Dear Alvin,
Do long distance relationships really work? Everyone keeps telling me that they don't and it's really frustrating! My boyfriend lives in Japan and I live on a really small island in the US. We always say we love each other every time we email each other. I have had guys come up to me and try to pick me up. But I'm finding it really hard. What experience or advice can you give?
Long Distance Frustration.
According to Stephen Blake, author of Loving Your Long Distance Relationships: "Distance is not the end of the world in a relationship." As Mr. Blake explains, distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and love. For long distance relationships to work, patience, honesty and trust are essential.
What utter rubbish.
If you ask me (and you did), I stand by the insightful lyrics of my one-time idol, Ms Sheena Easton, in her massive 80s hit "Telephone": "Long long distance love affair/I can't find you anywhere/I call you on the telephone,/But you're never home." Translated, long distance relationships will inadvertently fail because of the lack of physical intimacy and affection, the "forced" daily communications, the threat of temptations, and of course, the enormous phone bills.
Obviously Not Into Long Distance Relationships,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,
First of all, I really would like to thank you for all the efforts that you have been putting in for the liberation and the fight for respect that we deserve. Second, I'd like to express how much I am enjoying your column. It's really both fun and informative. Hail to the Diva! He! He!
Anyway, I really wrote to you because, well, I would like to ask you something. You see, I am not that physically attractive, I'm kinda on the heavy side as I have been for years. Before, when I was a little younger (I'm 22 now), I don't have difficulty in looking for casual sex-partners.
But after two years, more of the gay people that I am encountering now seem to lean more on the physically attractive guys. Well, I know for a fact and it's a reality that most of gay people look for physical attributes more than what we can see inside. I have tried tons of ways to lose weight and I am planning to start again next month because I am starting to feel really discouraged, unwanted and ugly. Though I am confident about myself, when I hang out with those people, I feel really small inside even though I tried to project a really happy persona.
My question is, where can I find guys who can fall in love with me, or least like me for what I am and not look on the physical aspects? As Miranda said in on of the episode of Sex And The City: "I try to make them see that I am sexy after they have fallen in love with my personality." But I don't wanna live with that credo! I feel that all the weight that I have in my body is hindering me from enjoying sex, meeting people and having a life itself. So help me!
Glum Plum
If you feel like you're Sarah Ferguson instead of the late Princess Diana or a Missy Elliot instead of a Christina Aguilera, and you still harbour the wish to get guys to "fall in love" or "at least like you for what you are," then here's what you should do:
Step 1: Embrace The Water Melon As Your Shape
Firstly, you must accept your body for what it is. According to Alice Ansfield, publisher of Radiance: The Magazine For Large Women, the term "fat" has been used against the weight-challenged as though "fat" and "ugly" go hand in hand. Instead of subscribing to society's size discrimination, you should break free from the stereotype and accept your body shape (and weight) for what it is.
Step 2: Cultivate Your Inner Goddess
Decorate your room with images of rotund and full-hipped men (and women) you admire. Surround yourself with friends and family members who love and support you for who you are. Work on developing your personality and your intellectual. Then let your inner goddess to shine through those layers and layers of damn cellulite and you may soon find more men drawn to you.
Step 3: Build Up Your Bedroom Skills
Hey, you may be plum but if you possess mind-blowing sexual skills, you'll still be able to find love (or lust)! Brush up on your bedroom techniques through porn and practice with a dash of imaginative daring thrown into the mix and you'll soon have men banging down your doors and begging for more!
Step 4: Know Your Target Audience
If you are aware that Muscle Marys tend to date within their clique, then why waste time trying to net yourself a Mary and risk heartbreak? Make an appearance at the local gay club/pub/sauna during their chub night or put out an advertisement for chub lovers (trust me, there are many out there!).
Twiggy's Twin Herself,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,
I joined this company last month and got on with the staff pretty well. There was this butch among them whom I thought at first was someone I'll never be interested in. But as the story goes, I was wrong. As I got to know her more, my feelings grew. I yearned to look at her more than anything, and when I don't, I feel vexed and frustrated. Sometimes she flirts with me, and sometimes I know she is trying to make a conversation with me (as the answer to the question she ask is like right before her). Problem is, I got to know from one of my friends that she has a girlfriend and she is twice my age. But age does not matter in love, am I right? I just couldn't let go. I mean, it's hard finding a person who could set you free from a person's world, yet ironically traps you in hers. What should I do?
Little Miss Head-trobe.
