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28 Jul 2006

ask alvin about psycho lovers, revenge sex and gay ''outcasts''

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where Alvin dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those who need it oh-so-badly.

Dear Alvin,

I need your sagely advice on a disturbing matter. My boyfriend of one and a half years has key-logged my computer, accessed my private information, my email accounts and blocked some email addresses in them - a serious breach of trust.

When I found this out, disturbed, I went snooping and found a collection of DVDs containing an orgy of evidence. Worse though, I found pictures on them of me - he had unclothed me while sleeping and taken some nude shots.

Ok, I admit I have had a few flings during my time with him when we hit rough times. So I can understand the need to keep an eye on me, even though I have mended my ways. However, changing my email, keeping my personal info and the nude pics have left me kind of feeling strange. My friends say get rid of him. However, he has moved countries to be with me and cared for me during a time when I was seriously ill, so I have tried to save our relationship, which for the most part has been good and rewarding.

Am I making a mistake or on the right path? What's your advice?

Yours truly,
Weirded Out

Dear Weirded Out,

Waitaminute. Your boyfriend has incriminating pictures of you in various stages of undress on DVD? Are you sure you're not Paris Hilton?

First, I must commend you for being so levelheaded. If it were me, I would have bought a ferocious attack dog, changed the locks and joined the Witness Protection Programme. At the same time, I must chastise you for being utterly ridiculous. How could you rationalise away your boyfriend's actions by attributing them to your past infidelities?

However, my intuition tells me that you're not being entirely truthful about the matter. Are you still in contact with your tricks - past, present and future? Is that why your boyfriend key-logged your computer and perhaps blocked access to certain correspondents?

Then again, even if what I suspect is true, it still doesn't excuse your boyfriend's actions. There's a difference between keeping an eye on one's boyfriend and keeping a folder of nude pictures belonging to one's boyfriend - especially if the boyfriend is totally clueless about those pictures.

If you wish to salvage your relationship, you should confront your boyfriend about his creepy (if not psychotic) behaviour and tell him how you feel. Then the two of you should work together at rebuilding and regaining each other's trust.

Never A Vengeful Vixen,
Alvin Tan

Have you been in a similar situation? Post your experience or any advice you have below.
Dear Alvin,

I used to have this secret crush on this guy many years ago. He was so handsome and well-built. But he never paid any attention to me and to him, I never existed. To cut a long story short, I went overseas for my studies for a couple of years. During that time, I worked out at the gym and generally improved my appearance.

I came back to Singapore not long ago and bumped into my crush at the gym. He has put on weight and his hair had thinned. He aged a lot too. He cruised me at the gym (not recognising me) and invited me back to his place. I agreed although I don't fancy him anymore. Well, I was really selfish in bed and after I came, I left.

I guess I wanted to punish him because he never reciprocated my crush and was not interested in me back when I was younger. Does this make sense? Now I'm feeling a guilty about the whole incident. Should I call him to apologise?

Ex-Ugly Duckling

Dear Ex-Ugly Duckling,

I must confess - this is new to me.

Most gay men I know would only consent to going home with someone because they find these men a turn-on - not because they wanted to seek revenge for some "imagined slight" which happened years ago.

What you did to him was totally uncalled for. In all likelihood, he probably wasn't even aware that you were nursing a crush on him - especially since it was - as you mentioned - a "secret" crush. What you did to him was also vindictive. You were looking to get back at him for not noticing (and ravishing) you way back when you were "younger." You need to stop fixating on past grievances (especially imaginary ones) and move on with your life.

More importantly, what you did was incredibly foolish. With the gay grapevine as it is, you would have probably earned yourself a reputation for being a comatose corpse in bed by the time this column is published. And there is no surer way of sinking your social currency than that.

In short, my answer to your query is "NO." Don't ever call him - at least not until you grow up.

Every Gay Man's Secret Crush,
Alvin Tan

Have you been in a similar situation? Post your experience or any advice you have below.
Your Highness,

I am a shy yet friendly Asian in my late twenties. I am of moderate appearance with good height (183 cm), neutral mannerisms, and average/slim body. I have been confused with the bitchy gay world ever since I was 19 years old. I found myself always being pathetic with guys I like. I never had that much action compared to an average gay man in his late twenties.

