Fridae

In olden days when semi-naked villagers would sacrifice bosomy young maidens in the name of lusty gods residing in volcanoes, being a virgin was something to be proud of.

These days, if you are still a virgin in the gay community when you hit, say, the ripe old age of twenty, you'll find the public announcement of your chaste state greeted with skepticism, shock, derision and then peals of laughter - especially when you have really mean "friends."

Much as it pains me to say this, virginity in the homoverse is both as much a myth (no one believes you when you say it - unless you look like a member of the Osbournes) and a burden (no one wants to have sex with you or worse, everyone thinks there's something wrong with you in the size department).

Long gone are the sepia-tinted days when demure virgins get the knights of their innocent sex-free dreams. While most gay men will not reject someone just because he is a virgin (or at least I hope not), there are reasons why virgins just do not appeal and simply cannot compete with men who have notched up a few conquests on their bedposts.

Firstly, if you happen to be a virgin, you'll find your virginity a bane because gay men are worried that should they give you your first out-of-this-world homo-sex, you'll fall oh-so-hopelessly-in-love with them and develop the ability to cling on to them the way Spiderman sticks to walls.

Secondly, the reverse might happen - they fall heads-over-heels in love with the pristine you only to find that your previous sexual deprivation (those virgin years are tough I know) combined with your new-found thirst for sex education makes you want to cultivate as many sexperiences as possible - with other guys.

Personally, I've have had my share of amorous adventures with gay virgins during my less discerning days. The first gay virgin I deflowered laid on the bed like frozen fish while I tried to work myself up into a sexual frenzy. Needless to say, he was given the unceremonious boot after 15 minutes while I get Mr. Hand reacquainted with Mr. Stiffy in the bathroom.

Another gay virgin tried very hard to overcompensate by coming at yours truly like a runaway truck with his mouth opening and closing like an out-of-water goldfish and his excited member swinging like a stick at a pi�ata - even before our clothes hit the floor. As a staunch believer and practitioner in the art of warming-up before the act, those are definite bedroom no-nos.

Having said that, if you happen to be a fresh-into-the-gay-world virgin looking for love (or sex), what should you do and not do during your first sexual encounter (besides practicing safe sex)?

Well, you have two choices really: you can be totally honest and come clean about being a virgin or you can lie and pretend to be a sexually experienced homo. If you decide on the former, there can be two outcomes: you risk turning your more sexually experienced partner off since he'll probably end up "coaching" you throughout or if you're lucky, he would feel really honoured with the fact that you've been "saving" yourself for someone as special as him (all together now: roll eyes!).

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If you decide on the latter as a course of action, as most gay virgins would, there is a high possibility that you may end up embarrassed and your charade exposed. Telltale signs of virgins-masquerading-as-sex-gurus include ripping the condom in half when you open the wrapper with your teeth, poking your partner in the eye with your elbow, or mistaking the tube of face/ hand/ antiseptic cream for the bedside lube.

Even if your sex partner fails to see through your lies, your "ineptitude" may earn you the title of a "bad lover" and the repercussions are far, far worse. In fact, the gay grapevine is such that you may never be able to experience another tumble in the sack again without subjecting yourself to an appearance on Extreme Makeover.

Fortunately, things are not as bad as they appear to be.

To successfully camouflage your sexual inexperience and emerge as a competent sex practitioner, you need to first loosen your inhibitions about gay sex - skip this if you're a natural born slut (in which case you won't remain a virgin for long). A drink or two, and some meditative exercise prior to the sexual act may prove to be very useful in helping you to relax.

Once you are suitably relaxed, you can proceed with sexual foreplay, which includes deep sensual kissing, running your fingers/ tongue/ toes along his back, giving him a full body massage (focus on the inner thighs dearies!), or engaging in a game of naked Twister.

To all soon-to-be-deflowered virgins, I would not advise going "all the way" and "opening" yourselves to the act of anal penetration (although the final choice remains yours). Instead, I would suggest drawing the line at giving a good hand job or a mind-reeling blowjob.

For a good hand job, I swear by the "Up, Twist, Over and Down Technique." Begin by wrapping your hand around the lower part of the pecker. Then you glide your hand up to the tip of the penis. As you reach the top, twist your hand as you go over the tip and then, in one smooth motion, slide back down again. Once you are back at "base," you can repeat the process all over again. For added pleasure, you can choose to moisturize your palm (so high class!), use a lubricant (so middle class!) or use your saliva (so low class!).

For a bring-you-to-your-knees blowjob, you would just have to bite your lips and wait for my upcoming article on the topic (What were you thinking? That I would divulge all my sexual tricks in a single article?).

In the meanwhile, always remember: practice makes perfect! And if you require someone to practice on and thus relieve you of your virgin status, do remember that yours truly is always available to assist - provided you resemble gorgeous Korean movie actors the likes of Won Bin and Kwon Sang-woo (My Tutor Friend).