Dear Little Miss Head-trobe,
Logically speaking, as you have just joined the company, I would advise you against getting yourself embroiled in a torrid lesbian office romance with your colleague. However, since young lesbians these days are hardly guided by logic, I would advise you to embrace the office harlot as your new persona and start scoping out possible places where the both of you can indulge in a little (or a lot of) oral and finger play.
As mentioned in my article on "Homo-sexual Haunts," you may wish to consider the office meeting room, the photocopying room and the storeroom for office-play during or after working hours. Alternatively, you could also try the office pantry and the toilets. Now, get back to work!
Chief Clerk-in-training,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
FYI I just turned 18. I have been seeing this guy for about half a year now, and we spend almost everyday together if possible. When I first met him he was going after girls (quite a few) and I was always the one just hanging around. He ended up not going out with any of the girls and we continued our relationship, but after six months, he still refuses to be "together" with me.
However we do enjoy spending time together in many ways. I have given him blowjobs, we cuddle, we try to compromise when we don't agree on something, but I feel very insecure that I am not together with him. Every time I bring up that topic he says I'm annoying. FYI he is also 18, and he cares very much about his image especially in front of his friends since we don't know a lot of gay friends. It's just he refuses to do anything that makes him "look gay." For example, during oral sex, I do all the work and he sits there, but not like he doesn't like it or he doesn't want it.
I just don't know what to do. He cares for me a lot, sometimes I can't ask for more. But I constantly fear the future. He keeps telling me I am thinking too much and should just be happy with what's happening now. I really want a LTR with him but he doesn't seem ready to come out or he doesn't seem to even know if he is gay. What should I do?
Just 18
Dear Child,
Aunty Alvin will say this once and only once. Get yourself a "proper" boyfriend. By "proper," I mean someone who appreciates you for what you are (read: gay), but most importantly, someone who accepts himself for what he is (read: gay). Only then, will you be able to enjoy "proper" sex (read: you will both give each other oral sex) and receive your due credit (read: he won't just sit there and "pretend" he doesn't like or want it). Now wise up, go mingle and start playing.
Also Just 18,
Alvin
Dear Alvin:
I am currently in a relationship with someone special the sex is great the kisses are wonderful... but my problem is that guys from my past keep haunting me... through sms... email.. icq... when clubbing... In fact on a certain night at a certain club, I was with my boy dancing-n-drinking away when the only one guy who broke (stomped, melted and ripped apart) my heart pulled me aside and told me: "I am sorry... I really can't live without you." I've tried to be tactful and tackless and even tried to hurt or ignore them - but why won't he and others get the message and go away? A few of them even tried to trip, burn, spill drinks and kick my boy at the clubs. What should I do to keep these people away from me and my boy? I've tried violence, passive behaviour and anything short of begging and it's really getting to me. Please help me find a way
In-need-of-help
Dear In-need-of-help,
Alas! The trials and tribulations of being a slut! Your checkered past and your sexual conquests from that past are finally catching up with you! While I am tempted to dispense advice along the lines of "You reap what you sow you slut!", I will refrain from doing so because I know as well as everyone else that "What goes around comes around!"
Given that you have tried everything to fend off those pesky "blasts from the past," there are only two options left to you: One, sign up for the local Witness Re-location Programme and get yourself a new identity and a complete makeover; and two, get yourself a less wimpy boyfriend - preferably someone with the physique of a pro-wrestler and a fiery chilli padi disposition.
More A Wanton Than A Slut,
Alvin
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.
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Reader's Comments
GENDER ROLE FASCISM & HOMOPHOBIA
When will the fear subside?
Who is afraid of the man with cleavage and the woman with biceps?
Who consented to such gender norms?
Who prescribed carbon copy people as "beauty" idolized?
Not I not I. . .
Somewhere & somehow. . .we just gotta take a stand. . .come out in our BEAUTIFUL DIVERSITY and say NO we ain't gonna take this crap no more.
remember the steroid addict
remember the bulimic anorexic
why do they hate themselves
why can't they accept their bodies
recall the $miling beauty indu$try
peddling BODY FASCISM
as lifestyle choice
Lurking underneath this fear
bubbles the anxiety
of misogyny & hate
patriarchal machoism
& plain ugly homophobia
unfortunately it infests
not only the fearmongering
homophobic masses
but our LGBT sister & brothers
equally as well
so take a stand
all you BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
let your unique rainbow shine
Long live gay activists!!
Taking into further annoyance, are anti- gay christian groups stating homosexuality is wrong..(cos the bible said so) taking strong stands to oppose us, isnt discrmination wrong in the bible as well? Love thy neighbour.
