Fridae

Modern cars are filled with innovative gadgets that we have grown so accustomed to: power steering, electric windows and ABS come to mind, and for a more recent example, I can think of parking sensors.

I am not afraid to admit that I will be terrified of steering a Fiat 500 into a tight space without that reassuring series of beeps to warn me of an impending crunch.

We take a look at some of the other gadgets that are being offered on cars: Are they solving problems that we don’t have or are they adding pleasures to driving. 

What they say: 

Designed to warn a driver by sounding an alarm or vibrating the driver’s seat if the vehicle begins to drift out of its lane (unless a turn signal is on in that direction) on highways. 

Fridae’s take: 

If ever a Citroen C4 is spotted driving only on the lane lines along the motorways, we know the driver is having a jolly good time attempting a prostrate teasing massage. 

The only petrol-engined green luxury car on the market, the Lexus LS 600h packs in more equipment and comfort creatures than some apartments in Tokyo: including the Ottoman seat which allows the businessman to sit nearly flat out in the back seat. 

Lexus has accidentally thrown in a masseur for the businessman on the move. Not sure if they have included a happy ending from the types of massages that the Ottoman seat is capable of. Cum-rags and therapy charges from discomfited chauffer not included. 

BMW says this improves safety by requiring you to look down at a small screen; can spot a hedgehog at a thousand feet. Unfortunately the system will fail to show you the ten tonner right in front of you. 

The system consists of an infrared camera mounted in the front bumper which feeds a thermal image of the road ahead onto the screen in the middle of the dashboard. When it's dark outside, it picks up objects, humans and animals ahead of the car before they become visible to the driver in the headlights.

Given that it has a range of 300 metres, BMW says it significantly enhances driving safety at night.

Seen the video? Well, the BMW infrared night vision will be a great tool for cruising areas providing a sexciting vision! 

What they say: 

The well-known Distronic cruise control feature that maintains a pre-set following distance behind the vehicle ahead is replaced by an optional “Distronic Plus” system. Integrated with the latest PRE-SAFE, the latest radar-based system operates at nearly all speeds up to 125 mph and can be especially helpful in stop-and-go traffic. Newly developed short-range radar with a frequency of 24 gigahertz sweeps the first 33 yards in a fan-shaped 80-degree pattern, working in tandem with a narrower nine-degree beam of longer-range 77-gigahertz radar. 

The two radar frequencies complement each other to cover a full range of more than 160 yards – more than 1½ football fields. During approval of the new 24-gigahertz radar frequency, government agencies cited its potential to improve traffic safety, reduce injuries and ultimately save lives. 

Can’t wait to get to a room with your hot date? The Distronic Plus on the Mercedes S-Class is a god-send for such foreplay, or some would call it, checking out the goods to decide which way to drive: back to home or to send the date back.  

This seven-seater MPV comes with an innovative gearbox, the MTA gearbox which allows drivers to switch between manual and automatic mode with a simple push of the lever.

Opel says that with the MTA, the drive becomes ten times more engaging, not brain-numbing like other automatic gearboxes. There is even a sport mode button for a boast in torque as the shift points change: giving the throttle response extra urgency and a more weighty steering feel. 

Only two types of people buy a MPV.

 

The first type would be ones that have served their biological purpose as a breeder and you may slowly lumber yourself towards a beige world as slaves and obliged financial provider for your spoilt children. 

For LGBTs who drive MPVs are sorts in need of space for pets, antiques or suffering from serious compulsive shopping behaviours.   

Hence the Opel Zafira’s attempt to be sporty is completely wasted on a vehicle considering the intended end-users. These people need their hands for everything else but changing gears themselves. MPVs are vehicles that scream to onlookers that your sex life is OVER!

With the exception of the last feature from Opel, the first four innovations are certainly capable of improving a gay man's driving experience. Would anyone of you have more to share?