Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I had an interesting shock just last weekend when I brought my trick back home after I picked him up from a gay club along Tanjong Pagar. He's quite lean and toned but - my god! - his erected cock is extremely thick (and I mean elephant-thick) and slanted to a weird angle.

I have never seen a cock like his and would like to know, based on your experience, what is usual angle of an erection (mine points straight horizontally) and what is the average thickness of a cock? And how do you accurately measure them?

Still Recovering From Shock

Dear Easily Shocked,

I will let your innuendo that I'm a loose woman with a jaw-dropping list of conquests slide just this once and focus instead on addressing your queries (I am nothing if not magnanimous!).

Erection Angle
Some gay men stiffen up to resemble a vertical flagpole, some hardened to recreate the leaning Tower of Pisa, some get all crooked like a winding road and some appear as if they have a dead Anaconda hanging lifelessly between their legs. So the answer to your question is: there is no usual "angle of the dangle."

Cock Width
Again there is no standard answer to this. Some gay men are blessed/cursed with girths the size of beer cans while others are (definitely) cursed with penises that can be inserted into drinking straws. However, according to a scientific study conducted in the United States, the average girth is around 4.8 inches.

Measurement Techniques
With regards to measuring the angle of your erection, you should stand with your back against the wall and observe the direction of your hard-on. If it points directly in front of you, you have an erection angle of 90 degrees. If it points upwards to the ceiling, you have an erection angle of 180 degrees. For anything else that falls in between or out of this range, you may wish to use a protractor for greater accuracy. (For your information: mine always point towards an eager mouth or arse).

With regards to measuring the girth of your erection, you should use a tape measure. Place the edge of the tape right under the glans and proceed to wrap the tape around your erection. Do not cheat by pretending to "misread" the measurements or adding one or two extra inches.

For a less methodical - but far more pleasurable - technique, you may wish to consider using your partner's mouth. In other words, if your partner has a mouth like Julia Roberts' and you are able to fill it up completely, then you're thick as a tree. Conversely, if your partner has a mouth like a canary's beak and you are STILL able to fit into that perfectly, then good luck finding consensual sex partners.

Your Certified Cocksmaster,
Alvin Tan

Hi Alvin,

I've recently started dating a guy. He's a slightly the above average Joe type and very understanding. However, he has a hang up about sexual intercourse with another guy. He claims he would not go "all the way" unless the person he's fooling around with is his partner. And when I say "all the way" I don't mean just anal penetration! The past couple of times we kissed and petted, he refused to progress further even when we both were spotting throbbing erections! My questions are firstly, how can I get this guy to "go all the way" with me and secondly, why do my testicles feel sore after our "make-out" sessions and how should I treat it? Please advise.

Unsatisfied Customer

Poor Unsatisfied Customer,

There are a number of possible answers to your first question. Firstly, withhold all forms of sex (including foreplay) until he consents to "going all the way" - after all absence does make the cock grows fonder. Secondly, spike his drink with industrial strength Spanish Fly, then just open wide and prepare to reap the fruits of your labour. Finally, seek psychiatric help for your date - he is either trapped in a time-warp circa 1950s when "going all the way" before marriage is considered a sin or he has some unresolved issues about ejaculations - possibly stemming from childhood indoctrination of how ejaculations can lead to blindness or mental retardation.

As for your second question, there is only one answer. Your testicles feel sore after your "make-out" sessions because of "prostatic congestion" - a condition caused by a build-up of semen in the prostate and seminal vesicles. The build up of sperm (which your inconsiderate date refuses to help release) results in your sperm being trapped and creates pressure around the testicles. This in turn leads to soreness of the testicles or what is commonly known as "blue balls." Fortunately, the cure for "blue balls" is simple: just make sure you ejaculate - with or without your date's assistance.

Never Had An Unsatisfied Customer,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I'm a good-looking twenty something gay man and I work out regularly at the gym. I have no problems getting men to go to bed with me and I enjoy the attention I get from them. However, I am bothered by a particular aspect of my sexual performance. Whenever I climax, my semen would just drip off my penis in slow spurts. Yet I've noticed that some of the guys I've slept with can actually shoot their loads off with great force and over incredible distances. Because of my inadequacy, I find myself unable to fully enjoy my sex sessions. What can I do to shoot my semen further?

Short Distance Runner

Dear Short Distance Runner,

I never believe any gay man's claim that they are good looking unless they email me a jpeg file of their topless selves for verification (so now you know what to do). Having said that, there are "methods" you could adopt to increase your "shooting range."


The first method is to stop having too much sex. The rationale is simple, the more you save, the more pressure you'll build up and the harder you'll blow your wad. (Note: you may wish to do a cost-benefit analysis and weigh the pros and cons between reducing the pleasure of frequent climaxes with increasing the distance with which you can deposit your sperm).

The second method involves exercising and strengthening the muscles at the base of your penis known as the pubococcyeous muscles. These are the muscles that allow you to halt your golden showers midstream. Begin by contracting and relaxing these muscles in a series of sets: hold them tight for 10 seconds and then let go. Repeat by varying the contraction period and after a few months (yes months), you should be able to spray semen like water from a fireman's hose.

If the above two methods don't work, I suggest you may start cultivating self-acceptance and accept your "leaky faucet" for what it is. Look on the bright side - at least you don't have to worry about stray sprays soiling your Armani sheets.

A Long Distance Runner Myself,
Alvin Tan


Hey Alvin,

Is it true what they say about the correlation between the size of a man's penis and the size of his nose?

Curious

Hey Curious,

No, it's not true what they say about the correlation between the size of a man's penis and the size of his nose.

However, it's true what they say about the correlation between the level of a reader's IQ and the type of questions he or she asks.

Politeness Personified,
Alvin Tan

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