Worse still is when people say being gay does not fit chinese culture. Historically ( if im not wrong) gayness was accepted as long as males reproduced (ie passing on the family name).
But I learn that experiements have testified a fact-filled advert to promote racial diversity and stop racism actually had the reverse effect vs a emotion dripping advert which cause its audience to change their positions by a large degree.
Lets start to change the world.
People like this really must be bored..
In Singapore, most will just run..
The "soft approach" approach these days reward the transgressors and punish the sufferers. Because when the target of prejudice retaliates, he scores a double whammy for causing trouble, for not taking the "soft approach", and in the end "causing more trouble". What "soft approachers" are saying, suffer in silence, and die if you have to, but do it silently.. we don't want any trouble here.
Those who want the soft approach, please do so, but when the real activists speak up, please support them - don't drag them down into the bottomless pit of silence with you.
Alex - please continue with what you are doing. There are people behind you, and lots of lesbians I think! :-)
See yawl soon....
Love and Light
Bee Govinda
On another note, while we celebrated Gay Pride in Boston, singer/diva Kevin Aviance was brutally attacked in a gay bashing in New York City by a group of teens on Saturday night.
We have a long way to go...
http://motherboards.infopop.cc/eve/forums?a=tpc&s=120606177&f=1306060101&m=97810321431&r=36710551431#36710551431
We will all miss the loud and proud voice of our favorite diva at Pride this weekend in NYC, but... we know that what doesnt' kill us, only makes us stronger.
Peace and Love.
=)
it's painful to be attacked. really.
One small point: I seem to recall the first openly gay City Councilman in New York City was Tom Duane, back in the 1990's. Not to diminish Speaker Quinn's accomplishments and courage.
Get well Kevin..U r tougher than all these..Peace!
Wheter you are out of the closet or in, it is always better to be cautious and never throw caution to the wind. Although I have never been a victim of Gay discrimination I hate to see people get beaten or discriminated against.
Asian society although less tolerant is less likely to have such violent beatings but nontheless the gossiping and rumor mongering can be worse!
horrible, horrible, horrible.
hut86, you're in singapore? tell us more about your experience?
Thank you for doing what you are doing for our community.
We should always try to help if we ever come across something nasty like that. For the victim, run, as fast and far as possible. No need to subscribe to stupid violence nor give any opportunity whatsoever to being victimised further by the circumstance. Extract yourself.
Having said that, i would like to state catogorically that if i am ever caught in such a situation, i would seriously demage at least one of these muffah, usually the closest at hand. Even if it kills me. I will avoid drawing on this prima-negative-last-resort-energy if possible. But if i'm getting hurt, you can bet my mother's life on it that i'm not going to be the only one.
So you know what, if it comes to that, bring it on. F u c k it. Can't beat them, beat-the-f u c k-out-of-them, works for me.
i bet their bottom ass-es r gonna go in shut and come out wide opened!
God Blessed
-start-
I find it difficult to generalise or put adjectives to the myriad women I've come to know through the monthly women's nites. but for the sake of answering your question, I'll try.
It usually depends on the topic of the month- some people are drawn to the opportunity to voice their opinions in discussions, others prefer making connections in small-group sharing sessions, others turn up to pick up important information like legal advice for gay women, sexual health tips etc. Of course, the more 'arty' types show up at the occasional creative arts or dance therapy sessions. Others just come all the time because they find the sessions ultimately enriching, and a great way to meet other women in a non-'predatory' environment.
The event usually starts off with some ice-breakers, and then a potluck dinner, which is perfect to just mingle and greet everyone. people bring the most heart-warming home concoctions and it's great to share our food! It's all very casual and the faciliators are a warm bunch. Quoting Mayling in the news article on Fridae, Women's Nite could only be 'threatening to those who relish the dark and smoky.' And I'll add one more point: insanely difficult to make conversation. Meaningful, that is. (and when you're not choking on the smoke)
To sum up, I think the best way to experience Women's Nite -- as with everything else, is to come with an open mind to learn, share and engage. I trust that you'll surely gain knowledge of so much more that is important to us gay women, find emotional support through that, and through friendships with people completely unlike yourself- except that we all like women! For 'fixtures' like myself, it's been immeasurable how much I have benefitted from women's Nites, not least the many incredible women I now call dear friends.
Hope that answers your question. :)
-end-
Who give these peoples right to do such horrible thing to a single man who did absolutley nothing wrong.
I felt angery, painful and sad ...
