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27 Apr 2007

ask alvin about chocolate starfishes, office romance (part 2) and preferred position

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where writer Alvin Tan lends a listening ear and dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those misguided gay men and women who need it oh-so-badly...

Hi Alvin,

I enjoy getting rimmed very much but I always worry that I may be "dirty" down there and that it would turn guys off. It's gotten so bad that I can't enjoy myself fully - more so, when it's a spur-of-the-moment one night stand.

Any tips?

Black Hole

Dearest Black Hole,

The condition that has your undies in a worried twist is known as a "Chocolate Starfish" - and no, it refers neither to a brown-hued marine echinoderm nor a cocoa-encrusted sea creature of the edible variety.

According to www.urbandictionary.com, a "Chocolate Starfish" refers to either "the human anus when it is encrusted with fecal matter" (ugh!) or "the imprint of an anus that has not been sufficiently wiped clean" (euw!).

Avid ass-eating aficionados will inform you that a "Chocolate Starfish" is the most dreaded thing that one can be confronted with in a bedroom setting - that is, unless they're into scatology.

All rimmees should always ensure that their tushes have been thoroughly cleaned before intercourse. For virgin rimmees, buy an enema at the drugstore, insert the rectal nozzle into the rectum and squeeze. Hold it for a moment and then expel it.

However, if you don't have your handy enema bottle with you, just give yourself a discreet finger check. And if your finger comes up as filthy as the Augean stable, I would suggest you exclude rimming in your foreplay - unless it happens to be a session of revenge sex.

Rim-Me Rim-Me,
Alvin Tan

(Alvin Tan would like to credit his friend Bernard for unearthing this fecal fact.)

Dear Alvin,

Back in August 5, 2005 you gave me an advice on office romances. Your advice was to keep our relationship strictly platonic. Well, Alvin, I've been a good girl. I kept her at arm's length and am very careful not to let her know that I am so in love with her.

I have tried hanging out with other friends and even tried to hate her - but it's just no good. Recently, she stopped talking to me for about two months. In a way, I felt relieved because I thought that I could put her behind me and get on with life. I did not even try to find out the reason(s) behind the sudden cold-shoulder.

One evening, she called me. She was extremely furious at me because I had not made any attempts to mend the friendship and demanded to know why. When I replied that I felt she needed her own space, she told me she was jealous that I was hanging out with a newcomer and that I did not make her feel special anymore.

Alvin, can you please, please help me out here. On the one hand, I am trying to hide my feelings for her. On the other hand, she is treating this friendship as though it was a relationship and it is driving me crazy. I love her more than she knows and I keep hoping that maybe one day she would return that love.

Thanks and best regards,
Still Utterly, Totally Stupid

Dearest SUTS,

Since it's love you want and not friendship, any advice of a heart-to-heart talk at the office pantry to discuss each other's expectations of your friendship and draw up the necessary boundaries would go straight to the paper shredder.

To be brutally honest, the problem here is not your female colleague's attention-seeking behaviour - it's you. You still carry a torch for her and instead of working on your friendship, you put it in deep freeze (despite my earlier advice).

You should really get a grip on yourself now. Otherwise, your performance at work would inevitably be affected since you obviously expend way too much energy trying to avoid her and/or put up a fa�ade in front of her.

While it may be tempting for you to unburden your feelings to your colleague, kindly consider the repercussions if things go awry - unless of course you enjoy being the office gossip mill's papier-m�ch� pi�ata.

The other more sensible alternative is for you to fall out of love and you can do that by dating other attractive (and more worthy) lesbians out there or by focusing on your colleague's most annoying traits and then magnifying them a million fold.

Still Utterly, Totally Stunning,
Alvin Tan

Hi Alvin,

I enjoyed reading your advice to Hit Rock Bottom a while back.

One question: If given a choice between two guys, would you pick the Top or Bottom?

Please tell the truth - however hard!

Bi-Curious Boy

Dearest Bi-Curious Boy,

The truth is simple really.

I would pick the cuter guy.

A Buy-Sexual Boy,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.

Reader's Comments

1. 2007-04-27 18:44  

no wonder peolpe say gay sex is GROSS!
2. 2007-04-27 18:46  
typical butch.
3. 2007-04-27 23:11  
I think Alvin missed the point of the question.

Let us assume that BOTH were equally cute ...as a matter of fact, ALL things were equal except for their preferred positions.

Which would you pick then?

4. 2007-04-28 00:09  
What if both are a twins
5. 2007-04-28 03:41  
hello my dear bi-curious boi...
what's the point of picking the cuter one as what Alvin suggested if his role clashes with yours?
So if i were u i would simply get the one whose role complements mine (unless u r totally versatile which then Alvin's advice comes in handy). rite?
6. 2007-04-28 09:51  
I don't suppose if we asked Alvin to go away he would. I love the stories and news items that get published here, but personally can do without an inflated agony aunt ego tripping thing (not to mention bad writing). Seriously, lets have more news from around the world and put Alvin to bed so to speak.
7. 2007-04-28 10:18  
very honest answer indeed!
8. 2007-04-28 11:21  
Alvin, just wanted to say thanks for your stories and columns. They never fail to make me smile on weekends. And I think I'm not the only one here who enjoys your writing. They are reproduced everywhere else.





