life."
Some wives have made different choices. One respondent chose to divorce after suffering violence several times from her gay husband, even though they had a child.
"I must divorce him even for my child," the respondent told the researcher. She also expressed her disappointment with men and marriage.
Tang said: "It is estimated that there are at least 20 million gay men in China, and 80 percent of them have married. It means there are more than 16 million women married to gay men, which is a special and huge group.
"Gay men's wives suffer more difficulties in their social life. We hope the public can be more understanding and accepting of gays, so that the tragedy of these wives may be reduced."
Liu Dong, a doctoral student with Tang, took part in the research from the beginning.
"Those girls who are unmarried should judge seriously whether they have met a gay boyfriend," Liu said. "I hope the wives can improve their lives through communicating with each other."

The report, "Social Adaptation of Women who Marry Gay Men," was led by Tang Kuiyu, a professor from the College of Humanities at Harbin Institute of Technology.

The study surveyed 173 women who have married or divorced gay men and was carried out through the virtual communities, which the wives-most of whom do not know the men are gay until after marriage-have created on social media.

"The research began with an idea from the Ministry of Education in 2012," said Tang. "As far as I know, it is the first such research on the Chinese mainland."

The survey found that more than 90 percent of the respondents had suffered domestic violence, including emotional abuse and physical aggression. Some had suffered serious injuries.

It also found that 40.5 percent of the wives had sex fewer than 10 times a year, and 34.1 percent seldom or never had sex with their husbands. However, only 31.2 percent of them chose to divorce.

Most of the respondents were between 18 and 35 years old, with marriages of 10 years or less.

"The research found that gays' wives at an individual level decide whether to divorce by their emotions, economic situation, children and the difficulties of remarriage for women," said Tang. "In fact, being married to a gay man can cause lots of social problems, such as the spread of AIDS and a bad environment for the children to grow up in."

In China, gay men choose to marry women and have children mainly due to significant pressure from their parents and social traditions. Many Chinese believe continuing a family's bloodline is an inescapable obligation for men.

One respondent told the researcher that she was surprised to find that her husband was gay after they married, and that all his family members already knew the truth.

"After our daughter's birth, my husband no longer has intimate contact with me," said the wife, "but I don't want to divorce because I hope I can give my daughter a complete home. In fact, I hate my husband because he has destroyed my life."

Some wives have made different choices. One respondent chose to divorce after suffering violence several times from her gay husband, even though they had a child.

"I must divorce him even for my child," the respondent told the researcher. She also expressed her disappointment with men and marriage.
Tang said: "It is estimated that there are at least 20 million gay men in China, and 80 percent of them have married. It means there are more than 16 million women married to gay men, which is a special and huge group.

"Gay men's wives suffer more difficulties in their social life. We hope the public can be more understanding and accepting of gays, so that the tragedy of these wives may be reduced."

Liu Dong, a doctoral student with Tang, took part in the research from the beginning.

"Those girls who are unmarried should judge seriously whether they have met a gay boyfriend," Liu said. "I hope the wives can improve their lives through communicating with each other."

Reader's Comments

1. 2015-04-27 13:34  
Problematic marriage of gay/bisexual men to straight women. So sad for them.
2. 2015-04-28 03:37  
Why continue this illusion in asian cultures.... it rarely works and just causes more problems... time to accept all lifestyles and find happiness.

People need to just live happy lives.
3. 2015-04-29 05:23  
You're learning mmmem. Well done.
4. 2015-04-29 05:26  
This survey seems not to verify the women as being real.
5. 2015-04-29 08:28  
Tragic for all concerned.
6. 2015-04-29 13:57  
Best to keep things in context. Lots of a straight men and women will report violence post divorce.

It's an emotive subject but the details aren't known in this study. It even seems the subjects could be fictional.
Comment #7 was deleted by an administrator on 2015-05-11 04:36
8. 2015-04-30 05:12  
I think marrying a woman when one is gay should be resisted as much as possible, because it will harm both partners and more so the woman, especially if she was unaware. On the other hand, a quote like

"In fact, being married to a gay man can cause lots of social problems, such as the spread of AIDS and a bad environment for the children to grow up in"

suggests strong anti-gay bias in this particular study.
9. 2015-04-30 15:00  
Nah, it's a small study and the above is possible "can". The fact the man is gay is coincidental however.

The whole article/study is flawed as it is likely that the subjects are fictional.

This sites news is a bit dodgy in general. I wish they would only report clear cut homophobia for people to get hateful about.
10. 2015-05-01 14:30  
Why do we get such a report here if the source is dodgy, then?
11. 2015-05-03 21:15  
no idea.

there does seem to be a reactionist editorship though.

it seems that the nepal earthquake lgbt story has been removed due to the "why should lgbt people have their own charity" comments. rightly so.
12. 2015-05-06 05:21  
No idea. Bad reporting I guess
13. 2015-05-09 14:20  
That is one of the first questions I ask a gay man interested in meeting me...Are you married? I also have this debate with Chinese men all the tie about HAVING to marry someone. My argument is this...so, you will marry a woman that you do not love just for the satisfaction of your parents? You will have sex with her, even though it is not pleasing to you, and eventually her? You will have a child that you may or may not want to raise with a woman? And, you are willing to sacrifice your entire life's happiness just to please your parents and fulfill some old tradition that is rapidly dying out? Sadly, most of them say yes.

As for the violence, I think that stems from two things. One factor is that Chinese men in marriages, regardless of their orientation, can be quite abusive tom women. It is part of the culture. And, the second factor is that it has to be very frustrating to live a lie all your life and being unhappy what you can not love as your heart desires. So, they lash out in frustration of their own developments.

As China becomes more and more accepting of LGBT people in society, this will fade away, as many of their old traditions are. And, hopefully, that day will come sooner than later.
14. 2015-05-19 00:19  
I am an American living in Thailand. In the US I knew several Gay men who married women. I was also encouraged to do that. But I felt it was not a good idea. Many of these Gay men find that after they reach their forties or fifties (my opinion only), their Gay side erupts, and they will leave the woman. This is very unfortunate. It is far better to acknowledge yourself and stay away from straight marriage. Gayness is in our genes, and our genes dictate. In my opinion those who do marry women will find, sooner, rather than later, that their Gay side will dominate, and it may create many difficulties for the Gay married man. In America my married Gay friends were both Caucasian and Asian. In Asia it is extremely difficult for the Gay Asian man to resist the demands of his parents and other family members. It is a tragedy in the becoming.
15. 2015-05-21 15:44  
Old traditions die hard. Give them some more time , I am sure these social taboo will slowly fade away.

Parental pressures are very strong. And being the only child makes it even harder to resist. I know of friends who are gay and they plan to eventually get married and have a child and then they think their job is done. Then they will get on with their gay lives.

It's unfortunate but it's happening. On the harder hand , I have seen gay guys who are effeminate and yet they can get a spouse to get married. So I am not sure who is causing the problem here.

I know it's not right to judge but we hope we can eradicate all the pain , agony , frustration and sorrow as we move along.
16. 2015-05-21 15:48  
Give them time.

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