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28 Oct 2010

Wu Youjian, activist and mother of gay son: Accept and love your children as they are

"What upsets me the most is when parents say that they think their children should sacrifice and change their sexual orientation to save the 'face' of the family," Wu Youjian's message to parents of gay children.

Wu Youjian, a 63-year-old mother of a gay son and the founder of Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) China, has advice to parents of gay children: “Having a gay child is not a bad thing; having a gay child not an ugly thing; having a gay child not wrong; and having a gay child really is nothing if you treat it that way.”

Wu Youjian and her son Zheng Yuantao. Top of page, Wu's story was featured in the Chinese edition of Elle magazine in July 2010.

The Guangzhou native was a guest speaker at a forum organised as part of the second annual Shanghai Pride festival on Saturday.

“What upsets me the most is when parents say that they think their children should sacrifice and change their sexual orientation to save the 'face' of the family,” Wu was quoted as saying in an interview on CNNGo Shanghai. “I ask them, 'Is your face more important than your child's happiness?'”

The article noted: "For many parents in China today, the answer is still, 'yes.' This is one of the reasons Wu decided to attend ShanghaiPRIDE."

Wu's son Zheng Yuantao is said to be the first gay man to come out on Chinese television in 2004.

In a 2008 interview with Fridae, Wu said that after her son came out to her 11 years ago, instead of crying or disowning him, she taught herself how to use a computer, got herself a Sina blog, and put their story online in the hope she could help other gay and lesbian children come out to their parents. In just six months her site had clocked up 100,000 hits and she had earned the affection of hundreds of gays and lesbians who now call her Wu mama (mother).

Excerpt from the CNNGo interview:

Saving face vs. saving family 

In an interview after her talk at ShanghaiPRIDE, Wu points out that social pressure is the biggest obstacle between Chinese parents and acceptance of their gay children. 

“They are afraid to talk about it with anyone, causing them a lot of pain,” says Wu. “That's all because they haven't thought it through.” 

Wu says some parents take comfort and hope in her story, while others respond to her words -- and their children -- with stubborn resentment. 

“What upsets me the most is when parents say that they think their children should sacrifice and change their sexual orientation to save the 'face' of the family,” says Wu. “I ask them, 'Is your face more important than your child's happiness?'” 

Wu says she has four pieces of advice for all Chinese parents: 

“Having a gay child is not a bad thing; having a gay child not an ugly thing; having a gay child not wrong; and having a gay child really is nothing if you treat it that way.” 

“With the change in attitude of the mainstream media and more knowledge about homosexuality, parents can learn to look at things from different perspectives and accept their children,” Wu continues. 

“I encourage the children to live their lives open in the sun and be their true selves,” she says.

China

Reader's Comments

1. 2010-10-28 19:58  
Well it's hardly prevalent in Chinese culture, just more particularly emphasised.

This "face" crap has irked me since growing up when it's everywhere in the culture and community.
2. 2010-10-28 20:29  
You go Mama Wu!! We need more Mamas like her and many more Papas like her too! Having a pair of supportive and loving parents is extremely important. I can vouch for that (at 46) as I have that. There is a reason why I never have to run and hide. Or leave town to find underground lifestyles elsewhere. There is a reason no matter how much others deem who or what I am "unnatural" means totally nothing to me. Self-empowerment comes much later in life. But no one can ever be-litter your hard earn integrity of truly knowing who you are is beautiful. Especially when the foundation is pure and wholesome. All because of an unconditional acceptance and respect you get at home—my parents!
Comment #3 was deleted by its author on 2010-10-28 20:48
4. 2010-10-28 20:40  
This is a very moving message! :)
5. 2010-10-28 22:03  
aaaw!! keep it going mama wu :) we need more like you x!!
6. 2010-10-28 22:16  
so happy for him to have such an amazing mom...............May GOD bless them all.........
Comment #7 was deleted by its author on 2010-10-28 22:17
8. 2010-10-28 22:34  
She's a sweetie! :)
9. 2010-10-28 22:40  
this guy in the pic is a good friend of mine. lol amazing to see his pic here.
10. 2010-10-28 22:46  
so sweet
11. 2010-10-28 23:21  
Acceptance is the key for any gay person. We are no different for anybody else except different choice of sexual orientation! If our parents do not accept us, how do we expect the public?!! This is the painful experience of living isolated, ignored or even in fears as many of us gone through...

