Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I have been dating this guy for about two months before we went steady and progressed to the bedroom. It was only then that I discover, to my horror, that his pubic area was a virtual forest! I could barely find his penis and even though I told him he should shave, he refused. How do I get him to shave his pubic area or at least trim it without offending him?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

If I were in your shoes, I would don my Lady Croft getup, unsheathe my parang and start hacking away at your partner's over abundant pubic follicles. However, the sight of a parang-wielding transvestite in the bedroom may just be a tad too much for most gay men - especially if the both of you have just been dating for two months.

For a less extreme method, you may wish to set an example by keeping your own pubic area immaculately groomed and well trimmed. Then when your partner is giving you head, you can drop unsubtle hints such as "How do you like it? I just had a pubic trim and that just enhances the joy of giving blowjobs no? Get it?"

If hints don't work, you can consider incorporating pubic trimming or shaving as foreplay. Let your partner trim your bush while you stand totally naked in the bathroom. When he's done, you do the same to him. In this way, you'll achieve what you set out to do and more importantly, you'll get to enjoy a sizzling session of shower sex.

A note of warning: when trimming or shaving pubic regions, always refrain from engraving your initials or indulging in Edward Scissorhands-type creations. Trust me, you really don't want your current (or future) partner to suffer a heart attack or fall into fits of laughter whenever you pull down your CKs.

However, if your partner remains adamant about trimming or shaving, you could threaten him by withholding oral sex and telling him that swallowing hairballs will spell an early end to your deep-throating career. Or you could simply tell him the truth: that his overgrown pubic bush is making it hard for you to find his penis without a microscope.

Your Gay Gardener,
Alvin Tan

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Hi Alvin,

What are your thoughts on love? I've recently met a fantastic guy. I slowly fell so much for him and finally confessed to him, though I know he's already seeing someone. Of course, he rejected me. As far as I know, he feels for me. I also know that he's keeping his relationship because he doesn't want to hurt his boy - he's been hurt before (i.e. dumped for another guy). I know the timing is not right so I am willing to wait for him.

However, it has been six months now, and it worries me now that he's taking this guy seriously. His best friend told me he's never seen him so much in love before. I've never felt for much for a guy before. I want to be with him. Even for a single microsecond. At least then I know I've tried and whether he is my real love or not. I just don't want to throw this feeling out of the window since I don't easily fall so much for a guy. How silly do you think I am?

Many said I should move on. And I tried. The last guy lasted for just three months. I thought love can be nurtured. But it can't. And I'm just lying to myself. A few of my friends think I'm an endangered species. What do you think?

Love Fool

Dear Love Fool (how apt!),

What do I think? Firstly, you should cherish your friends. They are far too kind. Secondly, you are not an endangered species. You are an extinct species! Why, you are just like the Mauritian Dodo! How else could anyone account for your "foolish" actions?

To recap: You fall for someone who's spoken for and persisted in your homo-wrecker role even after he rejected you. You then "claim" that he's holding on to his existing relationship because he doesn't want to hurt his boyfriend (wake up and smell the coffee!) And you still refuse to give up even after his best friend told you that "he's never been seen him so much in love before."

Many of the emails I've received for this column fall into the categories of "Why can't I find myself my ideal husband/wife/fuck buddy?" or "Why doesn't the guy/gal/pet I fancy reciprocate my feelings?" or "What is Alvin Tan's secret to looking fabulous?" (ok, ok, I made the last one up).

My answer to all these emails (including yours) would always be: stop pining away for what you can't have - especially after you've tried and failed, stop making your life miserable by dwelling on what could never be and start living your life. I know this my advice may sound unduly harsh but someone (that's me) has to snap you out of your silly stupor.

For the sake of your future happiness, I would further advise you not to make unfair comparisons between this "fantastic guy" and any other guy you're dating, but rather get to know your dates for who they truly are. In real life, many gay men never did succeed in finding their "real love" and if it's any consolation, at least you're still in the homo-dating pool.

An Exotic Species Himself,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I've been seeing this bisexual girl for a year. Initially, I didn't have to courage to tell her that I like her until I found out that she liked a butch before but it was only a crush. We went out for a couple of dates despite her being attached to her boyfriend. On our dates, I held her hands, hugged her and kissed her.

Before I left Singapore for Australia due to work, I expressed my feelings for her. She told me that she is attached and therefore it's impossible. Two weeks after I left, she called me to tell me that her boyfriend cheated on her and they broke off.

We still keep in contact and I call her frequently to chat. I asked if she wants to be my partner but she declined since she would rather be my friend. I accepted the answer and thought that she probably needs more time to heal.

When I went back home for a holiday, she expressed her excitement that I was coming back. We went out on dates again where I held her hands, kissed her etc. To me, we are already like a couple. Are we just friends? Do you think that I will win her heart?

Because I think I fell in love with her.

Truly Madly Deeply

Dear Truly and Deeply Mad,

As the Bard himself would say: "The course of true love never did run smooth," but in your case, it's literally littered with landmines. Now then, kindly stand aside and allow yours truly to defuse those relationship landmines before they blow up in your face.

Landmine Number 1: The bad news is that your bisexual "girlfriend" is merely treating you as a "spare tyre." That is, until someone she really fancies (be it another guy or butch) comes along and you find yourself on the receiving end of her "We're such good friends and I would hate to ruin that" line yet again.

Landmine Number 2: The worse news is that you're suffering from severe "wishful thinking" syndrome. You're reading too much into your bisexual "girlfriend's" actions and projecting your inner desires onto what she does (or does not) do or say. Have you forgotten that she said that she would rather be your friend than lover not once but twice?

Landmine Number 3: Now the good news is you're not totally at fault. Your bisexual "girlfriend" is responsible for leading you on - to a certain extent. Despite the fact that she was attached to a guy, she still went on dates with you where you two adulterers engaged in tongue-hockey.

Having defused your relationship landmines, perhaps a more pertinent question you should be asking would be: Is she the right person for you? You sound like a lovely (though lovelorn) lesbian while she sounds like someone who's taking advantage of you knowing full well how you feel about her.

For any relationship to work, it has to be reciprocal. In this case, you regard her as a potential partner while she regards you as the lesbian equivalent of a fuck-buddy or date-on-standby. So the answers to your questions would be: "Yes," you're just friends - at least to your bisexual "girlfriend" and "No," I don't think you will win her heart.

Your Personal Bomb Squad,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.