Fridae

I've always been a firm believer of the really overused and clich�d line that goes something like:

'It's not what's outside that matters, but what's inside that really counts.'

I must say, it makes a really great tagline when you're trying to sell pacemakers or butt plugs to the general public.

But personally, I re-interpret the quote along the (visible brief) lines of one's undergarments. You know� the things that you wear under your� ehrm� garments. Definition is necessary because there are some people out there who like the feeling of raw skin and denim rubbing against each other. Or perhaps those who are going through their 'Emperor's New Clothes' phase of life in terms of underwear. For all these people, this column is just for your entertainment and perusal. But for those who support the support that underwear provides to their loins, you can show your pride by reading this article in nothing but your undergarments.

But here's the problem: You may look dashing in that expensive tailored suit of yours. You can have a bubble butt fitted into those butt-tight jeans. And them Onitsuka Tigers somehow give you a posture that accentuates more muscle than fat in your body. But underneath it all, if all you have on is a pair of Crocodile (not Lacoste because there's a difference okay!) underwear with the colour(s) marred by numerous laundry mishaps when it comes to separating the colored and the whites� ehrm� well, here's the pamphlet for the nearest nudist camp. They don't do underwear over there.

Of course, not only does a pair of comfortable, figure-flattering (not penile-flattening) underwear look hot, it has plenty of other benefits that back up this great 'whatever that's inside' philosophy of life. The benefits of wearing great underwear are countless. You secretly feel sexy on the inside. You are all prepared for sex. It gives that unnaturally big bulge on your pants that you could never obtain without the stuffing of Kleenex. I'm sure somewhere amongst those benefits there's something related to increased production of semen. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if it somehow reduces the risk of heart disease, cancer, high cholesterol and diabetes altogether at the same time!

But out of all these, I feel that the most practical aspect of a good pair of undies would be that they make great conversational topics. I'm sure everyone has experienced that great big ominous silence when conversation topics have run dry. You check your handphone for phantom SMSes. You scroll through your call lists. You scratch your groin. You take a sip of your protein shake. All this in the hope that something random pops up in your head as a topic to talk about. Well, just let me say that it did get me out of a 'tight social spot' now and then, by suggesting the following activity:

'Okay, let's play a game. Guess what is the colour of my underwear?' (best accompanied with cheeky smile, wide grin or perhaps a hand on conversation partner's thigh)

When I say 'tight social spot', I also mean that in an 'adjusting my wedgie' kinda sense. Point to your underwear and attempt to pull out the brief lines to enunciate the fact that you're keen for someone to guess the colour. Do a quick shift-adjust and release with a snap of the waistband. And there you have it, underwear adjusted back into its proper place. The good thing out of underwear as social topics is that it makes it so much easier to break into idle chitchat about sex. Which makes it easier to break into the topic of having sex. Which then probably makes it even easier to break into someone else's sexy bits. And voila! Sexy underwear saves the day!

At this point, I can see the ladies reading this smirking to themselves, the whole time thinking about women's credit cards and how 'the men don't get it'. But gurl� you ain't spared from the plight of the underwear too! There are women out there who wear mismatched panties and bras. And it's of the most tragic colours and fabrics that can rival Betty Suarez anytime. Think: white bra with black lacy panties, a beige bra with black silk panties or worse, or skin coloured undies which really ought to be banished alongside granny pants. The only exceptions, I think, are sports bras. A tad difficult to find panties that look as sporty as the designs sports bras have these days. Swimming trunks, come to mind though.

You must be thinking then, 'What is the big hoo hah over underwear? Wear or don't wear, it's still under what, no?' Well, all this is in preparation for that one freak accident whereby a passing gust of (really strong global warming-related) freak wind somehow tears off my clothes, leaving behind only my tighty-whities for some reason. In this day and age of blog/YouTube-crazy people, the camera phones will be whipped out faster than you can log into the web site itself. And before you know it, your fugly underwear pic will be all over cyberspace.

The thing is, you never know when you might have to show another person your underwear for some reason or other. It might be at the office when you get cruised by someone, or perhaps one of those detention scenes at the Immigrations Checkpoint. Always be prepared, that's what I'm trying to say.

Of course when all the clothes and undergarments are finally off, it's not what's outside that counts now, but really� what's inside that matters.

Inside your ass, that is.

Ah Men! will be updated every Sunday. Visit Jonathan Zhang's personal blog "Spankthemalenurse".