Fridae

On my way back to San Francisco this June, I stopped over for a few days in Taipei to visit old friends, whose 14-year-old is also my goddaughter. I came out to myself in Taiwan 14 years ago, and a few months later, also came out to these same friends. One of the biggest perks of coming out to all your friends and family is that they often end up asking you to be the godfather of their children. Now, I have godchildren in Singapore, Taiwan and Australia. When I was struggling to come out to myself and the world 14 years ago, churning through my mind were all the pros and cons of doing so. Then I had not the slightest inkling that god-fatherhood could weigh in as a pro-factor. The horrors and stigma of being a "homo" simply drowned out any chance of a balanced assessment of the situation. Just goes to show, life never plays out the way you fear or predict, and you're much better off taking leaps than cowering in the corner, but I digress.

I had watched my goddaughter grow up since she was born and over the years when I returned to Taiwan for visits. On this trip, she had just received the results of her junior high school exams. She did so well that she easily qualified for the best school: Taipei First Girl's High School (北一女). But she said she wanted to go to the second best school instead. Her father promised her that if she chose First Girl's High, he would buy her an iPod, a notebook computer and a mobile phone. Still, she hesitated. As we were driving in the car discussing this, she said: "I don't want to go First Girl's High because that school is famous for producing lesbians. They look like men. It is so disgusting. I don't want to become like that."

Her mother replied: "That is just how they are like, girl. There is no need to feel disgusted. Even if you were to become like that one day, we will still love you just as much." I chimed in: "There is nothing to be afraid of. You are either a lesbian or you are not. You won't become a lesbian just by being near one."

Notice what is happening here: the mother was focused on making sure her daughter knows she is loved no matter what. I was focused on making sure her fear would not get in her way to choosing the best school. No points for spotting who is the kiasu Singaporean.

(Editor's note: Used in Singapore and Malaysia typically in pejorative sense, the word kiasu is derived from the Hokkien dialect meaning afraid to lose out to others.)

But seriously, I have no worries about my goddaughter. Whatever half-formed prejudices she has picked up from her peers and from society will dissipate as she grows up. She is simply surrounded by too much love and understanding.

Talking about it in the open, meeting fear and prejudice with love and understanding: this is what Pride is all about.

Given this perspective, you'll see that gay pride parades are coming out rituals, enacting with colorful theatrics one day per year in the streets what happens without fanfare everyday in cars and on diner tables.

Coming out is more than telling the world the truth about who we are with dignity, humility and sometimes with a touch of panache. It is also a process of reconnecting with society as full-fledged members, equal in every ways.

Some people might say that there is a Western and an Asian way to come out. The Western way is about asserting one's individuality and rights. The Asian way is about claiming one's place in the family and society. I feel this might be a little too simplified and unnecessarily dichotomous. More accurately, there are more individualistic ways or more group-oriented ways to come out; and it is not a one-time event but a life-long process. All coming out processes will eventually involve both aspects of reclaiming our individual dignity and reconnecting with family and society. The difference is not Asian or Western but the degree to which each aspect is present at any given time.

After I came out to my friends and families, my relationship with them fundamentally changed because I now relate to them as who I really am, there is no more need to pretend or evade anything. The tremendous trust and openness that results made the relationship more real and much stronger. Better still, our relationship also remained essentially the same because the revelation was just another thing that they had learned about me, just like how I learned about their marriage problems, or extra-marital temptations. We keep our relationship strong by continuously coming out, continuously telling each other the truth about ourselves.

All of us, gay and straight, are coming out all the time. Each time I came out and tell the truth about myself, I renew the bonds of trust and love with my friends and (most of) my family.

Why then is coming out so threatening? Why do repressive states such as the one in Russia arrest and suppress gay pride parade? I suspect it is because acts of love and courage always call into question the legitimacy of repression. Coming out about same-sex love in the time of homophobia is like coming out about the love for peace in the time of war. We all know that the easiest way for politicians to gain power is by promising to protect society against itself. And society obliges by giving them power to repress one segment for the 'benefits' of another. Some citizens are labeled sexual deviants while others are labeled unpatriotic traitors. Some governments 'protect' moral values while others 'protect' lives. And we all end up the losers because the things these governments claim they protect are the very thing they trample over.

This needs to be said over and over again because it is often lost. Gay pride is about much more than who fucks who. It is about showing the world how to regain trust and empathy for each other. This is a vital task because when there is no trust and love, fear and hatred will swoop in to fill the vacuum. A society beset by fears and prejudices will support repressive laws in the mistaken belief that these laws will protect them and their children. But examine countries with homophobic laws in their statues and you will sadly notice that they also have many other laws that repress everyone else.

As we celebrate pride, whether by marching, partying or even if just vicariously, let's remember that we are all in this together, gay and straight, men and women, liberal and conservative. And if you still deciding whether or not to come out, don't forget to add god-fatherhood to your pros list.

Dr Tan Chong Kee holds a Ph.D. in Chinese Literature from Stanford University in the United States and is one of Singapore's best-known figures in civil society activism.