In the last ten years or so, I have only been with nine guys - which three of them I became good friends with (yeah, as much as possible I try to befriend guys and stick with the same ones for as long as possible).

Since I am not drop dead gorgeous, I have to win a guy with my personality (that is if I have one). I hate it because I never get asked out for a date. I have never been in a relationship before, nobody hits on me, and I feel like every gay man thinks of me as "just a friend, and never something more." To add insult to the injury, it is the heterosexual girls who periodically fall in love with me and it creeps me out (now they are making me feel like a lesbian, if you know what I mean). I'm also wondering if my image is sending out the wrong signals.

Everyone is falling in love with each other and romance is everywhere, yet I am an outcast in the circle.


Dear Anonymous,

Sigh not another case of "I-can't-get-my-man-and-it's-all-the-gay-community's-fault!" It's so easy to blame it all on the "bitchy gay world" just because you cannot find a lover or get some decent action at the sauna/gym/pool/club or wherever.

Newsflash: The gay community is not responsible for what happens to you, YOU are responsible for what happens to yourself. The community is not responsible for making you feel welcome, finding you a loverboy or making you an "outcast." That's your job.

From what you have written, you should thank your lucky stars that you're not one of those classified as "massively unattractive even on a good day." You have had experience with nine guys and you even had heterosexual girls falling for you "periodically."

Unless you look like Bette Davis in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, I think what you lack is self-confidence. It's no secret that secure and confident (but not cocky) people magically appear twice as attractive to others because they possess a positive quality others are drawn to. So instead of waiting to be asked out on a date (and watching the cobwebs grow), do the asking. Likewise, instead of putting yourself down all the time, view yourself in a more positive light and work on the areas you can improve upon.

Finally, a word of advice: Your current love life may be miserable because you're setting unrealistic standards. Remember: Unless you're an Angelina Jolie, you should never aim for a Brad Pitt.

Your Love Goddess,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.

Have you been in a similar situation? Post your experience or any advice you have below.

Reader's Comments

1. 2006-07-28 19:55  
Smile to life, and life will smile back to you! :)

2. 2006-07-28 21:20  
If I were you I would pack my Louis Vuitton's with as much as I need and get out of there fast. If you think it's bad now, just hang around for another year and half.
3. 2006-07-29 00:15  
alan, alan, alan...while I'm sure your readers will agree...not everyone has your sa voir faire nor your joie de vivre (thats french the language not your favorite action), perhaps advising "anonymous" to join a gay social group. There are several different types of organizations that he can investigate. This is one way of self improvement.

california patatoe
4. 2006-07-29 02:00  
Anonymous, Alvin is right you know. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince and the only way to do that is to put yourself out there. But first you have to work on being the best you, you can be. Then when you do find your price, you will be to keep him.

The other potatoe in California
5. 2006-07-29 04:36  
At least you have good friends around you. They are more valuable than # of guys you sleeping with, you know? And it's not a good thing to sleep with lots of people either. I 'd rather be with one guy as long as possible than sleeping with many guys as possible. Quality over Quantity. Don't blame on things you can't change. Just adjust yourself and work around it. Be more confident in yourself. Enjoy your life at the fullest. When the right man comes, you will know. :-)

Potato eater in California
6. 2006-07-29 08:18  
I don't totally agree with Alvin's point of view, I mean I would have done the same as you did, if I have even tried to hook up with him in the past. But if it was so secret that you never dare yourself to pass by and at least smile at him, then he wouldn't noticed that you are taking a deserved revenge.
On the other hand, never been to Singapore, so don't know much about the gay secene there, so if it's like a little village, then you have gained bad reputation for yourself.
7. 2006-07-29 16:07  
Debt of gratitude and pity are 2 of the worst reason to salvage a relationship. It will only leave you unhappy and will most definately drive you to do stupid things. Talk it out, shake hands and then part ways...
8. 2006-07-29 16:18  
by cheating you are telling your bf that his feelings are not as important to you as getting a fuck, and that you dont really care enough about him to bother keeping your cock in your pants

which is the bigger betrayal ?

i think you deserve everything you get
9. 2006-07-29 19:58  
Ur side: did u cheated ur bf b4?
ur bf: feeling unsecure in this relationship
3rd eyes: we dont need incriminating pictures
Maybe: the trust is not there?
Perhaps: need more mutual understanding?