I am so glad to see Wu Mama stands up and expresses her heart feeling... Deep Thanks Wu Mama from the bottom of heart.
Comment #12 was deleted by its author on 2010-10-29 00:33
13. 2010-10-29 00:41  
5 months ago, me my dad and my mom watched a documentary on the Tomboy & Lesbian issues in Malaysian society.

My mom comments sounded more like this:

"What on earth is happening. A woman should be with a man. There is no point this girl is even born to the world in the first place. It is just a waste"

My dad did not come up with any negative respond as far as I can recall.

He simply told my mom that there is another form of same sex relationship which is the male-to-male relationship and they call this nature as 'Homosexual" or simply 'Gay'.

My mom replied: 'Oh I see'.

But, it seems like mom was just being updated.

Anyway, I don't blame her.

People are just different in term of acceptance to a not-so-normal stuff, yet still natural.

Well, to some extent , I believe that a mother's instinct to her children is so strong that she might be able to sense something different/not right to her children.

And in my case, yeah, probably knows I am 'unique' since long time ago. Why? .. Koz I happen to left some clues behind, (I guess so).

What about the rest?
14. 2010-10-29 02:17  
This is a fascinating story. Miss Wu is an amazing woman despite the cultural prevalence in Chinese community...I respect she stand and she is proud of her son...My mum can never accept the way I am....but she is a Saint to me...She made sacrifices for me too...

But I just don't get my dad....A priest once embarrassed me in a church sermon when he spoke about homosexuality and living in eternal damnation in Hell...He called me a 'Satan'...I walked out of the church immediately...my dad sat there are did nothing...It hurts...but I have accept the fact that this will go on and on forever...and I should stay strong...Sadly, no everyone out there think like me....God loves everyone...
15. 2010-10-29 02:55  
A bone fide gay icon is born.
Well done Mother Wu.
God Bless You and your son! :)
16. 2010-10-29 04:38  
Gong xi, gong xi, Wu mama! Jia you!
17. 2010-10-29 04:40  
恭喜,恭喜, 吴 妈妈!加油!
18. 2010-10-29 05:23  
I love my Mum..My mum loves me.........
19. 2010-10-29 05:23  
I love my Mum..My mum loves me.........
20. 2010-10-29 05:33  
Congratulations Wu mama, Wonderful to see a mother taking action and standing up for her child and their basic human rights. Heart touching stuff! Keep up the good work...
21. 2010-10-29 07:43  
Two thumbs up for Mama Wu!
The world need more moms
Just like you!
22. 2010-10-29 08:26  
Moms are the only gay advocates with any credibility these days, love her pearls, classy and articulate
23. 2010-10-29 09:57  
I salute you Madam :) Your story should set an example to all mothers there to accept whatever and whoever their kid/s may be. Gay, Lesbi, ugly, mentally or physically challenged, etc.. without reservation and conditions. I love the fact that these things start to happen on a very tight knit cultures. God Bless Mama Wu..
Comment #24 was deleted by its author on 2010-10-29 10:57
25. 2010-10-29 10:57  
"What upsets me the most is when parents say that they think their children should sacrifice and change their sexual orientation to save the 'face' of the family," Wu Youjian's message to parents of gay children.


DUDE YOU SAID THIS THREE TIMES, WE GET IT!!
26. 2010-10-29 11:00  
All Gay must put in our best efforts. Be First Class Global Citizen.

Some families wanted to save face in the expense of their children.

