Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I have an eccentric cousin who till now has not had a steady relationship with a guy or girl. When talking to him, I know he's more inclined towards guys but he has not taken any action.

He is very, very shy but he talks about strange things in a strange way. He tends to get very emotional as well. He's an only child and his parents are hoping that he will get married and have kids soon.

He looks ok but I'm not sure if he's unhappy. I want to help him. So how can he meet guys?

Thanks,
Concerned Cousin

Dear CC,

Pardon me for saying so but you sound like one of those relatives who asks nightmare questions like "Do you really take it up your ass?" and as everyone knows, nosy relatives who like to poke their noses into places where they don't belong can be a pain in the ass themselves. That aside, let's assume you're really interested in helping your cousin out of the kindness of your heart.

Now there are a number of ways you can get your introverted cousin to "meet guys." The easiest way is to get him to create a Fridae profile and help him upload his most flattering pictures - trust me, he'll be trading hearts and love notes in no time! Once he is accustomed to "online dating," then he can venture forth into the more predatory world of gay chat-rooms.

As someone who clearly enjoys matchmaking, you could also introduce some of your nice wholesome gay friends to him or you could drag him along to some gay club or sauna (although if you're a girl, you'll be labeled as a fag hag in the former and barred from entry in the latter).

A note of warning: If you are successful in your endeavour, you may end up being the family pariah since you mentioned that your cousin is "an only child and his parents are hoping that he will get married and have kids soon." Now are you really looking forward to being reviled as the person responsible for turning your cousin into a cocksucker at every family gathering?

Your Concerned Counsellor,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I met a gal who works near me and we got along quite well. Initially, I thought of her as a lunch mate but we got quite close eventually. She told me that she had broken up with her bf and I consoled her as a friend. We then arranged to hang out together but she always canceled the appointments last minute. I asked her jokingly whether she was deliberately doing this coz she's uncomfortable being alone with me but she assured me that this wasn't the case.

My friends, after seeing the both of us together, even commented that she has feelings for me. On Valentine's Day, I sent her flowers - just as a friend. She was very happy and started asking me why I still meet up with my ex and said that I have to ask her for permission. She was laughing when she said this so I don't know what to make of it.

Not long after, she told over lunch that she doesn't have feelings for guys anymore - even hunks. She also told me that our mutual friends told her that I was just using her as a spare tire and advised her not to get "cheated" by me as I was attached back then. As I'm not quite sure why she started telling me such things, I asked if she felt that way but she replied that we are just good friends.

In the last few months, things have changed. She got to know another gal and became really close to her. When I teased her about the gal, she gets mad at me. Occasionally, she will still ask me questions like how she looks and attempt to get my attention. She's straight so I really treat her like a friend but I'm fond of her. Recently, she told me she got back with her ex because she feels lonely after being single for so long. She also asked me to let the other gal know.

Can you tell me what the hell is going on?

Confused & Blur

Dear Confused & Blur,

You're asking me if I can tell you what the hell is going on? I was about to ask you the same question! Judging from your beyond convoluted sob story, one thing's for certain: the two of you are poster girls for the tragic consequences that befall lesbians-in-denial.

It's obvious even to a non-lesbian such as myself that both of you have feelings for each other. And yet, you and your gal pal persist in playing "Hide-the-Messaging-Showerhead." If you had written in earlier, I would have urged the both of you to stop playing games and start playing with each other!

From your description, it would appear that your gal pal is someone whom Kate Clinton (lesbian comedian, columnist and activist) would describe as a woman "can't say the word lesbian� even when their mouth is full of one." You, on the other hand, need to stop qualify your every action as coming from "just a friend" and get in touch with what you're really feeling and not what you're writing.

Unfortunately, it's way too late now. As you have mentioned, "things have changed." She has moved on to "another gal" and eventually "got back with her ex." The only drawback is that you have not. Your email aches with love denied and realised too late. You're pretending that it's about your gal pal while it's really about you being in love with someone who doesn't love you anymore.

The best thing you can do right now is to wish your gal pal the best of luck in her relationship and then kick yourself for not making a move earlier. However, there is also the possibility that your gal pal is really straight and that you're guilty of (mis)reading what she said and did - then you should kick yourself doubly hard over what is essentially a simple case of Much Ado About Nothing.

Your Guiding Light,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I'm 20 years old and just starting out on my career. Recently, a friend of mine started courting me. He's about 15 years older than I am and is quite powerful in my field of work. So, afraid that my career would end before it even got the chance to flourish, I decided to humour him by going on a couple of dates with him.

Suddenly, he's talking about marriage and how he wants to take care of me and all that stuff. Now that really freaked me out. I don't want a relationship right now, especially with someone older than me and besides, I'm not attracted to him at all.

What should I do? I'm afraid that he'd sabotage my career if I don't go along with what he wants. I mean, he did help me get my job, although at that time I wasn't aware he was gay. I've tried ignoring him but that doesn't seem to work. Help!

Reluctant Toy Boy

Dear Toy Boy,

Oh please. You are hardly the delicate daffodil you're pretending to be. Firstly, you are not above using your youthful charms on an older friend to get you your job. And secondly, you are not above going out on "a few dates with him" so that your career would "flourish."

Now that we have established the fact that there is no such thing as a "reluctant" toy boy, let's look at the various solutions available to you:

Solution 1: Honest Toy Boy
Have a good talk with him and set him straight with what you're really thinking and feeling. Let him know that you're not ready for a relationship but leave out that erection-deflating bit about you not finding him attractive. If he's mature enough (and he'd better be at 35), he'll appreciate your honesty.

Solution 2: Good Toy Boy
Work really hard and make sure your work is of such top-notch quality that even if you and your older friend have a falling out, your contribution to the company will speak for itself and make it harder for him to sabotage your career.

Solution 3: Bad Toy Boy
Do what Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon did: orchestrate and record an X-rated romp starring yourself as the wide-eyed ing�nue and your older friend as the cunning cocksman - then "threaten" to release the recording should he ever decide to make life difficult for you.

Solution 4: Ambitious Toy Boy
This should be a breeze for all toy boys. Simply sleep with someone who's even more influential than your older friend in your field of work or higher up the corporate ladder than he is - preferably his boss.

Boys' Favourite Toy,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.