Reality: Only you and ur bf know what happening. The real scenes is untold sometime. In relationship, the story always a mistery...right and wrong is very personal's view.

Think 1: ur still love ur bf?
Yes : discuss with him about what u think.
No : Refer to FlyingSpur's said.

Think 2: What to discuss?
1. Ur human right
2. ur feeling
3. He mistake

Think 3: He regret?
Yes: your right to choose stay or not.
No: Refer FlyingSpur's said.

Tip 1: make sure no more DVD copy in his hands!
Tip 2: be calm
Tip 3: let's ur freinds know before and after u talk with him for ur emotions & safety purpose.

Good luck!
10. 2006-07-30 12:09  
Now that you've seen the true colours of your bf, you better dump him....Cuz you never know what worse things he will do to you when he reaches a stage of desperation...I'm serious....
11. 2006-07-30 16:57  
Smells like a serious problem you got there! I'll bit having a healthy conversation is a good remedy. Cast your delimas, fears and disturbances on him, for a more healthy and honest relationship. I think you should find a right timing upon confronting him about the situation. It's better that both of you will put limitations, eventhough that you have been with each other for quiet some time. For me, dumping him isn't a good idea, maybe it will worsen the situation. TALK TO HIM!!!
12. 2006-07-30 22:37  
Your Boyfriends a PSYCO get rid of him fast and destroy the evidence he's keeping on you two I had a bf just like him and it took me three long years and lots of lawyers fees and court appearances to get him out of my life.

Trust me it's one thing checking up on your BF but the way your guys behaving has he not boiled your bunny rabbit in a pot yet !

Get him out of your life fast no matter what he's done for you it's clear that he has a lot of issues in his life and your not his therapist. I went through a terrifying 3 years and belive me I can look after myself I am no shrinking violet but this guy was scary the way I would discover he's be logging into phone calls he even bugged my flat have you checked that out if he's done all this with your computer he's capable of bugging your flat.

Get shot of him fast mate !

Good luck
Comment #13 was deleted by its author
14. 2006-07-31 06:41  
I agree with Alvin, especially he said "Don't ever call him - at least not until you grow up."

Before you ask should you call for apologies. Why don't you think about what should you do when next time you guy meet in gym again? Cause what you did already happen, but the future is depend.
15. 2006-07-31 07:03  
What I want to said is self-confidence really helped to make someone more attractive. And don't be shy to tell someone you like that you like him; cause nothing wrong to tell that. He should be happy to know. In the other hand don't forgot to pay attraction to those like you. Maybe you don't feel mush to them now, but you may love one of them crazy after you know him more and more.
16. 2006-07-31 11:10  
Ex-Ugly Duckling, although what you did was foolish and childish (to my opinion) but at least you've posted this question here to seek for advise. Mean you are being "conscious" of what you are doing whether is right or wrong (although there's no right or wrong, if you get it).

The intention of posting questions here are often "seeking for approval" from others, I wouldn't use "seeking for answers" because the answers are always lies within oneself. Seeking approval from others is just to make oneself feel comfortable or perhaps prove that they are right or done nothing wrong. Too bad, if you really can't find the answer within... till you grow up then.

To Alvin: I always fancy about your column, besides never "buy anyone's bullshit". Your style of writing is really amusing! I really love your work.
17. 2006-07-31 12:44  
Aiyo! Dun complain about no man lar. Like what Alwin said, it is u that u should think whether anything to improve or not. Let me share an something with u, as far as i know, there r 5 factors that will attract men and there are:

1) A good looking face - if u r born not so good looking, it is ok, just make sure ur personal grooming is at the max!

2) A nice body - go to gym if u haven't

3) EQ and IQ - read a book or ask ur best friend what is about u that might turn ppls off

4) Financially stable - work hard babe!

5) Personality - sad to said, it is always the last one ppls really care but it is the most important one. If the have the above 4 but u dun have personality, u will just end up as a good fuck or a good potential that dun click or with problem. But if u dun have the above 4 in a passing "marks", no matter u score 100% in personality...also no man....