Gays are here to save the way, the truth and the life.
27. 2010-10-29 22:45  
..it was indeed so hard to to be accepted in this society but to be accepted in the basic unit of the society which is FAMILY is indeed a larger that life kind of thing.
Gays are here to love,to be loved and be lovable.
..I'm a bit lucky that I was easily accepted in the family.(But my mom reminded me "no make-up please hahah) So, I hope with the advocacy of Mama Wu will be spread like a wild fire in the forest.Go Mama Wu,go for gay child acceptance in the family..
28. 2010-10-30 09:00  
Some 20 odd years ago at the Gay Pride in Paris i gathered a group of friends and we marched with this banner:

"parents, you say you love your children ? Good ! if it's true then HELP THEM TO BE WHAT THEY ARE"

My point is that parents should not only ACCEPT (or worse : tolerate) their children's sexuality, they should actually help him/her deal with it, especially if it happens to be against the main stream.

Wherever in the world, of course, we are a loooong way from there...
This lovely Chinese lady is exactly the kind of parent I was trying to conjure up. Thanks and long life to her, her group and her cause.
29. 2010-10-30 14:11  
there are still many cases that mothers support gay sons, daughters. yet not to the level as Mdm Wu does, publicize it.
Be a gay, i give my best regard to those parents supportive to their children.
30. 2010-10-30 15:33  
what a nice lady. any good parent should accept their gay kids it's the right thing to do, but only so long as they doesn't make meals of their lovers like Jeffery Dharmer used to do
Comment edited on 2010-10-30 15:34:07
31. 2010-10-31 18:20  
wu mama jia you luo!
32. 2010-11-01 13:20  
Madam Wu, you are the best mom gay sons could ever wanted, God Bless you.
33. 2010-11-01 13:20  
Madam Wu, you are the best mom gay sons could ever wanted, God Bless you.
34. 2010-11-04 01:29  
Is this website brave enough to lead the world forward to champion and release by every country, politcians, leaders, statesman, industry and celebrities (the latter, if we have to read about them again) and make the global community realise that being "gay" is not a choice. There are many fine people in the world and private lives are not a tabloid or boardroom issue. Thank You
35. 2010-11-06 01:00  
HAPPY TO FIND MOM LIKE HER
36. 2010-11-06 17:26  
I did not have any idea of her untill read your news and links ,and to your surprise Im living at Guangzhou for years ,though.What Wu is very so remarkable to me is that, not only does she accept her gay son,but is brave enough to support a gay consciousness movement to them,and what's more ,does at a city where a traditional view of gay is still strongly hold.They either ignor or harass us in a subtle way.In a word we need more Mom Wu's.
37. 2010-11-24 16:32  
Dear Mama Wu ( I hope i may call and address you this way),
After reading the news about you, I had tears of both happiness and sorrow. Happiness because you are the perfect mother I wish all gays worldwide should have. Sorrow because my mother passed away 4 years ago at the age of 74. She had exactly the same way of thinking as you have. When I turned 16, it was my mother who did my outcoming. Although I was brought up in a liberal western society (Philippines, then USA, and now Germany), I was hesitant to open myself to my parents that time, especially because I have 5 sisters and no brother at all. But it was my mother who started the conversation and simply said: "My dear son, do not fear anything. I know you are gay and you should know that I love you much more because you are MY SON, attached to my womb for 9 months, from my own flesh and blood. You should know that whatever your preference in life is, I will always stand by you and love you as long as I live" . These were her touching words.
I am so proud of having had my mother, God bless her soul, and wish the same luck for all gays or lesbians worldwide.
Dear Mama Wu, I wish you deep from my heart a long, healthy and happy life. You are an "Angel" in disguise :-)



38. 2010-12-02 05:20  
The evil of selfishness rears it's ugly face in the "face" issue, once again. While the world "practices" religions that uniformly point out selfishness as impure, application is largely unmet.

The approach of, "it's all about me" murders the purest state of love.

When there is acceptance that our creator created us as we are meant to be, love will be the only response.
Comment #39 was deleted by its author on 2010-12-19 08:09
Comment #40 was deleted by its author on 2010-12-19 08:13
41. 2010-12-19 08:14  
A rare gem of a lady in this materialist, "everything-for-myself" world as DeigoBro above says. Her words...amazing! :'')

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