Just ignore idiots like irishguy who's probably a frustrated writer who's writing's not going anywhere. Sheesh!
Comment #9 was deleted by its author
10. 2007-04-28 11:26  
the only inflated ego-tripping going on here is irishguy - so ugly yet so proud.

check out his ridiculous profile bragging about his poetry and writing!
11. 2007-04-28 11:27  
asexstories - please respect butches!
Comment #12 was deleted by its author
Comment #13 was deleted by its author
14. 2007-04-29 07:38  
Hey Gymnewbie, thanks for pointing people in the right direction, that's really cool of you.
15. 2007-04-29 22:12  
Guys, any advice on how to give a really good rim job? I mean the guys I date and rim usually moan a lot when I rim them - but I dunno if it's because they like me or if it's because I rim good.

p.s. irishguy - your writing is pretentious and dry - try to improve?
16. 2007-04-30 04:41  
To: asexstories,

Rimming is not only a sex act among homosexuals but also among heterosexuals. Some guys loved to be rimmed by girls. So people who say that gay sex is gross is not because of acts like rimming, but because they aren't gay.

To: proteinlad,

You will not know, since moaning may not indicate he get a good rim job from you. But I guess if his whole body starts to jerk a lot during the process, it could be a sign that you have hit the most sensitive part.

Once I rimmed a straight. He never get rimmed by a girl before and it was his first time. He never moaned but his body starts to jerk during the process. When the process ended, he said he wanted more next time. Do you think I have rimmed good?

Ha....take it easy...
17. 2007-04-30 05:29  
Another very concrete tip from Alvin... just to think... "the shit I didn't know" :) Thanks Alvin... I love your columns. Cheers-Francis
18. 2007-04-30 12:24  
Deari Bi-Curious Boy,

U silly boy...try both top and bottom and then u decide wat u want.....but make sure u try and try until u find enjoyment in being both roles....one try dun mean anything ok before deciding.

As for me I believe versatile is the best way....take turn...why bother being gay when u only wanna fuck or being fuck (why not be a straight man or ah quai). My advise...enjoy both roles....life is too sshort...be nice to urself and let ur pride down a bit...fuck him good and get fuck good too....:) hehe
19. 2007-04-30 13:09  
yeah, rimming is a (pleasurable, intimate, erotic) sex act among heteros, homos, bi's, lesbians, and many other mammals on this interesting planet we inhabit. (I have two Great Danes and four cats at home, who enjoy this act). A lot of people (gay and str8) are really hung-up on that particular orifice and view it as "dirty".
Note "asexstories": perhaps this person is ASEXUAL, (meaning: he/she doesn't engage in sexual encounters), and therefore can't be expected to understand the pleasures of rimming, anal, oral, masturbatory, (or other) sexual acts. Washing one's anal opening is very similar in concept to washing one's foreskin. A little soap and water in the shower, or just before sex can leave you feeling/smelling fresh and therefore anxiety-free to rim-away. Taking a long, hot shower together with a sexual partner by candlelight can be a very erotic form of foreplay that I highly recommend which alleviates anxiety over the dreaded "chocolate starfish", or the taste of smegma.
20. 2007-04-30 19:22  
i may disagree with alvin but i never denied enjoying his articles.

do u see me putting him or fridae's writers down jus tto promote my "writing" like some people?

21. 2007-05-02 00:30  
Try both top & bottom roles. You'll understand how good & how different it feels!!!
22. 2007-05-02 00:32  
I think digital foreplay is much better!!!
23. 2007-05-02 10:59  
I am a novice when it comes to having sex as a bottom. And I am desperate in need of advice from you guys: if I don't have an enema at hand (e.g. in a bathhouse), how do I clean up the lubricant inside my anus after sex? Or do I have to?
24. 2007-05-02 11:01  
I am a novice when it comes to having sex as a bottom. And I am desperate in need of advice from you guys: if I don't have an enema at hand (e.g. in a bathhouse), how do I clean up the lubricant inside my anus after sex? Or do I have to?
25. 2007-05-02 23:47  
No you don't have to have an enema after sex, it will all come out naturally when nature calls. Soap and hot water in the shower should fix everything else. But, the main thing you should know -- as a novice bottom -- is as Frankie Goes to Hollywood sang all those years ago -- "RELAX". Oh yes, and always, always, always insist on your partner wearing rubber, as in a condom.
26. 2007-05-03 19:26  
Both? A threesome would be nice.
27. 2007-06-07 20:20  
Hahaha! What a fact ... thanks.
28. 2007-10-13 00:56  
Hey, where is Alvin ???

We miss you mate ??

Cum back PLEASE ..

From an Aussie in Perth who has a desperate question about early pre-cum. How many litres is acceptable .. ??
29. 2008-01-09 19:42  
What happened to this?

30. 2008-06-27 10:41  
glad you are back. for rimmees, wash with water and dont relie only on that toilet paper.

31. 2009-02-21 16:05  
"Chocolate Starfish"...c'mon, that's just disgusting. Don't these boys know how to wash?
An ex of mine had the courtesy to warn me that he wasn't clean down there so I wouldn't end up with a nasty surprise. Of course, I won't rim anyone unless I know he just showered.
32. 2009-03-08 20:01  
Dear Alvin
Is normal for my anus to bleed for a few days after being rimmed. I m usually top but sometimes enjoying being bottom.

33. 2009-06-17 01:57  
That is why, manginas should be washed with water and don't just wipe them with paper ? Ewwwww.......
34. 2011-07-28 00:27  
Here is a novel idea: TAKE A SHOWER before sex...and clean any spots that you expect to be so much as touched

"Oh Im shy to buy an enema from the drugstore". (quote from my experience not from the story) Really?? But your not too shy to have a shit explosion on someones bed are you.
Comment edited on 2011-07-28 09:14:47

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