18. 2006-07-31 15:29  
My last psychotic ex-bf is as described; if not worse. He managed to hacked into several of my profiles early in the relationship and post-breakup period and posted lewd pictures which I would like to forget. Webmasters are a bit slow to react which infuriated me further.
Not just that, while staying with me for FREE, he managed to copy my credit card details and arranged a transfer of HUGE amount of money to his personal account. Luckily I took notice of that and reported it to the bank.
I have since ceased contact with the person.
PS: Reported him to a number of authorities too actually which includes the local police, the net-crime authority, etc.
19. 2006-08-03 17:58  
Well I think the same can be said for Gays blaming George Bush, or Jerry Falwell, or Pat Robertson or the Christian Right for all their political problems, or believing that Gavin Newsome and Mark Leno are going to somehow solve all their Gay Problems. Us Gay San Franciscans tend to like to find other people such as George Bush for all our problems, instead of accepting personal responsibility, and Alvin Tan summed it up well when talking about Gays blaming the Bitchy Gay Community.
20. 2006-08-05 01:09  
Dear Alvin,

I think that your adivce to Anonymous is spot on. Great advice -- as usual from my favorite fountain of advice!!!

One part of Anonymous's letter struck a note with me. I am gay, but like Anonymous, I often get along well with women colleagues (especially at work) because I am not threatening them by hitting on them all the time.

Another point. I think that Anonymous really doesn't know who he is -- gay, bi-, hetro, or whatever. If he ever comes to Calgary and crosses my path, I can certainly straighten him out by re-inforcing his gay-masculine identity -- no problems.


Calgary, Alberta

Comment #21 was deleted by its author
Comment #22 was deleted by its author
Comment #23 was deleted by its author
24. 2006-08-26 06:38  
One thing to always remember: Life isn't fair. Sometimes no matter how hard you try in life, you will never make it as far as others who don't even give a rats ass. It's fun to be bitter and b*tchy about it (as I know all too well), but it shouldn't consume you as a person. Life is just too short for that. Just do the best you can, and appreciate what you already have.

Just as Pha said (see post at bottom), "Smile to life, and life will smile back to you! :)"
25. 2006-09-28 17:08  
dont mind him. Do the same thing he did to you. There are many sharks in the ocean. People will not learn uness they are being taught.
26. 2006-10-28 05:55  
well, i presumed love is strong, if not you will leave him straight away, well. confromt him n straighten out right and wroing before things get worst
27. 2006-10-28 05:57  
just undecidesive guy. is better not to play with fire or may get back fire one day
28. 2007-01-24 10:22  
on the contrary, go for it. i agree with the self confidence advice but disagree with your set your sites lower. my world was rocked by by a brad pitt look alike. i never thought he would ever look at me. you never know whats in the other guys mind. go for it . dennis
29. 2007-03-15 01:41  
Hahahahaha...this article just reminded me of my younger time when I felt like an ugly duck.
I felt shy and wondering if anyone would like me, my look.
So I built up my personality. It worked a bit for friendships, yes it did. But that was not enough.
So I tried to figure out what's in that "bitchy gay world".
I started to go to the gym to shape up, I went to the face clinic, to the dentist, building my confidence and practice more how to sing great.
Now here I am with better appearance (At least I think so) and a singing job that attracts people, and I got more men!
Believe it, even in gay world, God is fair by giving everyone of us "TYPE". We're someone's type for sure!
But then U gotta believe, after all, you'd just get more problems with all those men!!!
30. 2007-03-15 23:50  
I think it's just a process of Ur life to find what's after what U do. A way of life.
Be sorry? Feel guilty? Enjoy it!
But dont let it take U too long.
Do U think that "getting older" guy feel something bad bout what U did?
He probably had forgotten bout it, even bout U, in the next morning. For him it probably was just another bed time story.
Now U know, every action has its consequences.
So, think before U do anything that U'd feel sorry about.
31. 2007-04-28 20:21  
oh dear..this does sound like what's going on in my life right now! I don't think I am an ugly-duckling, but all I see in my surrounding is guys finding love amongst themselves, except me of course! I have done the asking which I got rejections from, or I have been asked, but I don't have the same level of affection to return (what's going on?!). Some girls have fallen for me which I was extremely flattered but it didn't help the situation (one of my good friends even confessed to me that she likes me a lot and wants to be my GF?!) What I have noticed is that confidence does play an important role in getting others' attentions. and if you feel comfortable in your own skin, then ppl will naturally feel comfortable with you and be more likely to like you. I am working on this right now but reading this post just made me realised that I am not the only one who's been feeling the frustration.

Good luck to all the guys/gals out there....

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