I left the sauna feeling rather dissatisfied. Yet another boring evening of trying to find a hot fuck. I texted my good friend, B as I made my way to our usual supper place and by the time the food arrived, so did he. We had dinner together, me sharing my bitchy comments on the various guys who were there that night. As usual he found my commentary highly entertaining but whenever I chio him along, he would blush and decline. After supper, he gave me a ride home as usual and as always, I could count on his text wishing me good night once I stepped out of the hot shower. Just another weekday night.
Weekends were the usual mix of dinner with friends, drinks at the Tantric and depending on my mood, either a hookup from the bar or head to a nearby sauna to check out the meat market. The ‘produce’ is slightly better especially on Saturdays but I was beginning to think that’s all there is to being gay in Singapore. This can’t be it right?
Not that I can’t find a boyfriend if I wanted but honestly, every guy I meet just wants a fuck buddy. While I could always count on B, my faithful supper buddy for post-coital company, I could hear the growing emptiness inside me. I yearned for something more real, something lasting. The physical pleasures of sex was wearing off and dare I say it, becoming routine. There were even a couple of times I found myself daydreaming while some poor sap was busy slurping on me or panting away while riding on top of me. Once I even had to stop myself from texting B to meet me earlier for supper because I didn’t even feel like finishing with the guy I was with…
One night after yet another lift home, B stopped me from alighting and handed me a book with a letter. He told me to open it when I had reached home and as usual, wished me good night but this time with a slight sad look in his eyes. I had noticed him being quieter than usual over supper but the letter was beginning to alarm me. What did he have to say that he couldn’t say in person? There were no boundaries to our conversations – friends who knew me well would know my candour regarding sex, men and everything in between. I don’t do sappy girl talk but that’s about it.
After my shower, I sat by my desk and regarded the letter with dread. Finally I told myself to get it over and done with and I ripped the envelope open, barely giving the accompanying book a glance.
I know you must be frustrated over the whole ‘mysteriousness’ of this note. You never did like guessing games and I am already picturing your impatient expression as I write this to you.
I am leaving Singapore. The company I have been applying to finally made an offer and I am taking it. While it will be great for my career, the truth is I am leaving for another reason. See the thing is, I have been in love with you ever since the day we met.
You may or may not already have guessed my feelings for you even though I have always taken care to keep them submerged. From the instant we met, I knew you are one of those carefree spirits that cannot be caged or tied down and besides, I was already thankful you decided to be friends with me. Some of my friends have told me to get over you, move on and find another nice boy but the fact is, these past 2 years of suppers with you were the best part of my life. I never took it to heart that you were having fun with other guys because while they may have had your body for a brief time, I got to experience your personality. Your looks may have captured my eyes but your character captured my heart.
But all good things must come to an end and it is time for us to move on. I hope someday you will find someone who will truly mean as much to you, as you have for me. We spend so much of our lives speaking code and deep inside, I wish you could look at me for once as someone you could be with.
Ever since I met you, I felt the urge to pen down our friendship in a journal, which you now hold in your hands. Some of it may be sappy, which I know you abhor but they are all reflections of my feelings towards you. I do not have much to offer but I hope you would accept it as a keepsake of our relationship, for what it is worth.
I honestly love you,
I was tearing by the time I finished the letter and as I flipped open the journal, I teared even more. It was filled with entry after entry recounting every supper, meeting and outing we had. How could I be so blind to what was always in front of me? I had found B cute and well, pleasant when we first met but I didn’t feel the need to jump into bed with him. I found his politeness sweet and endearing and above all, someone really easy to talk to. Is that what a soulmate is? Someone who accepts you for whoever you are, flaws, dirty secrets and all? My god what kind of an idiot am I to have seen and yet not recognize the signs before?
An entry dated back about four months caught my eye. It was about a whatsapp conversation we had which made me blush because I sound like such a himbo in it but at the end, it mentioned “G said that he would have to jerk off to sleep because the guy earlier wasn’t worth the effort of ejaculating. Made me smile as I watched his light go off and knowing what a naughty boy he must be in his room now.” I rushed to my window and sure enough, that familiar silver Audi was below my block at the carpark. Although I teased him much later about being a stalker, at that moment finding out that he always waited for me to turn in before heading home touched me incredibly.
The rest as they say, is history. I ran downstairs to find him and we ended staying up the night talking for once, to each other and really laying bare our feelings. He drove us to a nearby Macdonald’s drive-in for breakfast and after that, I brought him back to my place where we kissed and made love for the first time. He was so shy that it was a huge turn on for me and I guess I finally realize why they say that sex is really special with someone you love.
This November will mark five years together as a couple for us. Till this day I find it so amazing that someone could love me that much and yet didn’t feel the need to constrain me. Likewise, he took the job overseas and I visited him as much as I could but after six months, he applied for a transfer home and we have been together since.
I feel the need to share this because so many stories on this page seem sad and lost, without hope. I just want to say that sometimes the one for you may be right in front of you or he has yet to appear, you just have to open your eyes and reach out.
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