After watching brokeback and seeing that wife's pain and agony, i realised the cruelest thing u can do to a nice gal is to let her fall in love with u........ and then tell her u are a gay ...
Pray fewer nice gals out there will ever have to undergo this pain and agony ....
And we mustnt blame those guys too ... they are equally painful and confused too ... haiz....
Sadz ... thats just the way it is in this world sometimes .... From the blameless it springs out pain and misery ...
bunny up ...
By this laughable logic, I suppose we should halt medical research to, say, cure Alzheimer's Disease until we cure cancer, because cancer is worse. Or stop government funding of mass transit until the government can cure hunger, because that's worse than mere traffic congestion.
What's really being said is that gay people are trivial, you are trivial, and having to live in fear and self-loathing is nothing. Being forced to deny your very nature is nothing. You are nothing, because the basis of all discrimination is to reduce a human being to a physical trait, whether it's skin pigmentation or an alien sex act.
But we're much more than that, just as heterosexuals are more than what they do in bed. And if one's sexuality is no one's business, then perhaps married people should remove their wedding rings and take family photos off their office desks.
Oh, no, that's different, they would cry. And we come back to their seeing us as not quite fully human as straight people are.
That's the issue with gay marriage in the US; it's the ultimate expression that gay and straight people are equal, if different. And the right-wingers (and many moderates) *hate* that idea, finding it repulsive.
Peace leaders from Gandhi to Martin Luther King knew that bowing and scraping to your oppressors would never bring people their rights. Silence only encourages the oppressors, even implying agreement with them. Instead of worrying about whether we should take a "hard approach" or a "soft approach," why don't we first worry about being kind to ourselves, and not allowing such bigotry to go unchallenged in our presence?
Thanks for a great article.
If one person lives the life of Brokeback MTN, does it mean that he is in fact a closeted gay male, a bisexual...or simply a gay guy who loves the sweet old simple country living lifestyle...hmm
1. Getting married and lying to your spouse.
2. Not getting married and lying to your friends and family.
But he forgot the third option that, although hard at first, ultimately is the best solution because you can finally relax in your life instead of constantly having to maintain a facade of this thing called 'normalcy'.
3. Don't lie to your friends and family, and don't get married to cover it up.
People can be so blind and fail to admit that, contrary to their protestations that their family or friends can't handle the truth, it's actually that they cannot accept it themselves.
I would be more than happy to torture them to death !!
my mom knows that i'm gay.
she knew that i was gay when I first brought my bf home. she asked me then but i didn't answer her.
i just told her about half a year ago when i broke up with my ex-bf ( no_regret), a relationship of 4 years.
now even though she knows i'm gay, she would still ask me to look for a girlfriend to get married.
why????????????
Through it all, when most of us made it across to the other end of the rainbow bridge . . . it's a huge relief.
Normalcy has always been, and will always be a private state of mind and being. The state, country, religion and community can never provide you that.
Took many actors and too many community stages . . .
Historically maybe tougher for some. But presently, this age seems more ready for change and acceptance for personal spiritual enlightenment.
Granted we do live in unison in seemingly organised communities everywhere, like it or not, there is always an idividaul within you that makes you what you are and screams loudest for the attention it deserves.
It is very tough. But looking back, hopefully for you too, would agree, u will never have to live it differently if u had to live it twice.
Take a deep breath and cross that bridge.
Author Jeffrey Weeks (1986) implies that the distribution of sexual orientations in a society is a matter of power; heterosexuals have historically had the power to define heterosexuality as normal and homosexuality as deviant.
Apparently that most people are heterosexual because they are simply conforming to social norms. Adrienne Rich (1980) is more explicit. For her, heterosexuality is essentially a political institution, a matter of what she calls compulsory heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is imposed by the powerful on the less powerful or powerless. "For women," Rich (1980:648) says, "heterosexuality may not be a 'preference' at all but something that has had to be imposed, managed, organized, propangandized, and maintained by force."
What can we make of all of this? One major problem is that, with one or two possible exceptions (Harris, 1981; Herdt, 1984), heterosexuality is overwhelmingly the most common form of sexual activity in all known societies. This would seem to suggest that sexual orientation is rooted in our biological nature. Weeks (explicitly) and Rich (implicitly) argue, as we have seen, that heterosexuality is the most common form of human sexuality simply because of the political domination of heterosexuals over homosexuals. But this is an unusually extreme form of special pleading. It is also an argument that not only flies enormously in the face of the facts, but is completely illogical. Are we expected to believe that precisely the same kind of social construction occurs in all known societies, most of which are separated by enormous distances of space and time?
Daniel
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