Fridae

To read the first part of this article, please click on the link provided on page 2.

Getting Closer
You have issues of abandonment (fear losing someone). A bad choice is to date someone who:

a. lives in a different state
b. also has issues of abandonment
c. tends to be critical
d. is just coming out of another relationship

Anyone who is not fully available will trigger your feelings of abandonment. A man who lives in a different state or one who is just coming out of a relationship will not likely provide you the consistency you need to feel secure, however attractive he may be otherwise. A partner who tends to be critical will also undermine your sense of stability. A man who has similar issues of abandonment will be better able to be sensitive to your needs. You do not need a partner with the same issues, but someone who likes you enough and is ready to stay connected.

When dating someone you think might have potential, how soon, according to the experts, should you have sex?

a. On the first date, if it feels right
b. Wait at least until the third date
c. A minimum of six dates
d. They don't know

Experts don't always agree on these matters of judgment. I certainly know couples who jumped into bed on the first date and are still together. More often I hear stories from men who sleep with someone on the first or second date and are disappointed not to hear from the date again. The "instant intimacy" of quick sex can lead to a desire to avoid what felt, only in retrospect, like "too much too soon." When you like each other and are both powerfully attracted, it can be difficult, but it is generally better to have three to six dates before sex. By then you can feel some genuine connection when you do have sex. If the sex fizzles on the first try, you may even be able to laugh about it.

How long should a couple wait before moving in together?

a. At least a year
b. Whenever they feel comfortable
c. After they have spent at least a week together full-time
d. After six months of serious dating

You know the old joke "What do lesbians bring on their second date? A U-haul it." Gay men are more likely to take their time about moving in. I have seen happy gay couples who still have separate apartments after ten years. Some people move in too quickly for reasons which are not solid: needing a new place after a lease runs out, financial pressures, fear of losing their partner or intense infatuation. The best reason to move in is that you know your partner very well after experiencing him/her in a wide range of situations. A gradual increase in the time spent together (full weekends, frequent weeknights, weeks away) allows you to move past your fantasy of your partner to the mixed-bag reality of who he/she is. As a rule of thumb, a minimum time of six months to a year allows for that, but you may not have a deep knowledge of your partner for two years or more.

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What is a main difference between men and women?

a. Men are not programmed to be monogamous
b. Women find it easier to handle their partners having an affair
c. Men are more easily overwhelmed by stress during conflict
d. Men are more aroused than women by sight

I know and work with many gay male couples who are monogamous, although I am surprised by how many single gay men do not know a monogamous couple they can look to as a role model. There is no evidence that women find it easier to tolerate an affair. Men are more easily aroused by sight than women and perhaps are more likely to understand the urge for their partner to have sex with others. One of the fascinating findings of recent research is that men are more easily overwhelmed by stress than women, during conflict. Physiological measures show that men's autonomic nervous systems generate higher distress reactions in conflict and take longer than women's to calm down afterward. This is probably why many straight men's least favorite line is "let's talk about our relationship." In a gay male relationship, there is the potential for both men to be so overwhelmed by stress during disagreements that they avoid discussing problems (we call that "stonewalling"). My theory is that a gay couple often contain one man who is more like a woman in his preference for "talking" and his ability to handle conflict while the partner is more traditionally masculine in his higher degree of arousal and avoidance. (The same may be true of lesbian couples.) It would be interesting to do a study comparing lesbian and gay male couples and how they deal with conflict.

Making it Work
What is the single best predictor of whether or not a couple will stay together?

a. Shared values
b. How frequently they fight
c. The ratio of appreciation to criticism
d. Listening skills

Dr. John Gottman and his research group in Seattle, Washington have studied more than seven hundred couples over the past 25 years. Couples stay in their "love labs" where they are videotaped for days at a time. Dr. Gottman's group bases their research findings on analysis of the couple's actual interactions. The have discovered what behaviors make the difference between couples who stay together and those who part ways. One of the surprises was that the amount of fighting did not make a difference in predicting who stayed together. Shared values and good listening skills obviously contribute to good relationships, but the single best predictor was the ratio of appreciations to criticisms that a couple exchanges. A couple that expresses five times more appreciations ("you look sexy today", "you are so much fun to be with") than criticisms ("you are so cold to me") is most likely to stay together. Creating a positive emotional bank account seems to be the best underlying basis for weathering fights and stresses.

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Research has shown that couples are happiest when they:

a. Are rigorous about telling each other the truth
b. Avoid saying every angry thought when talking about touchy subjects
c. Don't end a fight until it is resolved
d. Never fight at all

Research has shown that happy, successful couples have many different styles. Some fight frequently while others bury most of their differences under the rug. Mental health professionals used to think that couples who fought frequently were the ones most likely to break up, but this has not proven to be true. For couples who fight, sometimes it's helpful to take time out and let things calm down. Some fights take days, weeks, or even years to resolve. Truth telling is not always associated with happiness. Couples who are able to avoid saying every angry thought when talking about difficult subjects have been shown to be the happiest. By holding back some of their most incendiary comments, they contribute to a generally positive climate in the relationship.

What is one of the main signs that your relationship is deteriorating?

a. Partners express contempt and defensiveness
b. The couple fights frequently
c. One partner feels easily overwhelmed when they get into a serious discussion
d. Both begin telling white lies

Gay couples may fight frequently, they may tell little white lies, and they may feel overwhelmed at times during discussions, but the key sign of a deteriorating relationship is the expression of contempt and defensiveness.

Gottman has identified what he calls the "Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse," the four aspects of a sure-fire pattern for ruining a relationship. When a couple expresses frequent Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness (blaming rather than expressing your role in the problem), and Stonewalling (refusing to talk), they are on a guaranteed road to eventual break-up. These "Four Horsemen" ruin the positive atmosphere, which is essential for allowing a relationship to survive the stresses of being together in a world that is not supportive of gay relationships.

Successful, happy couples are good at:

a. Planning special vacation time together
b. Balancing their work and home lives
c. Exiting an argument before it gets out of hand
d. Communicating their needs to each other

I have worked in therapy with many gay couples where both men have very demanding careers. One of the dangers for a "power couple" is that they focus so much on career advancement that they begin to lead parallel lives. They don't plan enough special dates and vacation times with each other. The busier a couple is, the more important it is for each man to learn simple and effective ways to express their needs and fears to each other. Although balancing work and home, communicating needs, and planning special times are all important, research has shown that the ability to exit an argument before it gets out of hand distinguishes happy, successful couples from couples who are just getting by. In my practice, I offer therapy for couples in crisis, but one of the most important services I offer is enrichment therapy, which teaches the skills couples need to keep their relationships strong. Many couples break up after becoming alienated from each other over time. In order to keep a relationship healthy, you need to know how to exit an argument quickly, how to express feelings simply, how to deepen friendship with each other, and how to increase playfulness between you.